About mothers who deny marriage partners
I'm having a dispute with my mother about my marriage partner.
I'm an elite in the world (I graduated from the University of Tokyo and work for a government agency). Actually, there were other places I wanted to go to, both at university and at my place of employment, but every time I chose my career path, I got into a fight with my mother (she was unilaterally yelled at), and until now I have been defeated.
I became a member of society, and now I'm having trouble with my marriage partner. My lover isn't the high-spec my mom wanted. But I know what's good about him, and we're both conscious of getting married. His educational background and occupation aren't that low when it comes to the world, and my father said that too.
When I was in a relationship with him, I confirmed to him, “My mother may not approve, but is that OK?” He told me that was fine, and they are dating, and finally there is talk of an engagement.
I've been talking to my parents about him until now, but sure enough, my mother stubbornly doesn't approve. Both of my cousins and sisters got married to the high specs that my mother thought, so compared to that, they all denied “it's not balanced,” “why would they choose someone like that,” and “why don't they continue marriage hunting.”
I didn't push through my own wishes, either choosing a university or a place of employment, and finally chose where my mother wanted. I'm not unhappy right now, but I still have a feeling of regret that I didn't choose what I wanted to do, and I want to decide my own marriage partner. But even if I say that to my mother, I don't acknowledge the fact that my own expectations influenced my daughter's choices, such as “don't blame people even though you chose your own place of study and place of employment,” “you choose someone your mother isn't happy with as your marriage partner by chance,” and “are you completely ignoring the parents' intentions?”
My father is not opposed to marriage, but I don't fully understand this feeling, saying “talk to your mother so she can understand,” “my mother is worried,” and “it's not good to be a toxic parent.”
My father seems to think that the time will come when I can understand if I talk, but I don't think so. Values are different, and if my daughter tries to do something that doesn't match her intentions even a little bit, it has been said until now, “I didn't raise her for this kind of thing” and “I don't have enough appreciation for my parents.”
I am grateful to my mother who gave birth and raised me, but do children have to listen to everything their parents say as a thank you for being raised by them? I have both the feeling that I don't want to dislike my mother, who is my immediate family member, and the feeling that I hate her. What should I do?