I'm struggling with my past with a monk

Due to mental pain, I broke up with the monk I was engaged to, and I am still suffering from resentment with nowhere to go.
The reason we met was that they saved me when I was suffering from a deep wound. When I met him, he was really kind, and I thought he was like a Buddha. Living at home, I was worried about getting married to a temple, but because he was like that, I had no hesitation, and my parents convinced me to make up my mind.

After that, he changed as if he were a different person. He said to himself that it wasn't changed, “it was just that the essence was revealed.”
Many of the swear words he spelled out at the time of his proposal were immediately abandoned, and he was forced to accept and work according to the model that required all his weaknesses and complaints, his strong personality was denied, he continued to be relentlessly blamed for his past, and it was decided that he never made the big decision to get married again... Anyway, they kept asking me to change in order to match “my yardstick.”
But for him, I am the one who is hurt and I am always the one who is wrong or bad. I'm an arrogant and narrow-minded person who can't be seen by his yardstick. I learned that even after we broke up, they were talking to people around them that they were “hurt by me.”
While saying that he always has Amitaba-sama on his back, he was a mass of self-love and legitimacy.

However, as a monk, he is a monk, and since he does various activities, he often appears in the media, has a high public reputation, and is praised by people. Everyone seems to think that he must be a person of character because of his sincere atmosphere and appearance. Even now, he is a monk as if nothing had happened... I don't know anything about me battling a mental illness.
I was deeply hurt by someone I trusted who should have been saved from suffering once, and I don't know what to believe anymore. Until now, I have been struggling every day, facing myself, accepting him just the way he is, and making desperate efforts in my own way to get closer to the person Amida he wants. Because I had a deep love. Even if he wasn't satisfied at all. The fact that none of the invisible effort or love made any sense was simply futile and I couldn't do it.
Right now, I'm afraid that my kindness and appreciation for him will turn into hate.
I can understand that monks are humans, but even if there is a big gap between when they were monks and their essence, isn't there any remorse?
What is a monk?
Does Amida forgive anything, even if it hurts someone deeply? ...
I'd like to hear how people who are the same monks feel.

4 Zen Responses

A monk is a way of life itself

I think being a monk is a way of life. It's not just that you're a monk when you wear a robe.

Well, he and you have probably been imposing yourself on each other. They probably wanted to fit into the mold they had, like their own property.

However, people don't do well when they are like that. There is no doubt that he was an immature monk. You were immature, too. That's all.

We must cooperate with each other, enhance each other, and love each other.

But that too is in the past. Yesterday's boyfriend and you are no longer there. Please live in the present without being dragged by the past or being dragged by thoughts. It would be nice if we could meet a good match.

A typical DV perpetrator is that monk

I'm glad I noticed it before I got married.

He's the typical DV offender type. People whose exterior and interior are extremely different are inwardly tired of repairing their exterior, so they do extremely terrible things to someone they can reveal their true nature to. Even if the victim (wife, etc.) is unbearable and sues, they defend themselves well with their social status and “like a Buddha” appearance, so the victim is often made into the bad guy.

Even though humans are not Buddhas, monks are required and expected to act like a Buddha, so they will repair their exterior like a Buddha. It's more convenient to act like someone with personality, and if you have such a title, you'll look like a high priest. Being picked up by the media or holding a title becomes more and more convenient. I don't say “I want to be” in that kind of position, but since they secretly turn their hands behind the scenes, they “believe” it extra much. My matchmaker and his wife are just that kind of people (both the chief priest and his wife were born in a temple), so I understand very well what you are saying. They also have a “Buddha like” exterior, are enthusiastic about volunteering, and want to hold that title.

Depending on how you think about it, it may have been good that you were quickly noticed (your partner revealed their true nature quickly). The past cannot be changed, so please take this opportunity to learn about the differences between the outside and the inside. Please don't use the past as a source of regret, and use it as a reference material for living tomorrow.

There are many monks like him. However, there are also admirable religious people (albeit a small number!) who may not be good at first glance but actually seem like monks I'll come over. I hope that only this will be believed, and that they will not dislike the teaching itself.

Fool's Consciousness (Jodo Sect 21st Century Cleavage Declaration)

　I read your question. That person was probably born in a temple, was expected by those around them, and they probably worked hard (even like a child) to pursue such a “should be” figure. However, I realized that being a “monk as a person connected to the Buddha” is not my essence (now). Up to that point, I think it's a good thing. The reason is that meeting you revealed that you are nothing more than an “ordinary man who continues to meet expectations of “being like a monk.”
I also understand this feeling. This is probably because, in other words, I grew up “being brainwashed.” Everyone is happy when they “act like a temple kid.” My parents and the people around me.
In the past, in order to become a full person, they left a “warm” place of residence, went to ascetic practices, were made into kotempan, and were told that it was no good, and there was probably a way to “become a monk” again from there. However, in modern times, there is no such thing. In particular, the Pure Land system makes it difficult to get past that starting point even though it doesn't come down to an outlandish idea of “being scolded (sued) by Amida” if you don't think “I'm a bad guy or powerless.”
So, can't you think that a setback with you might be his starting point as a (true) monk? “I couldn't make the woman who loved me so much happy. It made me suffer.” I think there is a possibility that you will become his mother of faith.
Also, it is unreasonable to ask you to do the same thing as Amida. “She's not your mother, much less Buddha!” That's it.
I don't know how it is in the Shinshu sect, but in the Jodo sect, “repentance” always comes before reciting the sutras. Know that you're a bad guy. After that, I was only able to read the sutras.

Even though he was a murderer, the Buddha made his apprentice

Since they are immature in terms of personality, they need to rely on Buddhism to practice, so being a monk does not mean that they have perfect personalities.
Monks also have greed, anger, laziness, and pride.

Now, for your peace, you'd better let go of your own anger and resentment.
It's not limited to whether the boyfriend you broke up with was a monk or not; you'd better forget about it since you've already broken up.

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