Can I not go to the grave?

　First of all, from the standpoint of a Jodo Shinshu monk, after life is over, they go to the “Pure Land” and be born as a “Buddha.” Our ancestors are in the Pure Land, and they are all Buddhas... Since the Buddha is a person with a circle of wisdom, and they have perfect self-interest and altruism, the Pure Land is truly a world where people care for each other. There is no need to be afraid that “your mother will meet a bad mother-in-law in that world.”
Because even after death, I don't want to fight, fight, bully... It's unbearable... The Buddha overlooked our thoughts, and that's why he built the Pure Land and said he would welcome us as Buddha into that world.
Of course, from your mother's point of view, she may say, “Maybe, but I'll never go to the marriage's grave.”
If so, now there are permanent memorial graves in various places, so I think I should let my mother choose them for me.
Actually, Buddhism does not explain the world after death; it is a teaching that reveals how to live in the present.
The world after death is a world explained for “I can't practice now, and I can't escape suffering no matter what happens.” It is decided now that you will be born into that world, so you can die with peace of mind. It is precisely because we can die with peace of mind that we can live in the present with peace of mind...
Please tell them frankly that your sisters are worried about your mother.
“It's hard to take over” or “I'm still not dead!” Words such as these may come back, but there are no parents who don't like being worried about them by their daughter.
Please cherish your time with your mother now, not after she died.
I, who answered this question, was also made to nod when I wrote these last words... it made me reflect...

That kind of trouble is a story that comes up once in a while even among the parishioners at my temple (; ^ω^a
I understand your mother's feelings very well.
I also understand everyone's feelings about such a mother.

One thing I would like you to think about here is how the enshrine side can responsibly protect it.
What do you mean by saying this, but once the mother involved passes away, that's all, and Honinbo will probably be in a position where you and your daughter should share that role when it comes to subsequent rituals. Be it temporary or permanent.
When I imagine those ancestors, the main body that enshrines the Ancestral Bodhi and the mother's bunto... if it's just a tomb or if it comes down to whether it's just a tomb or whether it's a separate Buddhist altar, that's all... (; '･ω･)
It would be difficult to increase the number of things to protect. If you don't do well, you may eventually get confused in places where things get out of touch.
If you were to talk about it with your mother, it wouldn't be a better story, but if you think about it realistically, you should discuss it with your three daughters now and summarize the story in the direction of making the worship method as simple as possible after that. Therefore, it is one vote for “making the mother a joint enshrine.”
Above all else, the best countermeasure is to discuss this situation with the Osho at the family temple as soon as possible and get specific advice “as an Osho at the family temple.”

I pray that things go smoothly.

Thank you for your question. He is the same chief priest of the Jodo Shinshu sect as the chief priest of Kosei-ji Temple, but there was an example like this at my temple. I was told, “I definitely don't want to go into my ancestors' graves,” so when I told them, “Well then, I'll do a permanent memorial service at the temple,” they said, “Please,” so I did that. The relatives left behind are in trouble. Our denomination means that if we pass away, we will be born in the Pure Land. Gassho

Hello, Mr. Mee.

It's the feeling of a mother who had a hard time at her husband's parents' house, isn't it?
There are two positions for how I feel when my mother dies.
One is my mother's thoughts while she is still alive. The other is my daughter's thoughts as a bereaved family member after her death.
If you have a strong feeling that your mother doesn't want to go into the grave, you should let your mother decide what to do realistically while she is alive. It is possible to have only the commandment names engraved and not put them in the grave, but then there is what to do with the remains. Currently, there is also a method of entering a permanent memorial tomb without becoming a devotee at another temple, but of course it costs money, so you should ask your mother to prepare it.
Not wanting to go in together is my mother's desire while she is alive, so whether or not to respond to that feeling when she passes away will be the bereaved family's way of thinking. If the mother did not respond during her lifetime, the bereaved family can be buried as before. Spirits go to the Pure Land, so I think their bones are far apart in the spirit world, even in the same place (laughs).

The point is, if you want to enter a separate tomb, let your mother prepare during her lifetime. Gassho