How to have feelings

Every day since I changed jobs, getting scolded seems to break my heart.
I was told about work that would cause trouble to other departments and companies if I make a mistake, but at the same time there are many work procedures, a sense of speed is required, and I do it while looking at memos, but every day I make some mistakes.
The cause is impatience and immaturity in basic operations. As long as I am paid, I know that it is my responsibility and that I am spoiled.
However, the senior who taught me blames me more than necessary, and since he is a person who is slightly mean and mentally cornered, I am quite depressed because I have no words to return.
They get mad at me whether I ask a question or not, and every time my senior sighs, I'm sorry, but I'm scared and atrophied, and my head goes blank... I fall into a negative loop.
I'm just apologizing rather than saying something to my seniors (my seniors only accept that) and gradually I don't understand who... what... I'm apologizing to. I did my job properly in my previous job, but now I don't have confidence and I'm embarrassed about that.
A lot of things happened, and I wanted to disappear, and I wanted to die. After all, I'm living without dying, but it's also scary that I feel depressed and want to die again.
I would at least try to make my greetings sincere, but it's futile. I'm pathetic and embarrassed at a good age, but could you give me some advice on how to have a heart without getting too depressed and how to get involved with seniors? please.