I want to stop hating my parents
I still haven't forgiven my parents, and my grief continues. It's a January story of this year, and my mother said, “I want you to leave next year because nursing is difficult,” even though she knew I had fallen ill at work, went to a psychiatrist, and even though she knew she wanted to die. It was a month after my mom told me that I should stay home even after I retired at the end of this year. I knew it would be difficult due to nursing care, hospital attendants, etc., but I felt like I had been thrown out, and I felt a strong sense of loneliness even when I was at home, so I moved in May. On the day of the move, my parents went on a trip in the morning. My father knew I was depressed, but he almost never talked to me. After that, we had a discussion once, but on the contrary, it became complicated and tangled, and after that, my mother used me as my insurance contract agent without permission, and I was so stunned that I haven't met my mother since. My father comes to me about twice a month and brings me food (including things my mother made) and clothes that fit in the house. My parents have apologized. But I can't forgive it. I think I am who I am now because my mother worked so hard at raising children, and my father even worked the night shift, and I expressed my gratitude for that. I think we should forgive them, but even now they bring me food, and I feel like they're trying to make a loan. My mother often said the words “get out” and “get out fast” since I was in elementary school. It seems that my mother said that because she wanted them to become independent quickly. Also, since I don't have any money, I was told that if I went to a private university, I would borrow my own scholarship, so I went on to a public vocational school, but my sister went on to a private high school or private university without a scholarship. It seems that the reason is that my little sister won't be able to return the money properly. What do you do when you quit even when you were in high school because of the difficult times you didn't want to go to school? I'm just being told that. Not only this time, but up until now, it feels like something has overflowed, and I'm avoiding contact with my parents as much as possible now. Even now, I still cry when I remember being treated like that by my parents in the past, and it makes me want to die eventually due to anger, resentment, and sorrow. I think I shouldn't think about it, but I suddenly think about it and it makes me feel painful again. I don't want to think about my parents anymore, but I also feel guilty when I see my father's angry face asking... (I tell my father that I want him not to come here as much as possible)
What should I do?