Please give me some advice on my grandmother's bones.

Hello, HTK.

She said she was worried about her grandmother's bones.

I understand the feelings of a father who was offended by the trouble he had when he was a grandfather.
However, my relatives' uncles said they wanted to have their ashes properly buried and prayed.

If that's the case, why don't you change the temple even more?
I think it would be nice if you could visit a temple close to your home where it is easy to pray, and change it to a temple that suits your own ideas.

You may notice that when you leave the current temple and rebury the graveyard, you will have to discuss it with the current temple again, but now you will be able to properly pray for the bones of your ancestors, and I think that's fine.

It's not that unusual for a temple to be changed.
Our temple is in Tokyo, but people come from rural areas and move to our house.
Those who take their graves to the land they were transferred to.
There are a lot of people.

If I were to go out with a temple I don't like, I think I'd be satisfied and move in search of a temple where I can properly pray.
If the denominations are the same, I think it's OK for the sutras to have the same atmosphere.
(If it's too close to the original temple, it may be troublesome because the monks know each other.)

I hope you find it helpful.

HTK

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is a humble answer to the question.

In an age where individual intentions are respected in everything, of course, there is also “freedom of religion,” which is guaranteed by the Constitution, and individuals are free no matter what kind of faith they have or do not have, and of course they are not allowed to be forced, and individual thoughts and conscience (beliefs) must be respected. (Of course, if it clearly becomes an antisocial destructive cult, there is a possibility that the problem could be something else...)

Therefore, basically, freedom to convert or change family temples is guaranteed.

The current parishioner system began with the temple petition system in the Edo period, but it is clear that in modern society, the system is substantially heading towards collapse. Until now, temples have been protected only by the parishioners system, and maintenance and operation have been carried out by collecting alms and donations, it is inevitable that they will be forced to operate more and more strictly in the future. In particular, even when viewed from current social norms, temples and monks who are still demanding too expensive alms and whose attitudes are arrogant, arrogant, arrogant, arrogant, and high-flying are likely to be further eliminated from now on...

Of course, in families and relatives, there are people who have conservative ways of thinking that emphasizes conventions, customs, traditions, and practices, so if you easily ignore their opinions and objections or forcibly proceed, it could develop into unnecessary disputes and disputes, so I know that it is necessary to give due consideration.

I know that discussions with family and relatives are inevitable in order to resolve the issue as peacefully as possible. As Shakuri Kaoru said, if it were absolutely impossible for a family temple today (since it's 20 years ago, the temple's policy may have changed quite a bit due to replacement etc...), replace the family temple with a temple with the same purpose, rebury the tomb, and bury the grandmother along with her ancestors in a permanent memorial tomb or permanent ossuary at the new family temple, and if there are direct heirs, then relocate the current tomb as it is, or build a new tomb into a new tomb I know there are several methods, such as being reburied in a cemetery regardless of the religious denomination, starting a reasonable relationship with a new family temple and having them hold a memorial service, so I think it would be nice if discussions could proceed.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

Hello, HTK.
A story about the relationship between the family and the temple. Thank you for taking the time to listen to it.

I'm asking what to do in the future...
What would you like to do? What seems best would be to have them sleep in the tomb of the current temple.
However, if you ask how your father is doing, it may be difficult “right away.”

My relatives say a lot of things. That's what it is. It's something I'm thankful for, and it's selfish. That's why I just say what I want to say or want to say through my own thoughts...
My father has put his thoughts right through. It might be too stubborn, though.

As a temple body, it was a pity when HTK was his grandfather.
Okay, grandma. Even if you respect your intentions, you have to put it down somewhere someday. You're not going to be arrested, but it's better to stop them.
My home is a temporary evacuation site.
If you don't have a grave, you leave it at home until you find one. The current state of affairs is normal.

The difference, however, is that the monk didn't take care of it.
Other than your family, someone else prays for your family. That's what a monk is.

I'm in a position to get married, but it's my daughter.
My daughter and her relatives are different. Let's search for a path where we can respect both our grandmother's intentions and our father's intentions.
Even if I'm looking for a way forward, I already have a goal. Ask them to listen to the goal of “someday I'll stay somewhere,” and it's okay to stay at home for a while. Also, the family temple case (see other answers).

Mr. HTK

My grandmother passed away, and if it were true, I'd like to ask for a wake and funeral at the family temple, the 49th, and the first anniversary with peace of mind, but I don't trust the temple, so I can't do that. As a result, opinions clash with relatives...

Temples, which are supposed to give peace of mind, are a source of worry. I'm not directly involved, but I feel like I want to apologize m (_ _) m

What you can think of when burying an bone at a family temple is that since the funeral is not held at the family temple, you are first required to give a memorial service equivalent to the funeral. Furthermore, there is also a possibility that you will be asked to give alms for the kaimyo, 49 days, and ossuary.

Of course, it's possible to change the family temple, but unless you're moving far away, it's going to be awkward. In particular, when it comes to nearby temples of the same denomination, it may cause trouble for the temples that receive them.
Also, a memorial service such as a separation fee (fee?) There is a possibility that they will request it. This can be overturned if no such agreement has been made when seeking a graveyard.
Furthermore, construction costs for returning the graveyard up until now to vacant land may only be added here and there. This must be countered by having an estimate clearly presented, etc.

If you have successfully left the church, there is also a way to ask for a grave at a public cemetery or general cemetery and ask only for a memorial service from a convenient monk. In this case, there is also a possibility that a well-identified monk will not be able to come. If you ask a proper monk, you may need to consider things such as holding a memorial service on weekdays.

Finally, it seems that going back to the story, relationships with temples are not limited to my generation.
Even if the chief priest of the family temple is unreliable, the next generation may be a very good monk.
It was changed to another temple, and the opposite pattern is also conceivable.

Please discuss it carefully, including your family and relatives.

If this were to happen, I would also consider a relationship with the temple.
It's pathetic to think that this is religion, this is faith.
But this is the reality.
I understand your desire to hold a memorial service for them,
You must also respect your father's feelings.
How about discussing the future with your family?
And please share your opinion with your relatives.

Since 20 years ago, every time there has been an incident... There are cases where policies, offerings, etc. are arranged in that region rather than those involved in the temple, so I can't say anything in terms of money. It would be a shame if your attitude was arrogant and uncomfortable during your relationship.

My relatives have probably continued to be in a relationship from generation to generation, so it must have been painful for my grandmother to be secretly buried without going through a temple.

I think the best relationship with a temple is where people feel a connection with the Buddha while being close to joy and sorrow, inherit the nenbutsu, and protect them together. It's a great relationship, and it's important, so I'd like you to find a temple (of the same sect if possible) that your family can discuss with your family and have a new understanding and acceptance. Why don't you talk about your grandmother's ossuary and her future employment there? Even if the ossuary is in a different location, our ancestors are not in the dirt; they are all in the same Pure Land. Also, I hope you are satisfied and safe, and your ashes will be buried ('`*)

At various places, I hear about cases similar to the one you wrote, but first I recommend that you discard the way you think about leaving the stage.

I would like you to consider leaving the stage as a last resort.
This is because the temple will perform the necessary procedures to leave the stage, and an offering will occur in response to it, and it is thought that it will cause even more disgusting feelings...
What are the various procedures...
1. Request the preparation of a kind of identification document (also necessary to avoid conflicts between the temple you will take care of next and the temple you have taken care of before) saying that we are now free.
2. Since the bones will be moved, the temple that stored the bones will prepare an remains storage (storage) certificate, and since it is mandatory to submit it to the local government or administrative agency that stores the bones, we request that it be prepared.

As written by the various teachers, one must think about the relationship with the temple up until now and then.
Furthermore, there is no guarantee that the temple will take care of you next just because you have left the stage.
Therefore, I strongly recommend that you first have a thorough discussion, including your family and relatives, and then talk carefully with the temple again.

I know it's painful to be in a situation where you can't even slowly immerse yourself in grief even though your precious grandmother has passed away. I think the root of this problem is that HTK's feelings and his father's thoughts are different. So, what HTK should do is probably how much you can listen to your father's true intentions.

Even if they get married, the father-daughter relationship won't end for the rest of their lives. I'm sure there are a lot of things your father is unwilling to do. You've lost your precious mother, and you're probably feeling down. Please listen to lots of stories.
Wouldn't this be another story about how temples are?

*All temples are composed of the chief priest, who is the representative officer, and several responsible officers. No matter how good the chief priest is, if another responsible officer (the president often does it) says “he's fired,” the chief priest will be dismissed. It was the same time that the president was dismissed at the company's board of directors.

The chief priest who was riding a luxury foreign car, which was a hot topic on TV a year ago, was also fired, right? There is also a chief priest in the city next to me who was fired because of that. I think there's a reason why the chief priest of that temple doesn't become like that. I imagine there was something wrong with pressing the button with my father.

Of course, if it's a really bad chief priest, you should appeal directly to the responsible officer and dismiss him.

　This is my idea, please refer to it.
① If your father wants to keep your grandmother's bones close to him while he's still alive, you should agree with that opinion and don't listen to what your relatives say. When all relatives get together during Obon and New Year, I think we should put our hands together in front of my grandmother's bones and pray. You're the only one on our side. Family members are the only ones who can take care of my grandmother's spirit. You can't count on distant relatives. Let's save some money little by little.
② Let's walk away from the current family temple. You should probably be prepared for a trial. You should probably do it together with a lawyer who specializes in that. There are various charges, but let's ask them to return the bones of our ancestors.
③ Let's bury the bones in a temple at the head temple of a certain sect. There are also head temples regardless of denomination, so please call once and check online.
④ If your father says sorry, you should act as the mourner of the funeral and perform the funeral that your father wants. After that, all you have to do is go to the head temple where you saved your bones to pray. If it's Motoyama, your relatives will be convinced even though they don't like it. Just be prepared for a lot of things.

My real intention is the conversion of the chief priest of the family temple. I don't think it was just 1 or 2 parishioners who did such a thing. I think it would be a good idea to recruit as many friends as possible. Threats are no good, but you should say and discuss your financial struggles over and over again.
I also requested a funeral home, but I also paid 60,000 yen for offerings from the Makura Sutra until the first 7th day. The cleaning fee for clothes and jackets is over 150,000. Transportation expenses (gasoline, highway fees) daily life, maintenance and cleaning of buildings called temples. I think it's tough even if you think about things like that. I rarely have a temple attendant (job), so I do a side job. “It's a charity, so it's okay for the temple to be poor.” I also had a hard time when I was told by the wealthy chief priest of the temple. I live on a last-minute basis, just like a microenterprise. There is no unemployment insurance. Please understand that.
Therefore, I want the chief priest of the family temple to think carefully about why he made such a statement, analyze it, and make a so-called assessment. I just want you not to blindly think “the whole profit was made.”
It was the opinion of an immature monk.

The general reality is that a “family temple” is simply a temple with the tomb of one's own home, a temple where one prays to the graves of one's ancestors, and a temple where sutras are given, but in reality, it is a temple where there is an Osho who is a reliable attending physician who is directly involved with the chief priest, can discuss anything, and provides spiritual support.
This kind of temple is an important point to keep in mind when choosing a temple.
Recently, the number of parishioners among temples has increased too much, and there are probably temples that are clerical, like government office work. I'm sure your father doesn't like that kind of place either.
Please work with your father and choose a temple that your father will be satisfied with and that will respond with blood.

Due to recent bad trends, there are easy people who say “I don't want to spend money, so go to cemeteries,” but please note that since cemeteries are a business no matter how far you go, there are places that eventually incur more than temples due to management fees, renewal fees, etc.
It's not that cemeteries are bad, but if you simply leave a cemetery with a sense of Buddhism or religion to properly make offerings for your ancestors and ancestors, improve your own spirit, seek enlightenment, spread the Buddha's wisdom and compassion within the family, and pass on such a bloody Japanese heart and humanity to your descendants, then it must be said that there is a lack of religion = you are moving away from people with blood.
As a person who likes observing people, it's not that I have taken proper data, but I feel that there are usually many people who run away from that kind of thing because they don't like spending money, and people in their families who have a strong sense of humankind, put themselves first, and are ego-egos that only assert themselves.
There are also people who pretend to be non-religious or super-religious, but if they spend their whole lives with a strong ego and a human nature where they cannot coexist with others, it must be said that they are less than Buddhists.
In modern times, individualism is escalating to efficient pragmatism and utilitarianism.
It seems that the words individualism and smart can also be clarified, but I think many people with a dry side and cold have created a lot of people.
Conclusion: Unlike cemeteries, temples have one obligation for the chief priest to provide spiritual support to parishioners and believers, so I recommend that you use a temple with a bloody chief priest as the family temple at a reasonable price.

To HTK

To be honest, I often hear cases like this.
It hurts my heart every time, and I apologize to that person.
But not only people like that, but the monks who answered on this site in particular
They are wonderful people. I hope you don't spoil the image.

In conclusion
I think changing the temple is one thing.
Dad's feelings are natural.
However, the people who are most worried and saddened are probably my ancestors who are in graves, starting with my grandmother who passed away.

Why don't you consider it and ask your father to make a suggestion?