It's painful

I had insomnia and panic disorder about 7 years ago, became depressed, my self-operated store went bankrupt, got divorced, and received life insurance for 2 years.
However, I spent a year interacting with the people I met, and left Kyoto, where I was raised, and moved to Kanto. However, even though I don't want to remember it, I didn't like it, my illness became severe, and I went to my parents' house. I only have a survivor's pension of 70,000, so I can't get into the bath easily, there is no electricity, air conditioning, or heating, the agreement was originally bad, you were taunted about 100 times for the stinky smell, your internal organs are rotten, you smell rotten fish, and you say that you can't say it to others, but now you speak ill of me on the phone to everyone, and my personal belongings are full of personal belongings
There was a mountain, but it was abandoned in the form of an ogre,
Throw away the few personal items left over without permission, and a wallet
Money was also withdrawn from, and even if you ask questions, that's what
If you haven't seen it, you're fooled even though there are only 2 people,
onetime
I hanged myself and failed, and if I didn't break my belt, I died
I think it was there, too painful,
There is a dog I just brought back, so it's emotionally unstable, but it's stuck. But I don't know what to do.

4 Zen Responses

The past is past and no more, the future has not come yet

Even if you have delusions about the past or future, there will be nothing good about them because they are only stressful feelings of anger and sadness.
So, let's stop being delusional (thinking round and round about the past and future).
If you notice a delusion, confirm in your mind that “this is a delusion,” and start thinking and doing different things.
For example, repeat the nembutsu of “Namu Amida Buddha (Namu Amida Butsu)”
(Namu Ami Dabu Namu Ami Dabu Namu Ami Dabu)
Please try chanting it with your mouth at a constant rhythm.
Please sing with the feeling in your heart that I will entrust everything to the Buddha.
Sit down with your back straight, close your eyes, or look at the Buddha statue on the Buddhist altar, and just say “namu ami dabu namu amidabu” for about 1 to 3 minutes.
Since it is also a rhythm exercise for the brain, it can be expected to adjust the function of serotonin nerves and calm the mind.
Think of Nembutsu as a white path leading to the Pure Land of Paradise (the world of enlightenment). You are a traveler on the white road.
There are violent rivers on the left and right sides of the road on the white road, and intense waves of desire, anger, and delusional distractions come from the river, and they attack you as you go down the road.
You fall off the road and into the river, being swallowed up by the waves.
However, if you sing Namu Amida Buddha, you can instantaneously move back onto the white path. (mind reset)
If you have delusional thoughts about the past or future, put an end to your delusions in as short a time as possible and reset your mind with Namu Amida Buddha.

Please take a close look for yourself, not the world of thought

When I'm listening to the story, I can see that they have been cornered quite a bit, and it's a difficult situation.

What caused depression and panic disorder in the first place? I want to face that and change the situation. If being at your parents' house is a problem, I think you should think about coming out.

I think it would be nice if you could learn how to live a life away from such things, such as having to do this, having to do this, or because your partner is bad, or because you are bad yourself.

Start afresh instead of changing

I think I'm going to change who I am now, so I think that no one will understand even though I'm making an effort.

Don't hold on to your old self by thinking “those days” or “if I didn't even have that.”

That moment is nowhere right now.
No one person has a “past” without exception, yet no one person is living in the “present” without exception.

When I try to change myself, I compare my past and present to a greater or lesser extent.

Don't try to change, feel like starting anew.
Even if I look back on the past, it's not there anymore.
Whether you feel nostalgic, resentful, or sorry, it's already only within you.

It seems like saying something childish, and you may be offended, but please forgive me.

I wake up at the same time every day. Brush your teeth every day. Take a bath every day. I clean every day.
Even from such simple things, continuing to make new decisions for yourself will gradually make you different from what you are now.

Everyone must have started there.

It's important not “let's change,” but “let's get started.”

Dad, Mom, I'm sorry, thank you

Relationships with humans and parents influence our lives.

Your parents are fierce people, aren't they? I think it was difficult.
But sadly, you can't change a parent's personality.
Even if I want them to be kind now, things don't turn out the way I want them to.
If you want to improve your relationship with your parents, in the case of the questioner, you can change just one thing.
It doesn't matter what your parents think.
It doesn't matter how much people hate you. It's OK to be taunted.
You alone can hate your parents 99,999 out of a million, so please love just one thing. “Thank you for giving birth to me.”
That's because it's okay to hate everything else. Just one thing.
Please forgive them.
The way you think about your parents makes a positive flower bloom within you for your parents.
I have people who hate me. Some people think it's stupid.
However, I have a feeling that I am grateful.
Thank you so much for making me notice so many things about my stupid self.
Right now, please try to have a positive point of view, a perspective of love, a point of appreciation, and a feeling that affirms the imperfections of yourself and your partner.
From that moment on, the scenery changes little by little.
Actually, having that feeling is a Buddha flower that brightens up all the evil, painful past, and future lives.
The flower is getting bigger little by little. Please grow it within you.
I'll say the important thing again.
It doesn't matter what your opponent thinks.
you! It's about having the feeling of forgiving the other person just a little bit.
Please remember this during difficult times.

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