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I took a two-year leave of absence due to an eating disorder and mental illness, and went back to school last year. I've been abused by my father since I was an infant, and my mother just kept silent right in front of me and didn't help me. Above all else, being a happy father is violence, breaking my things in front of me and throwing them away. “You're a flawed person. I was told, looking in the eye, “People like you just become social trash.” My mother always offered me and my brother to my father because of her cuteness, and I was just watching. I've never stopped it.

Even so, I've been living my whole life trying not to be like that.
Since I lost up to 36 kilograms due to an eating disorder, I still have far less muscle strength than normal people. Even so, I went to hospitals over and over again, and I tried to live even after taking a lot of medicine.
I was yelled at by doctors, psychologists, and administrative offices, and was even hurt a lot by being told that it was completely useless, such as being yelled at by doctors, psychologists, and administrative offices.

I'm basically a serious honor student.
Since returning to college, I have been doing my best by communicating without any problems, even though I have been mentally and physically hurt. We will contact professors and work towards an A grade in all classes. I have a habit of always smiling, and no one notices that I am being abused.

The university, the house on the battlefield, and the challenges to be done in it. I'm tired. But since they're weak, they have to spend hundreds of times more effort and energy to get normal.

I don't know a safe home. I've never experienced a safe dining table. I think I'll kill him already. The father seems to enjoy being able to enter the room without permission, not being able to freely open the window, not being able to do shopping with peace of mind, being monitored and scared.

I'd like to know if there are any first aid measures that won't kill you anyway. I don't need impossible advice like listening to music, taking a deep breath, or having no choice but to leave the house alone. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of hearing able-bodied people's strangely powerful nonsense. For now, it would be nice if murders and suicides could be prevented as soon as possible. They always listen to me, and I wish there was a temple or something where I could escape. I don't know how to look for it.

5 Zen Responses

ask for help and take further action

Please go to your local government to discuss abuse. They'll show you shelters where you can escape for a small amount of money.
People are born free. No matter what path you take, it will be like that. It's fine. Let's run away. Create a place for your mind to rest. You've worked so hard until now.
From now on, I will live for myself without being afraid. Be brave and ask outside for help. Being consulted here was the first step in that. It's going to take a step further.

For now, how about using an internet cafe (with shower) or a capsule hotel?
Or if it's close to the university, are there any cheap apartments for students that you can move in right away?
If you kill them, what you've studied will go to waste.
Let's find a way to get out of the house and live.

appending
When I feel annoyed, I sing Namamidabutsu and Namamidabutsu in a low voice about 10 times. It calms me down a bit. You can also accumulate merits and kill two birds with one stone.

Feeling excited is a feeling, so just feeling is fine. If you can afford it in the future, I hope you will donate money to the temple you are close with.

No matter how many times

Please write it here.
If you want to prevent it as soon as possible.

No one speaks ill of you.

When there's nothing you can do, do everything you think
You can say it. Same thing, over and over again.

If your parents do anything to you,
“I'm not trash. I can't see it, but I have people who really see me.”
Please take note of the fact.
It shouldn't be impossible.

appending
I'm relieved too. Thank you very much.
It's not regulated at all.
Being furious also seems to be useful. That's because our words of sale and words of purchase are mutual.

As a first aid that doesn't kill

it's just one of the emergency first aid measures...

By being consulted by the police as preparation for murder, how about being able to respond by talking about the circumstances and stating the facts of abuse?

Even if a preliminary murder charge is applied, there will be no arrest or prosecution due to civil non-intervention in the circumstances, and even if arrested, along with commutation of sentence due to voluntary surrender, there is room for extenuating circumstances, so it can be said that prosecution will be suspended or not prosecuted.

Above all else, by desperately appealing the facts of abuse to the police, how about using it as an opportunity to be discussed about abuse responses and countermeasures?

I hope you can also introduce shelters if necessary.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

Think carefully

You can't particularly overlook the comments in the “advice” part around the end.
Aren't you looking at it quite from above, like “I'm sick of it”?
I dare say that, you too will end up in the same hole as your father.
Besides, aren't those words too cold to people who have been involved and called out to you in a big or small way until now?

Unless you try to review yourself around here and there, any salvation advice I give you is a decision leading to an “impossible” conclusion. There is no point in any action. I have a disability, so it doesn't matter at all.

You're not living on your own.
Cherish the “relationship” that brought you to where you are now even more.

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