Do your best with the intention of dying → failure → die
My mother grew up being abused due to mental illness.
Studying, which was the only thing that freed my mind, was destroyed by my mother's opposition to going on to college, and I became independent by getting a job at my mother's favorite workplace, but I couldn't stand my mother's interference with her workplace, and I retired on the same day I became an adult. After that, I worked part-time at a cram school.
I got married, but wouldn't I become that devilish mother too? Can you get along well with other mom friends? Aren't children demons due to segregated inheritance? I was neurotic due to fears like that. I studied a lot to stop the chain of abuse. Under such circumstances, I was saved by the Buddhist idea that “mother's love is also affliction,” and I was able to forgive my mother. Also, things have improved quite a bit. However, my husband lost his job, and I began taking birth control pills out of fear that both my job hunting and pregnancy were impossible, and since I started going to an emerging Buddhist religion, I got divorced from my husband, saying, “You didn't feel like giving birth from the beginning, Damashitana.”
After that, I was invited by an emerging religion and became a monk. However, everyone received quite a bit of support from their parents' house, and in the end, the atmosphere was “grateful to my parents.” Of course, I am grateful to my mother, but I had doubts about the idea that “mother = good.” I was told by the representative of the group that spoke ill of other current believers, and I didn't care about that, but they said, “Compared to the inconvenience from my followers, there's no pain I've received from your mother (laughs),” and it made me speechless.
I also started job hunting to get out of a religious organization. Actually, the communication university I've been working on for nine years will graduate next month. I did philosophy, religion, and psychology at university. I wanted to make use of it, but nothing works. Even cram schools.
I don't have any motivation anymore and I want to die. But it's the only one I've been able to go to the cram school. I have to pay rent, activity expenses, and food expenses to religious groups, so. Also, the students are cute. I'm thinking about moving first, but I don't have the energy or money.
My life is stuck with no family, no marriage, no childbearing, no employment, no schoolwork, no hobbies, no friends, no one, no monk. It's a better life to die. I don't have any hobbies, so I want to work as much as possible all day long. Gakushuku is only open in the evening, so...
Can we start again?