It's fine if you just listen to it

I have a problem. It's a timid personality without courage since childhood. Even if they want a friend, wouldn't that kid feel bad about me talking to them? Above all, I wouldn't get hurt, would I? When I was a student, I thought about that, and when I was struggling, I realized that I was all alone...
As I became an adult, I felt that my timidity was very painful. I'm afraid to listen to things I don't understand at work. Even though I wanted to get into small talk, I couldn't, and ended up pretending to be doing something, and I'm all alone.
I'm currently looking for a job. If I had the same courage as anyone else, my job search would be over. I'm unbearably scared. Not being familiar with the workplace and getting involved with people are scary and unbearable. There are so many things I want to say, but it takes time and courage for me to say just one word to that person. Miraculously, when I was able to have a good chat with people, I burst into tears later when I secretly did it. I feel like I was able to take such a big step forward.
I want courage. I want the courage to take just one step. If I only had that, would it be a little easier for me, who is bad talker and clumsy, and doesn't have any strengths? I think so. Even when I'm motivated to work, the timidity of being afraid of people is really painful.
I want to live, but I want to die. Recently, I've started to think about that. Sorry for the messed up sentences. It's difficult to write about your own painful feelings, and you may not be able to write everything. Still, I wanted someone here to ask.
Thank you very much until the end.

3 Zen Responses

I think it's important to treat people without thinking too deeply

　Thank you for your question, Sabineko. I feel that it would be difficult if you were timid, but I don't know what you can't understand as it is without thinking about anything, so I think it would be nice if you asked me to tell me what to do. Isn't it important to always treat each other with the thoughts of “thanks” and “each other” in your heart? Also, I think it's important not to live alone, but to live by thinking “I'm living supported by the people around me.” Gassho

Get along with that personality without overdoing it

　Good morning. I read the question and felt that you must be a very kind person.

I don't like people either, so I really understand how you feel. I'm a monk, so I have to talk to all kinds of people when necessary, but it's still very tiring. On the other hand, there are fun things about talking to various people, and there are times when I think that maybe I'm not good at people, and I might actually be suited (laughs)

Well, it seems like you're not good at talking to people, so why not acknowledge that personality and look for a job where you don't interact with people as much as possible? Even if you overdo it, it will only make your heart ache. If you tell them to that effect at Hello Work, etc., I think they'll look for it. I think there are a lot of jobs that require people who talk less often or who are stubborn.

I hope you find a good job.

I heard it

I don't like people either.
My favorite way to spend my holidays is to “go to places with few people.”

Sabineko is very troubled, but...
Knowing your painful self means being able to understand people's suffering, right?
That's a great advantage.

I'm happy that you miraculously had a nice conversation with someone.
On the day when I had a hot conversation with the parishioners, I was also very excited all day long.
By the way, today is that day ^^
Oh, it's gone off the rails.

As a suggestion, why don't you write a record of the day you had a hot conversation in your diary?
Be detailed about the characteristics of the person you talked to, the content of the conversation, the weather, the situation at the place, etc.
When something happens, I encourage myself by looking at that diary.
So, if I have another good day, I'll keep a diary.
It might even lead to confidence!

At least I think it's OK to be clumsy or timid, Sabineko.
Because you have great strengths.

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