How to deal with my real mother

uk46

Parents, especially mothers, nurture their children with all their presence. On the other hand, children probably don't think of their parents in the same way.

In Buddhism, there is the term “five sins against sin.” From a Buddhist perspective, these are five very serious sins, and “killing a father and mother” is among them.
Not only does it mean actually taking care of your parents, but it also includes neglecting your parents who have taken good care of you, and I think it's a path that no one can avoid.

I also have parents who are quite old, and since they are relatively close, I go see their faces about once a week. But is this possible if you have to do it every day or if you have to sacrifice your own work or family? Even if I were able to do it, I would say, “I'm busy! It's troublesome!” It's probably going to be spending time while “killing my mother.”

UK46's attitude towards her mother may be “mother-killing,” but she regrets it and reflects that she may have made a mistake. I think that feeling is important.
If you have that feeling, I think you'll be the kind person you can treat at the next opportunity.

I would like to introduce one poem by Misuzu Kaneko.

“Heart”
My mother is an adult and big, though.
My mother has a small heart.
Because my mother said,
They say it's full of little me.

I'm a small kid, but
My little heart is big.
Because she's a big mother
It's still not full
I think about a lot of things.

The important thing here is probably to say “take care (idiot)” of each other.
It means that they both lacked a sense of compassion for others.
If you respond with that in mind, I think it would be great.

Hello uk46.

People get irritated by accident. I'm depressed. I thought it would be fun. It's like the mind is changing like a kaleidoscope.

Call me every day (if it's my mom). I was detained even though I didn't have much to do. What is this hour. It's exhausting.

It's because I'm *** that I can't be kind to my parents, or something I could do with a little effort...
” I thought I'd give them a sense of tension and boredom in their lives and just listen to the story, and I regret being treated coldly, but I'm recovering from an illness and my body isn't going the way I want, so maybe I can't relax. I wonder if it was wrong...?” UK46 thinks in her heart, but...

My feelings have been conveyed enough to the monk who is here.
So, has it been passed on to your parents and your husband's parents? Did you just say that on the phone call?
If it wasn't difficult, why don't you try writing a letter?
It's easy to make phone calls. Even when I don't have a lot of errand, words come out of my mouth.
The same goes for letters. Even if you don't have a lot of errands, you can write it. However, the difference between a letter and a phone call is that “the text of the letter also speaks to the person writing the letter.”

Also, I'm not getting phone calls from my parents. Shall we set it up from here?
Of course, we don't talk on the phone for an hour or tens of minutes every day. If you keep on calling, why don't you at least call them with the feeling of confirming your safety?

After that, just like you write a letter, ask your parents to write a letter too. If you miswrite it, you'll send it as if you missed it.
There is no choice but to search for a fundamental solution... Shall we change the way we do it?
It might be good to just write “I'm sorry, Mom.”

uk46

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is a humble answer to the question.

I was also allowed to deal with “My Parents, Thank You,” even in the following question.

Question “My parents are too disloyal and painful”
http://hasunoha.jp/questions/142

Question “I'm taking care of my parents in a situation where I have no choice but to separate from my husband”
http://hasunoha.jp/questions/125

http://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/仏説父母恩重難報経

Of course, the “Parental Gratitude Sutra” is a sutra established in China, and the influence of Confucianism is strong, and the false sutra theory is dominant, but I know that the content is important when thinking about parents' kindness.

Probably, UK46's mother will always be worried because her “daughter” will always be her own child, and in particular, UK46 is also undergoing medical treatment for her illness.

I also think the mother would like to listen to her voice and confirm that she is doing well. While being told that it's okay, don't worry, I'm doing well, it's still a little tough every day, and if you want them to reduce the frequency a little more, for example, every phone call also charges a phone bill (it doesn't matter if family calls are free...), so if your mother has a cell phone or computer, you can exchange messages and emails, or if you have a fax, maybe it's okay to exchange faxes I know. I also think that would be more comfortable and flexible with each other in terms of time and convenience than a phone call. Of course, it may still be difficult if your mother is elderly and not good at machines such as cell phones or computers...

However, I also know that you can take this opportunity to feel the kindness you have received from your mother up until now, even from your parent's ten blessings in the “Parent's Thanks”, and I also hope that you can feel even a little relaxed and have room to accept them. By all means, I would be happy if you read the details of the Ten Graces of Parents on the following page.

http://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/仏説父母恩重難報経

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

When similar things continue, it's easy to think “again, again,” but strictly speaking, nothing is the same in this world.
Even if the exact same yakitori is grilled, the parts, cuts, skewers, stabbings, and degrees of cooking are different if the chicken is different.
If you separate them with sauce and salt, the taste will also be different.
The analogy was Yakitori and inappropriate, but anything is different.
Please have a strong awareness that even if the same thing continues hundreds of times, it is something new every time. You'll definitely find a new encounter every time one day.
The law of this world is that even if it's the same scenery you see every day, you and the world are changing and maturing little by little. If you have the same item, I will buy it at a high price, so please bring it with you.

I think the following is an ascetic practice for enlightenment, and please work hard every day.
That means never having a “meet again.”
“Again” is a way of not seeing the truth correctly.
It's an evil view of looking at the world by recalling the same experiences in the past through a filter called thought, looking at things from the past in the wrong way, looking at things from the past.
This is the first time in everyone's life that they meet right in front of their eyes.

Meeting someone new means being in touch without going through the filter of “see you again” or “something like this happened in the past.”

One person who participated in the zazen session solved the problem as follows.
In the early days, I suffered from my parents' dementia and was lamented for “just saying the same things.”
After that, even if the parents repeated the same thing and the feeling of “once again” occurred, it seems that they treated it with the habit of immediately telling themselves “this is new” and “different from the one just now” and keeping in mind the habit of stopping “again.” Then, from a certain point on, I was able to treat them without bringing in the thought “see you again.”
“Until now, every time my mother said the same thing, I was very angry, but I now know that what apparently made it 'the same thing' was a wrong way of looking at things through my thoughts and thoughts. Since then, I have clearly understood the fact that nothing is the same in the world but as an experience, and my life has changed to something brilliant every day” (^.^).

No matter how many times the same thing is repeated, not having a way of looking at things “again” is an important ascetic practice to learn how to “meet someone new.”