You'd better die. guilt

Even though I've been doing my best, I've barely studied for the entrance exam and just escaped reality (reading, internet), and I haven't been able to study properly for the past few months.
My parents, teachers, and friends are pretending that things are going well somehow, I'm afraid of being known and can't even talk to them, and even though I'm making them pay a lot of money, even though they support me, I feel that I've been deceiving and betraying people all the time because I haven't studied properly.

Even when I was on active duty, I couldn't work hard at all to get there even though the university I was aiming for was right.
From winter until the entrance exam, I hardly studied and spent my time crying like an empty shell every day.
I blamed myself for not trying hard at all while people around me were trying so hard.
In particular, before menstruation, I became emotionally unstable, and I always wished I could die soon.
As a result, while I was accepted to a good university around me, of course, I didn't get accepted anywhere, and I wanted to die because of my own lack of effort at all.

Also, even though I should have switched to Ronin, I worried too much about my surroundings, such as the fact that my friends who went to college seemed to be having fun and that my studies were seriously lagging behind other examinees,
Since spring, I've only been studying absurdly as if I'm somehow turning my eyes away from reality,
I gradually began to think that my hopeless, helpless self, even though my ideals are high, should die, and that I can't do anything from now on that I can't study for entrance exams,
I began seriously thinking about suicide around summer.
There was no point in living, and I thought it was okay to die.
I also found a good way to commit suicide.

After all, I didn't have the courage to commit suicide, and I'm still alive, but I'm still alive, but I'm a sin, and it's impossible to make it in time from now on until I die, and although it may be selfish, I always have suicide in my head as a solution. I don't know what to do anymore.

4 Zen Responses

Why don't you throw something away?

　This time of year is very difficult, isn't it?
1) Something will work out. It's an all-enrollment age, so the game starts once you've entered.
2) Take this opportunity to “try your best” and experience whatever the results may be. Just now.
3) Why don't you stop taking the exam?

It's one of them, isn't it?
Even if I'm worried about that, I'm just using my time again, so why don't you just make a quick decision?
That's because time spent just thinking is probably the most wasted time.

(postscript)
Thank you for writing “thank you.” I see, couldn't you tell your parents about the current situation? I think it took courage to report it. First, he taught me very well. Now, please raise the next “question.”

Let's honestly say what we've written here to our parents.

Parents are always thinking about their children's happiness.
I think they are supporting the daughter who became a ronin because she thought of her child's happiness.
Please try to honestly express your current feelings.
Things will surely change.

Your parents may say “stop it already,” and maybe Hanazumi will think “I'll do my best again.”

I think Hanazumi hasn't heard her parents' true intentions either?
Let's think about it after we have a firm face to face with our parents.
You can study if you want to, and if you want to stop and take a break, I think you should do that.

Hanazumi may be doing her best because she wants to “be recognized,” but her parents unconditionally acknowledge her children.
It would be foolish to commit suicide just because they wanted to run away.
If you're going to die anyway, isn't it okay to honestly show your weaknesses once?
Parents acknowledge and protect their children's weaknesses.

Don't lie to yourself

As Shakshin Sei says, I think it's a good idea to show it to your parents as it is.
As an advantage,
➀ You won't have any lies. You don't want to show this, do you? That's your lie, a feeling you want to hide. I want to be cool, and it's painful because it's a way of life where people lie.
② Your parents will understand, accept, and love you for who you really are.
③ Restoring future parent-child relationships. Actually, I think even your parents are actually waiting for you to be more honest. You've probably been putting up walls since you weren't happy with the entrance exam. Please show me your bad self as it is. Please reveal your painful self.
④ The browser will disappear.
⑤ I can concentrate on my studies. I can return to my honest self. I can be honest about what I want to do.
Please be sure to show it to me.
If you couldn't show it, please reply here again about what you couldn't show. Then, ask questions you've felt and what you should do to take the next step.

It's been hard up until now.

Hanazumi

I'm Yuki Shizuku, a monk, female professional wrestler, and counselor apprentice.

First of all, I was so worried that I wanted to die.
that was painful. Even so, they've been alive until now! thank you.

Well, taking the exam really makes you sick, doesn't it? I got sick too. Even if I try hard, I don't get any results, and since entrance exams are a competition with others, I see an extra difference with others.
And above all, the most frustrating thing was when I didn't get rewarded even if I tried so hard.
It didn't work even if I tried so hard = I was able to show off the limits of my abilities.

If only Tekito did it, I would have been able to do it originally, but I can blame it on that tough attitude, and if I pass even though I only did Tekito, it would be great.

It's scary to see reality.

But it's exciting no matter what kind of results you get in a game where you just do it and take on the challenge.

I'm in the middle of ascetic training, but I've been told a lot about bad work, that you're not good, that you're a problem kid, stop aiming to become a monk.

My other colleagues were always kindly praised.
They are always treated well and cherished.

It was so frustrating and miserable.

But now I'm surrounded by a lot of fans and a lot of Hashiha friends.

400 congratulatory emails for birthdays!

I also failed the university entrance exam, but I managed to get the title of a famous university graduate later.

And above all, I'm happy
“Thanks to you, I have gained courage!”
It's called.

I don't have an educational background there, but the knowledge I've studied is alive.

Don't be afraid of failure. Whatever the outcome, I'll cheer you on!

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