I don't understand the meaning of living
Recently, I don't understand why I have to live this far.
They were treated as less than livestock by their classmates due to bullying, and their existence was denied, and even when they became ill, they couldn't easily gain understanding from those around them, and they lived despite suffering.
It wasn't until I was raped that I clearly realized, “Oh, I'm less than a domestic animal for those around me.” My parents second-raped me with horrible words, and I was treated with terrible words and actions by medical personnel.
I even think that the psychosomatic medicine doctor I went to until recently was doing a half-human experiment on me. There was no proper informed consent, and even the same amount of medicine was given for serious illnesses that had never been diagnosed or given.
My parents and doctors are the main responses to me around me, and what I feel from them is making me keenly aware of how annoying and unhappy my presence is.
My parents told me every now and then, “It's hard for me too, don't misunderstand that you're the hardest in the world.” From my point of view, there are many parts where I have suffered alone without being understood. On top of that, I hid all of my pain and loneliness at school and treated my mother with a smile in order to desperately want her to cheer up due to infertility treatment. My efforts may have been very lacking, but I have lived through suffering in my own way. Even after that, from my point of view, I was always in the role of listening to various complaints, and I secretly cried through painful things the whole time trying not to make my mother worry about such complaints. But my parents seem to think they've always been listening to my complaints, so they keep exchanging emails a secret from me. I've watched that content many times. This is because my mother is not familiar with cell phones and I am often asked to operate it. We were exchanging my complaints today as well.
I am fully aware that there is no value for my existence anymore, and I am also aware that it is natural that human rights are not guaranteed, which is equivalent to being treated as livestock after all. But why can't they die?