I can't get death out of my head

If you want to live an easy life, let go of your obsessions.
You're obsessed with perfectionism, aren't you?
You have to throw it away.
The world isn't just black and white.
They come in a variety of colors.
It's not just about winning and losing.
There are also draws.
It's not just about success and failure.
The process of striving for success is also important.

If you let go of that obsession, I think the world will not be a chaotic world, but a colorful world.

Why shouldn't we die?
One is to raise children.
The second is to give back to the people around you to the society you have been indebted to until now.
The third is for your mind to grow.
In terms of Buddhism, this is to practice to become a Buddha.

The Buddha said that.
“People who work hard don't die.
Those who don't make an effort are already dead.”
I think what you should strive for is to let go of your obsession.

Nuko-san

As you know for yourself, I think perfectionism and selfishness are the cause of suffering. In other words, I have a feeling that I want to “control” this world myself, but I think it's confusing because it's not going well.

It seems like you're confused about whether to live or die, but you can see from your sentences that it's because you can't control life as you'd like, and you don't want to die.

This is because living is an “instinct” since they were born as if they were afraid to die. All of our daily activities are acts of “not dying.” Eating, sleeping, defecating, bathing, wearing clothes... all for living. It's what I'm doing so I don't die.
This is the instinct to want to live.

All living things follow the instincts of life: humans, dogs, cats, ants, caterpillars, and cockroaches. Cockroaches chased by humans will desperately run away. A program called “You'll Survive No Matter What” is embedded. That's why it's scary to die even though they say they want to die, and I don't have the courage. This is proof that the “Survive at Any Cost” program embedded within you is working properly.

It's painful for my plans to go wrong due to rules I've made or unexpected accidents... but in the first place, this world doesn't work by human rules. I can't decide tomorrow's weather, and I can't change it. Trains that are delayed or stopped also happen with intentions different from your intentions.

Wouldn't it be nice if they thought that was the case from the beginning? It's all unexpected and unexpected. If you think so, “gratitude” will occur if it happens to be what you want. I think I'm lucky.

You can't prove whether there is a world after death or not, so you don't have to believe it. But I'm living “assuming there is.” That's because it's better for me. If there is a life after death, you can't do anything wrong. Because I'm afraid of punishment. I think I'll live my life seriously so that I won't be scolded in the other world. If you do something good, you can expect to be praised and get some kind of reward... Why don't you assume that Nuko-san also has a life after death? The way you look at various things may change slightly. Here is a suggestion for your reference.
I hope you can get away from the chaos and live an easy life. Senryu

Nuko-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

In Buddhism, we don't think of dying and becoming nothing. This will be rejected as an affirmation.

However, the fact that there is something called an actual “I” that resides permanently is also rejected as an affirmative opinion.

So what will happen after death will deal with the issue of the survival of fine consciousness (mind) that is unaffected by rough bodies and substances like those we have now.

It is also called the fine continuum of mind, or mental inheritance, but due to the causal relationship (cause and condition) of its state, it usually results in reincarnation (loop of hesitation and suffering). The cause and effect is karma, which is the accumulation of worry, ignorance (fundamental ignorance), and actions based on them.

Therefore, if anxiety and ignorance remain the same, and bad deeds are piled up, the results of the next destination will also be lost and gone into a world of suffering.

By studying and practicing Buddhism as that destination, I would like to somehow move towards a better destination even after death, along with peace of mind, salvation, and happiness in this world.

Anyway, it's “Jouzen Josui.” It's not alcohol, it's not about trying to force people to adjust to themselves (that's impossible and pretty tough anyway. It's like a barefoot person padding leather so that it doesn't hurt even if they walk on all the ground. (Instead, you can just let them wear leather, or shoes, on their bare feet.) I am going to be able to respond flexibly to everything and according to my surroundings in my own way.

What should I be in the flow of things? Please take a leisurely look at the flow of water in a nearby river.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

I say selfish things, but I have felt the same way.
When people say “I feel sorry for my kids” or “the family left behind,” they say, “Well then me? It made me feel extra sad, saying, “Even though I'm in pain right now, my responsibilities as a mother or society... if I can think of such things, I don't think I'm going to die.”
You're thinking about everything in your own way, aren't you?
Don't throw around, be realistic. For example, even if my family dies, I can't keep grieving 24 hours a day, 365 days a year (even if I want to). So even when I die, so are those around me. I'm going to live somehow.
Rather, things are simpler without me.
I thought so, and I was searching for ways to commit suicide while doing hasunoha (lol)
Seriously, I meant to do it 100%. So why am I alive today... “Day ○ was Bento Day. ○Day is a child's △△. This is because there were plans to hold them back in some way, such as “○day is temple errands...”
When I was living a laid-back life like that, my child said, “I want to be with my mom.”
The words I was told in a completely unrelated conversation were “Oh, I want to be with you, too,” and made my feeling of “I want to die” for no reason whatsoever diminished.
I also unscrupulously felt that “being able to choose my own death is as miraculous and happy as being born.” It's not like dying thinking we'll see each other tomorrow without being able to say goodbye. You can die by telling them goodbye and your own thoughts. Then it doesn't have to be “now.” We may die tomorrow due to an accident or natural disaster, and since we are always one step ahead of “death,” I thought I'd live now.
I don't deny suicide. The opposite of self-loathing is elevated thinking. The opposite of death is living.
Why don't you keep thinking about death while living? I think one day you'll find a simple and simple reason, saying “that's why I'm alive.”
In my case, it was a feeling of “I want to be with children” without words or responsibilities from others.
After that, I'm still me, and there are things I can't change (laughs), but I have children who acknowledged me, including the bad parts, so I plan to live my life in a dignified manner.
Even though I'm like this, I'm connected to someone. The world would be a little different without me. Human lives are very valuable. You can't understand it, and it's only through the eyes of those around you that you can have a worthwhile life. Therefore, it is explained in Buddhism that my life is not my only life. No matter how bad you think you are, it looks like a precious life in my eyes.