I want to be forcibly indecrated and die every day.

　On Thursday, July 2015, I was forcibly indecrated by my male boss at the company I worked for a week.

On my way home from work, I was strangled, forcibly kissed saying “I won't be able to work,” my tongue was inserted, my chest was licked, my male genitals were put in my mouth, and I ejaculated. I was told, “It's dirty, isn't it?” It was disgusting and painful, so I went back to my parents' house crying, immediately went to the bathroom, rinsed my mouth over and over again with liquid toothpaste, drank, and desperately washed my body in the bath.

On that day, I was so embarrassed that I couldn't sort out what had happened, and I actually wanted to shout at my mother for help, but I tried to make it happen that it wasn't there, so I went to work the next Friday. It was a holiday, and when I was crying in my futon from morning to night, my mother came over, and when I saw that worried face, they talked about everything. Then, I talked to my father and my lawyer, and told the company's HR department everything. My manager was questioned and I resigned. I also told them everything, and I was too embarrassed to continue working at that workplace, so I retired. I also consulted with the police. We have all the circumstantial evidence, but I was told that we couldn't make an arrest because there was no physical evidence. I didn't like it to death when I went to the obstetrics and gynecology department to see if I had any venereal diseases, so I was scared and went crying. I was afraid to go get the results, so I asked my mom to go get them. I was really relieved when I found out that nothing was infected.

But from that day on, people were so scared that I couldn't help it. Just looking at men passing by makes me want to run away with anxiety. I've also come to avoid dealing with people.
I'm ashamed of myself, and when I'm alone at night, I can't stop crying and I search for ways to hang myself. Why do I have to suffer so much. That man hasn't been caught by the police, and he's still alive. It makes me think that it would be nice if news about that man dying after getting involved in a traffic accident or murder would come out. Wishing for someone's death should be something that shouldn't happen. I don't want to think that.

Every day, every time I sleep because I'm tired of crying, I hope so, if I don't wake up like this, please kill me, God. I'm afraid tomorrow will come.

3 Zen Responses

it's a painful story just to listen to

It was a tough experience.
No arrests were made, but he is clearly a victim of a criminal case.
It's painful and obvious.

But you don't have to be ashamed of anything.
It's a story you can forget because you think you've been bitten by a stray dog.
Even if a woman like you who has been victimized is close to you and she confesses that fact, I wouldn't be ashamed of that woman.
There's nothing wrong with you, so you can look ahead in a dignified manner.
So, please don't remember the perpetrator or the incident.
Thoughts cause feelings.
Train yourself to manage your thoughts (not think about things you don't need to think about).

When I wake up in the morning and despair, I desperately take a breath

I saw it.

The past year leading up to the present has been going through hard and difficult days, hasn't it?
Answer This is a post about a monk, but if I were not a monk, but the victim's husband, brother, sister, or daughter, what would I think and what kind of actions would I take? My daughter came of age, couldn't say it to anyone, and if she posted this sentence full of suffering... I thought about that over and over again.
When I thought about it over and over again, thoughts full of malice that I couldn't spell out in this answer column took control of my mind. I imagined revenge in every way, and retaliation (lynching) involving more suffering than my loved ones had experienced against the perpetrators living in society.

They become emotionally anxious, unable to sleep, become afraid of people, and even feel disgusted by their own gender. Not only my own, but also the lives of my family, relatives, and friends will be derailed by just one boring person.
And every morning, every morning, I greet the morning while almost suffocating. The day begins when you exhale a big, heavy breath while questioning yourself whether it's a dream or reality. I'm sure it's unbearable for me to look at a girl like that. I think your parents were also overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness at some point.
And now, I think she continues to gently snuggle up to you and watch over your daughter with “the courage to do nothing.”

The opposite of hope is despair and resentment.
“No matter how long it takes, I want hope for where my daughter is headed from now on.”
“I don't want them to live traumatized and ashamed of their past.”
“Because you recognized us as parents and were born into this world. I was born to be happy.”
However, with that in mind, I think they hope that you will move forward little by little.

When you wake up in the morning and feel hopeless, take a desperate breath.
The next morning, I breathed desperately, the next morning, and the next morning...
And even if you take your time, take back your life and show it to me.

Should I curse today for a lifetime at the end

What a complete bastard. If I were your father's lover, I'd beat him to death.
It's natural for your feelings to think so.
Let's hope that person dies too.
But why don't we make today our last day?
There's a good way.
Let's start on the path of reincarnation today.
For example, when I was in elementary school, I must have had a very difficult experience, but there are many things I forget.
Over the course of 24 hours, while you're awake, let's train to gradually focus on other things so as not to think about it.
Thankfully for the body, older cells are dying and being reborn every second at the cellular level, so you at that time have already died and been regenerated at the cellular level.
Then there are flashbacks and trauma.
If you look closely at the thoughts that come up, those thoughts only come out when you think about them at that time, and when you think about what to wear for breakfast or what clothes to wear today, thankfully, they are completely gone.
Moreover, trauma and flashbacks cannot strictly be called trauma or flashbacks at the time they occur, and although the analogy is bad, they don't function as trauma if you don't pick them up or if you don't pick them up, just like when sushi you don't need is played.
Zazen meditation is recommended in order to identify this area.
When a thought is simply born out of nowhere, all you have to do is go through it as read. Then, just as the kaiten-zushi plate flows (can't we do something about this analogy), that trauma and flashbacks will disappear.
I also had a hard time recently, and even though those memories came up, I haven't dealt with them.
If you do that, you will eventually experience “reincarnation.”
Even if a lotus blooms from a muddy swamp, it is not stained, just as beautiful white flowers bloom. Physically, mentally, and scientifically. That was painful. It's fine now. You are being reborn every moment. After that, just try to keep trying so that you don't pick up your memory even if it comes up.

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