I want to die

When it comes to death, especially suicide, I don't think I can make my own choices.

Even if you want to die, you can't die; conversely, you die even if you don't want to die; that is the relationship of death. That's probably why it's so painful.

I also read your past consultations. The pain is too much for me to guess.

However, I hear that people who really despair cannot even commit suicide. This is because they are hopeless about even arousing the will to choose suicide. I can't even die.

In other words, I think you still have “hope in the form of wishing for death.” For me, I can only hope that hope will lead to a life relationship.

Your loved one questioned the meaning of life more strongly than anyone alive today, continued to fight, and as a result, was brought to death...

Follow his example; first, let's ask the meaning, facts, and preciousness of this life forever. Why didn't he tell you in advance? What did they want you to do?

He probably had his world, you had yours, and the two of you. And there's a world that encompasses them all. A world that never abandons you.

I don't deny your desire to die. It's something that springs up, and there's no denying it. However, even that is now a part of life.

Does your heart agree with your thoughts about death, does your eyes agree, does your stomach and intestines agree, does your hand agree, or does your life agree?

Has the heart abandoned the pulse, the eyes seeing the world, the gastrointestinal tract digesting and absorbing energy, and the hands grasping and spinning the hope in front of them?

He probably didn't agree with his ideas either. He didn't shake them off with the power of his mind alone. The event was held because of the circumstances that moved him.

I want you to be aware of life's wishes for life, even if you leave feeling like you want to die.

The nights are long. I hope you feel even a little better when you wake up tomorrow. Breathe in the fresh morning air, even the feeling of wishing for death.

Will you wake up or will you wake up?

What wakes me up every morning?

[Postscript]
I've been worried the whole time. Thank you very much for this. I was happy to hear from you.

I read it. It's natural to feel like you want to die.
Life and death always go hand in hand.
But please try to live while feeling that way. Even if you think your life is yours alone, you're not alone.
That's because they've received a lot of lives and are living.
Please don't neglect your life.
I sincerely hope that you will stay healthy every day from now on, and that you will live an unscathed life while enjoying both joy and sorrow.

Ren-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is a humble answer to the question.

I also read your previous question.

It's really hard...

Anyway, memorial services are important.

A memorial service is to “feed a servant (companion).”

What to nourish... that is the Buddha's teaching.

It's about learning and practicing Buddhism together, even with those who have completely passed away.

Also, if you have a relationship or a common Buddhist connection, you may even be able to meet someone.

I was convinced of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, who passed the law last month, when his mentor Zhuodong was successfully completed. Connections and relationships from the past and previous lives, and also connections and relationships that will continue in the next life.

We value relationships and connections with those who have passed away, and we would be grateful if you could continue the memorial service little by little.

I hope you can live and make that relationship stronger.

I pray for Ren-sama's happiness.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho