I want to let go of my lost heart between superiority and inferiority

I lived my life because I had to get results.
I went to cram school from elementary 2 to junior high school entrance exams. There is a weekly review test on Sunday, and the results determine the seat order from the beginning. When my grades are bad, I'm in a bad mood, and when I'm good, I smile. I was terrified.

I bought flowers for Mother's Day! I can't forget being told “hmm.”

My mom died 9 years ago when I was 29.
I wasn't told by my mother that “results are everything” or “there's no point unless it's the best,” but I've become an adult who thinks so. I had a habit of saying, “I have to do it.” Right now, I'm consciously changing to “let's do it.” I read a lot of books in pain, and it was last month that I finally arrived at the term adult children.

I still play every day in the middle and high school tennis clubs. While I was going to the test, I remember with shock when I learned that my brother and parents had gone to tennis, leaving me alone.

What I'm worried about right now is that I don't even want to play practice games.
I've told people close to me, but you still don't want to play? I'm tormented by the word. Are there things that people you meet for the first time will always ask you when you meet them for the first time? That's it. Every time I'm asked that, it's painful.

If you lose, you'll be confronted as being inferior to your opponent, and that is “unbearable.” If I were in a rally, I wouldn't be beaten, but I was better at it, so why? You're arrogant, right? (The one who makes a mistake first loses, so there are times when you lose below grade)

I definitely beat this guy. Thinking about it was so hard that I didn't go to the game. But I thought I'd have to go to a game where the pros were playing, but I gradually became unaware of the meaning of playing against an opponent who was “natural to lose.”

Mistakes are haha! My coach says he wants me to be able to laugh. So recently I've been playing doubles for fun, and it's not really funny.

Even if people say, “You're good at it,” “What do you know?” “Where? It's received as “even though it wasn't made at all.” If you think about it, on the contrary, they hit a strong ball out of the desire to be thought of as amazing.
What was necessary at that time was control, but I recently realized that when hitting to defeat an opponent, you are not on your own axis, but on someone else's axis.

Just because you notice it doesn't mean you can let go right away.
How can you free yourself from the thought “if you lose, you're below”?

4 Zen Responses

selfless

In Buddhism, we all think that the five phenomena of the five senses (color, reception, thought, action, consciousness) are only hypothetically intertwined.
Color is a physical and material phenomenon. The remaining 4 are mental phenomena.
The existence of the “self” we are attached to is nothing more than a color, reception, thought, action, and wisdom that changes moment by moment, and there is no unwavering entity called “me.”
This is called selflessness or emptiness, and the conceptual symbol “self” actually exists like a dream or illusion, and is not worthy of obsession.
For example, cells are replaced by metabolism, and the mind floats and disappears moment by moment.
So, my past self and my current self are actually different people (new self every moment), and I'm just inheriting stored data and names on the family register.
In Buddhism, we aim for “enlightenment” where you can feel the above through practice such as meditation.
It's a difficult teaching that you can't understand unless you go out of your way to practice, but first of all, as knowledge,
“My 'self' is selfless (empty), and my past self was someone else.
My mind comes and goes from moment to moment, and every moment I am a new self.
So, there's no need to be obsessed with your own values or wins and losses.
The five flavors (color, reception, thought, action, consciousness) now and here only have a shelf life of 1 second”
If you try to be aware of that, you might feel a little easier.

