It's hard being alive.

I like thinking on the premise of reincarnation or work from a previous life.
Speaking of which, you yourself had a strong desire to “live” in your previous life, and you probably had that kind of energy, such as “I want to live longer no matter how painful it is” or “I want to be human because I can suffer.”
Therefore, that thought has come true, and I am living in that body, in that place.
The reason I like this way of thinking is that if you think of it as a reward for your own work (karma), you don't have to blame others and get in trouble.
You seem to think that you don't deserve to be happy, so I think it's great that you don't blame others for your unhappiness.
As for the value of living, it is said that you are being treated as desired by your parents and friends, so your life is probably valuable to your parents and acquaintances.
By the way, you can practice Buddhism even in bed. How about becoming familiar with Buddhism as a hobby, as a friend for life?
A little free time won't make you bored.

Yu-san
Pray for your own death every day
Every morning when I wake up
How can you despair about your living self

I think it's really painful.

Take away your power to live
Things that made me lose track of my own value
What the heck is it

“But every time I had a positive image, like a commandment that you won't allow it, I've been pushed back, big or small.”

What exactly is it that continues to push Yu-san down

You are due to something
It made me lose track of my own value
I think I'm not able to take good care of myself anymore.

The first thing to do is clarify something about it.

Don't face the cause
Why don't you inspire yourself by force
I think it will make the suffering deeper.

nor
“I don't want to worry or bother my loved ones any more, so I can't complain.”
I mean
It's about communicating your suffering to others and depending on them properly.
It's not that it doesn't cause trouble
Being thankful for your concern and being thankful

Being strong by hiding your weaknesses is weakness.
I think being aware of our weaknesses and expressing them is our strength.

People are born to be precious.
and
Yu's parents and friends want her to live.

nor
What is the desire to die
I think they're screaming that life wants to live.
Please listen to your own inner voice.

My name is Kameyama Junshi. Thank you so much for this post to hasunoha. Yu-san, who thought she'd post to this site and actually posted it like this, actually doesn't want to die. People who really want to die don't post on this site. This is because this site is by no means a site that encourages people to die. This site is a site that gives you the power to live.
Now, it is said that Yu-san doesn't understand her own value and can't take care of herself, but where on earth should I find value in people? Whether it's a newborn baby, an elderly person who has become bedridden, or someone born with a disability, there is value for everyone. In Buddhism, people believe that being born as a human being is valuable in itself. In the 182nd of the “Dharma Sutra,” which is one of the sutras of primitive Buddhism, it is explained that “although it is difficult to receive life (sho) as a human being, and we should die eventually, we are thankful that we have life now.” Every morning, I wake up and say, “Oh, I was able to wake up today too.” That in itself is something worthwhile to be thankful for. On the other hand, Buddhism explains that our lives are “difficult.” In other words, being born as a human being is valuable, yet that life is “painful.” This means, “Having received a life where we can meet the Buddha (being born as humans), we will walk the path of meeting the Buddha, and eventually meet the Buddha.” That's it.
I hope my answers will be helpful to Yu-san even a little bit.

Yu-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is a humble answer to the question.

“Once I craved death, I don't have the right to laugh sincerely and live a bright life”... that's not true.

Thinking “I want to die” is not limited to Yu-sama, and I think there are more than a few cases where we feel that way when we face unbearable worries and suffering in our lives. Of course, I thought so too.

Nevertheless, somehow we have been helped and supported in various ways, and we are now each able to live our lives now.

That's right. Exactly being alive also means being supported and helped by various things and things.

We are really fragile beings, and if we want to end our lives, there are any number of ways, and we can get rid of them in no time...

On the other hand, living is really difficult without all kinds of help and support, and if we don't help, support, complement, and share with each other, it's a very difficult existence to maintain.

And it also means that you too can support and help others. It doesn't matter at all after Yu-sama has been cured of her illness and is well, so I would be grateful and precious if you could support and help those in trouble or those who are suffering by something you can do. Up until now, I'm sure you can fully understand the worries and suffering of various people as if they were your own, and if you wanted to do something or heal them even a little, that is an important heart of compassion that should be nourished in Buddhism as well.

Yu-sama naturally has the right to laugh and live a cheerful life. Rather than qualifications, it also depends on Yu-sama's own heart. If you only think backwards, nothing will progress. Don't give up easily, and since it can be done little by little, I hope you can work on it without being too bothered, impatient, or overdoing it.

Of course, eventually everyone will die, but I want them to live and survive until the very end. Let's save the conclusion for the last moment.

Anyway, please concentrate on treatment first. I sincerely pray for a complete cure for your illness.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho