Every day of regret
I'm sorry for all the writing.
Every day, I am tormented by regret, loss, and grief.
I've been asked to write it many times in my previous question, but I lost my mother in October last year, and although I'm at that age, I just thought there was still a long way to go. My father passed away ten years ago, and my mother soon fell down due to a stroke. Fortunately, there were no physical disabilities, so I took them in.
After that, we lived together, and one night, my head hurt, so I was taken to the hospital by ambulance, and since I was hospitalized for a while, I went back home to get ready to be hospitalized tomorrow. I tapped her lightly on the shoulder, saying she would come back tomorrow, but my mother was looking at me but she didn't reply. Thinking about it now, I think I was in a state where I couldn't say anything anymore. I still can't forget the expression on that day.
The next morning, I got a phone call from the hospital asking them to come because their condition had changed. When I went there, I wasn't conscious anymore, and I was connected to a monitor or tube that measures blood pressure and pulse, and I was being given an infusion.
Life-prolonging treatment was confirmed, and they refused rather than suffer for a long time. Since then, my high fever continued, and I seemed to be suffering from time to time. I couldn't even eat, I poured it into my stomach with a tube, and occasionally vomited. A week later, I stopped breathing while I was on my way home to laundry, and I couldn't do it even when I died.
After that, I also took a long leave of absence due to illness and stayed at home, but the winter was so cold, the summer was this hot, the steps were full of steps, and they did housework in a harsh environment, in a room, and went to the hospital alone, and passed away without being taken care of by my family.
Moreover, they refused life-prolonging treatment, let them die, and killed them.
Finally, I couldn't say thank you or sorry. Every day is a feeling of sadness, loss, and regret. It is often said by doctors and acquaintances that the mother is not happy about such things, or that if she is sad, the deceased will not come to mind. I know it in my head.
I also feel guilty about eating even once a day.
I was taught here, and I work twice every day, during the day and in the evening. After I passed away, everything was too late, and I wanted to die a few times, but I have no courage, no energy, and I feel pitifully frustrated that I am still alive. To be honest, there were times when I thought I wouldn't have my mother, but now I feel so pathetic.
I don't even know what the question is; maybe I just wanted a place where I could express my feelings.
In particular, your answers are fine. I'm sorry, I've been very sorry for so long.