I'm thinking about suicide

I'm a 20 year old nursing student.
I've attempted suicide several times since I was in elementary school. I am surrounded by wonderful friends who are unfortunate to me, and I spend my time thinking that every day is definitely more enjoyable than before.
I have lived my life thinking that I would die until the coming-of-age ceremony after doing enough of what I wanted to do, but now for some reason I am surviving on a cunning basis.
Right now, it's the most fun, but every day I live impatiently driven by the thought that I have to die quickly.
Interacting with patients through practical training as a nurse, and living in a relationship with the elderly every day is wonderful,
I think people are precious, but I don't think so about my own life.
Maybe it's from the words “failed work,” “defective product,” and “it wasn't created,” which were thrown out by my mother a long time ago.
My mother forgot to say that and said, “If you commit suicide, you'll end up in hell. The Buddha will abandon you,” she says to me
Certainly, I think it's a failure; I'm a person who doesn't have anything.
Why did God create humans in this world who have nothing and can't create anything in this world?
I want to be quick, I don't want to go to hell and I don't know what to do.

4 Zen Responses

You're not a failure

I read it.
You're not a failure.
You were born strong as a person.
No one has failed in the life they have been given.
Also, life has been nourished by many people who have been given one by one.
No one decides how long it will last.
It is given by various circumstances, so please fulfill that life properly.
Each person has various characteristics and lives.
There are strengths and weaknesses, but they are useful to people and things, and now they exist while helping each other.
Also, if you commit suicide, you will go to hell, and you won't be abandoned by the Buddha.
That is an outrage and an insult. Please don't be misled by such misdeeds.
You may not be aware of it now, but you are living protected by many of your ancestors and things. And they're in the process of advancing the role they've been given.
Please take good care of your life and be helpful to those seeking help while helping each other with all of you.
And you're in the process of not growing up right now.
We sincerely ask that you spend a good, fulfilling, and rich day with everyone around you in the future, and that you will have healthy growth. And I sincerely pray to Shinto Buddha and your ancestors that you will grow through wonderful encounters in the future. Please look forward and walk steadily.

First, have a real discussion.

　Isn't there anyone who can listen to your suffering, such as your teacher, your boss, or the patient's grandmother?
If it's not there, please come write it again.

I've only read one more time, but I really don't think you're a failure. Aren't they just normal people?

It's about becoming aware of the true nature of what binds you.

Just as children who have been disciplined by violence try to solve problems by force, I think the influence they receive from parents is enormous.
However, why is Yuya, who has not committed antisocial affairs and is living well in society, has no value?
If they say they have no value because they can't create anything, quite a few people must disappear.

OK, please face yourself more closely and find your own value. Please be aware of the value of your life. It's fine to think that you've been deceived and exaggerate, so make a habit of affirming yourself.

People who realize the value of their own lives also notice the brilliance of other people's lives. The opposite is also true.

If your desire to die still doesn't go away, please come and talk to us.

I notice my own assumptions.

Yuya-sama
Hello. I took a look.

There was a feeling that I was satisfied now, and I was surprised by the text that I wanted to die even though every day was fun. It's not strange, but in general, I think people want to die when reality is hard and painful and there is no escape. If that's the case, does it mean that the thoughts that led to my attempted suicide when I was in elementary school have been around for a long time? I was caught by the phrase “I must die,” not “I want to die.”

It's a selfish guess, so I'm sorry if I'm wrong. Please correct it again.
There is a saying, “What bothers people is not the matter itself, but thoughts about the matter.” There is no right or wrong with rain falling. However, it is “good” for farmers who were in trouble because it didn't rain, and it was “bad” for people who were about to hold an athletic meet. What worries us is not the facts, but “how did we interpret it?”

It's a very rude way to say it, but I don't think my mom had enough time. You yourself lived in a state of anxiety and dissatisfaction. They probably hit Yuya when she was young. There's probably no point in messing with words. If it just so happened that you were there. What if Yuya, who cares about her mother, has taken it seriously...

I think it's important to think about what if my interpretation is wrong... If I had been struggling without permission due to my own yardstick...

If it was a failure, a defective product, and every day was fun, and I was blessed with friends and work, wouldn't it be better? It is also an assumption that defective products = evil or bad. Conversely, you're saving someone because it's a defective product. You're saving the hearts of those who want to help you. Conversely, if you work hard to live with defective products, happiness will come more and more.

If you think you're going to die, it's not that you don't think you shouldn't do it, you say, “I want to die! Please say aloud, “But OK, OK.” “I want to die! Try adding “well ok” and well ok.

You are saving so many people because you can't create anything in this world. Life is strange, isn't it? Everyone will die eventually, even if you don't hurry. What shall we do until then? It might be a good idea to think about it that way. I'm rooting for you.

Gassho

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