I want to die

I read it. The worries and suffering you are facing now are not unique to you, and I think they are problems that people have faced since prehistoric times.
People are given life and know that they will eventually die, but they struggle and suffer while they are alive, and there are many times when they want to die or get rid of themselves like this.
There are times when I think that the self that others see is the person who plays Karisome, and that my true self isn't like that, and that I'm nothing but a miserable appearance.

But I don't think I'll ever be able to run away from that kind of self. Even if I take my own life, I don't think I'll ever be able to escape that kind of self.

Even though it's an ugly, foolish, and irreplaceable self, I think there are people who look at themselves like that in the depths of their hearts and want to protect them, and that's great.

There's no way to know the answer to what to do right now, and if you're mentally and physically exhausted, your hesitation will only increase.

In between lives, I think it is necessary to rest both mentally and physically for a while and try to calm your mind.

While hesitating, worrying, and suffering, you may be able to find a starting point or trigger that will lead to an answer as you carefully look back at it in between while taking a break, and you may notice it.

If the death you mentioned is considered an honor, I think it's okay to give an answer to the question of how it is honorable for people to live and die.
That's because it's everyone's problem as well as your problem.

The answer isn't that easy, and it's not human-made like a game.

This is an opportunity you've been given, so don't be in a hurry and try to face that problem carefully from now on.

I'm sure you'll be able to see the beginning or trigger somewhere.

I read it again.
I think you've already begun to discover the various meanings, values, and purposes of life. Please don't be impatient and take your time to face it from now on. I will support you from the bottom of my heart.

Vivi-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

In Buddhism, suicide is not uniformly classified as something bad.

Nor is it recommended.

However, in Buddhism, even in the case of an act called suicide, it is necessary to consider the issue of “karma” (karma).

“Karma” will have a greater impact than anything else, just like who I am after this life.

In particular, suicide as an act due to ignorance (fundamental ignorance) or distress is “bad work,” so after all, it is inevitable that it will be a causal relationship (cause and condition) that will cause bad results for the next trip, and it is a place where it cannot be highly recommended.

If suicide is motivated by anger, jealousy, hatred, despondency, greed, etc., then it is inevitable that it will become bad work.

Of course, if it's a suicide that doesn't turn into bad work, it's good, and if the motive is pure, then that doesn't matter, but the reality is that we have to say that it's almost impossible when it comes to whether such a thing is possible for us ordinary people.

Also, with regard to karma and its motives, it is also something that we ordinary people can easily figure out, such as good karma, bad karma, and neutrality, so it is a place where it is difficult to judge which one the suicide will be, even if bad luck is taken lightly.

In any case, in order to achieve true happiness and true peace of mind, if you have received a blessed life in this world with Buddhism, you will want to somehow receive a Buddhist connection and walk the path of smoothly adjusting your work.

Also, of course, Buddhism contributes to public happiness and peace of mind.

By all means, I would be grateful if you could learn and practice Buddhism as a compass for your life from now on.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

Are you about to break up with her?
That's not it; they've already broken up.
Don't let your regrets last forever.
And from now on, treat them as just friends with a smile.
I think that makes her happy.
Being able to do that is true love.
If you couldn't do it, it was just love, or just sexual desire.
True love is wishing for her happiness, getting rid of her suffering, and is called mercy in Buddhism.
Please develop the true love in your heart.
In the future, when you grow into an adult man who can work, has a stable income, and has true love, if she is still free, you should confess again.
To that end, please concentrate on what you need to do now.

I read your question.

There are more than a few people who have selfish ideals about death.
However, if you learn Buddhism to understand death, you will not be optimistic about choosing death easily.
Master Kawaguchi mentioned the thing called death earlier, so please refer to it!

Now, I'll explain it based on that.
As is often said, “death is equal.” Certainly, if you look only at the result of “death,” it will come equally to everyone.
However, the process leading to death is not equal. What kind of path they take and what kind of mindset they face when facing death is different for each person. And in Buddhism, “What kind of heart do you face death with?” I value it very much.
This is because it is called “Isshin at the end of life,” and it is said that the place where you will be born next will be determined by your feelings at the time of death. If you die filled with worries such as regret, obsession, anger, and greed, you may be born on the border of hell, hunger, and beast life. It may be a world filled with incomparably more suffering than Vivi's current circumstances.
However, if you can reach the end of your life peacefully with the Buddha's teachings in your heart, you will surely be born into a world without suffering in the next life.

Like this, “What kind of heart do you face death with?” It is directly linked to a way of life. You have lived in a state of dissatisfaction, anger, and worry, and you can't feel at ease only when you face death. Death is the total settlement of one's life. Just as if I had lived my life, that feeling will come to light.
Well, if Vivi were to die in her current state, it wouldn't be hard to imagine what kind of feelings she would have at that time...

Also, it seems like he's worried about his true self. But think about it. If you try to change the part you don't like, you'll change your original self, so you'll create a new self, albeit partially, and repaint it. Then, in the process, your original self and your new self exist.
However, if your new self becomes commonplace, your original self can be repainted. If that happens, your true self will become your new self.
In this way, you can reinvent your true self as much as you want. That is why they say “humans can change at any time.”

Please try to refer to something even a little bit.

“The last time I asked a question, is that purpose in life is something you can find later”
“I was told, but in the end, I couldn't find it”
I wonder if it's easy to find young teens by thinking little by little.

“I want to hear the monk's opinion on this problem”
It seems that the words are spelled out as if they are asking for salvation because they are really sick, and while receiving important issues that should be tackled by betting on their lives from the previous responding monk, they are lightly blunting “I couldn't find it after all” in one week, and apparently no matter how much thought all the teachers thought about it and tried their words, apparently you don't have a serious ear to listen. Your soul is “don't you feel sorry for me?” I guess they just want to attract sympathy with that appeal and immerse themselves in “poor me after all.”

There won't be anything until you can't stop bragging about that misfortune.