I want to know “myself.” A turning point in life?

I'm a 26 year old woman.
The trouble has continued for the past six months or so. Other things that had been going well until now, such as continuing illness among family members, getting into trouble continuously at work, and things that had gone well until now suddenly stopped going well. My mood is also depressed, and my self-harm habit, which had subsided recently, has appeared, I am sleepless, and I am living my life hiding my mental anxiety.

As a result of thorough consideration, there was a big problem with my current way of being and how I received it, and I thought the time had come to change that.

Until now, I have been deceiving myself and living a life of deceiving myself. My mental state was unsafe due to severe depression, and while I was living watching the faces of parents seeking to be “good children/older sisters,” I didn't understand what I liked or what I wanted to do. Even now, I only understand “seriousness and correctness,” and I rely on that to make decisions.
I've been sexually assaulted by my acquaintances since I was in elementary school. But I didn't like it, but I wanted someone to love me, so I couldn't tell anyone. There was no one who could say it. I still have indescribable feelings for men. like they want you to love you, like they're angry, like they want to try...
It seems that I'm a strange person, and I've also been harshly bullied. I couldn't say this to anyone either. Since then, I've started avoiding women. There aren't many people who approach me, but...

Things I've put a lid on myself, things I've given up on thinking, things I actually wanted to tell someone, etc., are swirling within me, and I feel that the limit has reached in suppressing them.
I'm tired of fooling myself and living with contradictions.
I want to accept my past and myself, change from a distorted way of thinking to a correct way of thinking, and live my “own” life even more.
I want to be able to have “my own thoughts.”
I want to love myself, others, and things, and I want to forgive them.

It has become a sentence where I don't understand what I want to say, but I want to do something about this messy self.
However, if you think about it, it's not as organized as you think about it, and it's likely to cause panic.
I would be happy if you could give me some advice.
Thank you for your support.

3 Zen Responses

I carve out my own life. Little by little, little by little, and steadily...

Hello, Hachi.

You had a painful experience in your heart's past, didn't you?
But now that they have the courage to hit it off with Hasunoha, there is always a happy path waiting for them.
I'm sorry when I was a kid, but I can't go through life on my own. You will always be influenced by adults you have relationships with, including parents. There are many people whose lives are unhappy when that adult is terrible.
But it's not just an unhappy life, and when you become an adult, you'll have the chance to start over on your own. Hachi has now realized that, and now she feels like taking on the challenge.

It's hard to sort out your own mind from the past, but it's a good idea to create your own way of life while learning the right way to live little by little. You can ask questions through Hasunoha as before, and if there is a monk close to you or someone you can respect, I think you should learn how to live about that person.

What is important is a strong feeling and ambition that you will be reborn. But when I saw this sentence, I thought Hachi-san was fine. You don't have to worry about it. I've lived for 26 years, so I should take 26 years to slowly fix things up. Me too.

Good luck! I'm rooting for you. Gassho

I know myself that I don't know myself

It's about knowing yourself that you weren't where you thought you were.
Knowing yourself means making it clear that “you don't understand yourself.”

Please read Kakugenshi Tange's answers here at Hasunoha. I highly recommend it.

Humans don't understand themselves. That's because our eyes are looking outward. I'm the only one in the world who can't see me. I also change depending on my partner. If you catch one of them and this is the real me, the others will be fake.

That's not true; my opponent is me. My partner is me.

Humans laugh, cry, and get angry depending on their relationships. It makes people cry and laugh, makes them happy, and even kills them.
It's really unstable and restless.

If you understand “seriousness and correctness,” you won't understand it because there is something you are holding onto. I don't understand because I rely on things that change depending on the relationship.
Serious people and unserious people don't change much. It's actually ridiculous that they replace each other depending on the relationship.
When an incident happens, everyone “can't believe that person would do such a thing”, right? Everyone doesn't understand.

If it's clear that I don't understand anything, I'll be all OK.

I gradually feel like people have “understood” life and me from the experiences they have lived. It also makes me feel like I've attained some kind of enlightenment.
We call it “belief.” What is the reality

“I don't think I understood everything, but it's still pretty much like this.”

That's my assumption. So when that wasn't the case

“It wasn't supposed to be like this.” “Why just me.” “Oh, I don't know anymore.”

It becomes.
If I make it clear, “I don't know, it will matter depending on the relationship,” no matter what happens

“I thought anything would happen, but was this kind of relationship this time around?”
“It seems fine for something worse to happen, but have you seen it at this level?”

It comes down to that.

When the same is clear not only for yourself, but also for your partner, a world is born where you can meet others beyond likes and dislikes.

I am everything and everything is me. Opponents are the same. I don't think I am anywhere. It made it clear to me what I didn't understand. That is “confidence.”

Now any kind of relationship is perfect!!

It's well-organized, isn't it?

worship

I'm a very strange person and I've been bullied since I was little.
I didn't study, couldn't do it, didn't go to high school, and I worked in a downtown area
I didn't have any friends who were about the same age,
I didn't even know about youth like youth
Every day was a feeling of wanting to take on challenges and actually did nothing and just drowned every day

Hachi-san? I broke up with this past at one point
Just like I and Yachi-san are doing now in order to completely break up
I need to come out to a lot of people
Instead of discussing your concerns
don't be afraid to just talk about facts that happened in the past

As you do that, there will probably be people who will move away
Let's say it would be nice if there was even one person who recognized me just the way I am

As you keep coming out, abominable events for yourself and the past
It changes to one's own strength

If it stays the way it is without trying to fake it
Let's learn to understand our own thoughts

Don't be afraid of losing
You're losing and gaining something at the same time

Gassho

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