I don't think they love winning

What I feel strongly about reading this sentence is that you
It's not “I want to win, I want to get results,”
I feel like “I don't want to lose, I'm afraid to see the results”

These two seem similar and are completely different, and neither is good or bad
However, the former is probably easier to maintain a healthy mind

The reason I feel that way from your sentences is that I can't read the atmosphere of being fascinated by “the joy of victory”
No matter what kind of competition there is, as long as there are wins and losses there, there aren't many people who have the mentality to gain anything from losing
First of all, I feel that we need to love victory instead of hating defeat

I think they're out of the mentality of excellent contestants when they think “if they lose”
This may just be a coincidence, but the excellent contestants I've met, whether in sports or games, were all “greedy for victory” and “uninterested in losing”
You can also take it as if you think losing is the cost of winning
Not just a tournament, but one game, one ball in front of you
I put my ideals there and continue to aim to win against those ideals
Regretting “not being able to win”, they head to the next game “to win next”

I feel like everything is the opposite of your current mentality

The first thing to do is win
Whether your opponent is underrated, bad, or yesterday's self, being aware that you won, and rejoice at it
Creating a spirit of seeking victory and taking risks in order to win
I feel like this is important

Thank you Ayumi for your consultation.

From an early age, a sense of competition was instilled in them, and if they couldn't do it, they made a disgusting face, and if they didn't get the feeling that they were loved even when they were able to do it, everyone began to listen to someone else's complexion, and even if they win, they couldn't do it with their own joy, and if they lost, they fell into self-loathing.
As you said, adult children are also one of the causes, and I think it's because they are not good at loving themselves, forgiving themselves, and showing kindness and compassion to themselves.

Being considerate of yourself (self-compassion) isn't about pampering yourself or being lazy. It refers to sincerely facing one's own worries and suffering and dealing with them in a way that leads in a good direction.
To that end, it is necessary to first be freed from the spells of parents' words and actions and heal yourself. You can heal your mind and body, fully feel safe and secure in your heart, don't judge without evaluation, and just stay the way you are! I think it's important to unconditionally feel self-existence. It refers to cultivating the spirit of mercy in Buddhism.

“You don't have to force yourself to work hard, I'm wonderful the way I am, and I will continue to be me”
People make mistakes, and they are ashamed. Of course, there are times when you win or lose at something.
But that's proof that I'm alive. If you start to think that's fine, you'll be able to forgive yourself a lot, acknowledge yourself, and feel joy even in trivial matters.

For example, they might give up seats to elderly people on trains, etc. Even in tennis, if you team up a doubles, you'll run for your partner's cover. Let's direct the warmth of our heart at that time to ourselves. That's where compassion begins.
The Buddha said, “Everyone loves me,” and the person next to you feels the same way, so he told you to respect yourself and that person as something you love. Please let's cultivate compassion together.
I'm sure you'll be able to let go of someone else's axis.

PS: Thank you so much for your quick thank you message. There are rainy days and there are sunny days. Loving yourself is probably just enough to think that it's OK to be fine or rainy. Please refer to it. Please contact us again if you have any problems. I would like to thank you for this partnership. Regret.

May you be saved and live freely

I read it.
I read that you've been competing since you were young and have had a very difficult time. I don't know the details about you, your mother, or the people around you, but I really understand your painful feelings.

I think you really want to be free from the thought “if you lose,” you really want to be free from the bottom of your heart. I think you want to be freed from having to constantly judge by winning or losing.

You've probably been viewed that way until now, and I think you've been forced to do that. So I think they're caught up in judging wins and losses. I think I've lived my life thinking that way in order to survive in order to protect myself. So I think it would be quite difficult to let go of that standard.

However, the fact that you are living is not only living within the standards and norms of winning and losing.
This is because we have received many blessings in our lives. We live by sincerely respecting each other and helping each other. It's how small and how foolish it is to decide who is the winner and who the loser.

There is certainly competition everywhere. However, the most important thing is to sincerely respect, respect and praise each other during the game and even after the game is over. If we don't respect each other from the bottom of our hearts, we'll lose sight of what's really important, we won't make real sense, and we'll lose the true value of that game.

Therefore, the Buddha, God, and our ancestors watch over us equally, guide us in a truly good direction, and save us from our hesitation and suffering.

I sincerely pray to Buddha, God, and your ancestors so that you can be saved from what you have been caught up to now, that you can live peacefully and freely, and that you can sincerely respect each other and live a healthy life. We wholeheartedly agree

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