A way to sort out your feelings for someone you bullied.

When I was in high school, I was bullied by several classmates in the same class and members of the same club activities.
Specifically, I was ignored and made to talk about my bad points to the boys around me.
In particular, the bullying from D-ko, a member of the club activity, was terrible. They frequently spoke ill of me on SNS, cursed me, and were ignored, and it was very painful.
Once, I talked to a senior in club activity about D-ko, and despite that senior being careful, the bullying continued.
Fortunately, my aunt and friends helped and gave me advice, so I didn't end up taking a break from school.
I also thought there was a cause for being bullied in my own way, and I was smiling every day, even when it was hard.

When the bullying escalated, a senior in the club activity talked to the teacher, and an emergency place was set up for discussions, etc., and for the time being, the bullying went away.
However, members of the club activity said, “I'm sorry for making you feel bad. But before I told my seniors, I wanted them to say it directly.” It was also said behind the scenes, “It wasn't that there were actually any points I didn't like in club activities; there was bullying in class, so I bullied them in club activities as well.” I heard you say that. Also, “D child was complaining.” I also heard that, and I thought that these people didn't really reflect on their bullying.
Sure enough, D child started bullying another classmate.

I haven't been able to forgive people who bullied me (especially child D) until this point.
But one day, I began to think that ① if you have feelings of hate towards the person you bullied you, your own expression becomes scary ② it would be a waste of time to think about such people, and I began to think about forgiving them.
Also, having experienced bullying, I began to feel strongly about things such as trying to be kind to people, and having bullied myself, that I'm not going to do this anymore, that I'm trying to cherish people who help me, and that I'm going to use this experience as a springboard to grow.
However, once in a while, when I look at the SNS of the person who bullied me and see the happy appearance of the person who bullied me, I feel very mixed. It's frustrating that even though I thought I'd forgive, I still have mixed feelings.
How can I completely forgive someone who has harshly bullied me?
Also, how can I calm my feelings down when I have mixed feelings again?

4 Zen Responses

If you pass away in the Pure Land of Paradise, I can forgive you

According to the sutras, it seems that residents of the Pure Land of Paradise have no sense of separation between themselves and others.
As an image, what if D-child is not someone else, but a part of your body (right hand, for example)?
Even if you hit yourself in the face with your right hand when you were a student and it hurt, you wouldn't drag a grudge against your right hand.
If you don't have a sense of distinguishing yourself from others like that, you shouldn't have a grudge against others or be jealous of others.

My answer isn't to ask you to do that right now.
If you die in the future and pass away in the Pure Land of Paradise, that will happen to you too.
So, after only a few decades of life, you don't have to be able to get rid of petty grudges, right?
However, you don't have to erase it, but if you remember it, it will be unpleasant, so try to remember less often and also shorten the time you remember.
You don't have to bother looking at SNS.
After that, let's be happier than Do-ko.
It would be nice if you were so happy that even a tiny bug bites you and that you are not in sight.
So, imagine that if you say Namu Amida Buddha and Nembutsu, you can pass away in the Pure Land of Paradise in the future and say “namu ami dabu namu amidabu namu amidabu namu amidabu
Namu Ami Dabu Namu Ami Dabu Namu Ami Dabu Namu Ami Dabu
Namuamidabutsu, namuamidabu.”
You can speak in a low voice, so please sing it with your mouth.
Say (say) 4 times 4 times 2 times a total of 10 times
It's called Jūken.

Don't stop there, just let it be

I think bullying is something that should never happen. However, in reality, people may bully people when cornered. If you've bullied yourself, I think you know, but I feel that children on the bullying side often have problems from something. (In particular, worries that cannot be told to others at home, etc.)

I think they try to vent those feelings of frustration by giving themselves an advantage in the form of bullying. I think there are times when the person who bullied you at that time is unaware of those feelings, but there are also things you can understand later.

You are having unforgivable feelings right now, and I think that just becomes an emotion on the bully's side.
First, don't check SNS. Even if you look at it, that person from the past doesn't exist anymore, so let's leave it as it is.

Even if you don't forgive them, leave it as is. You can't speak ill of it.

Foolish people don't notice their foolishness

Rather than forgiving that person, it's a good idea to have a heart of mercy in order to be able to leave them alone and not get involved.
It's about thinking, “Oh, humans are always imperfect and developing.”
Truth is, in fact, I, you, and that person are probably still developing.
No matter how long she goes, she won't be able to be honest with you or anyone else. You still can't forgive that person either. I also have a large number of responses, but I don't have the power to really save the other person's emotional suffering.
I hope people are at least decent, honest, and nice people.
But what does it mean when she bullies someone, starting with you?
She wanted to have an advantage, she herself was unhappy, she grew up being oppressed by her parents, and she had a bad personality where she tried to stay in a good place until she kicked people down, and there was a lot of suffering that made her do so.
I'm saying this in a good sense, but humans are really stupid.
I'm a fool too.
It's good to be able to affirm foolishness.
It's not about opening up again; it affirms our imperfection and immaturity as human beings.
In fact, even people in great positions won't stop foolish wars and environmental destruction.
That's because I don't realize I'm stupid.
Only when you can notice, acknowledge, and affirm that foolishness will both you and your girlfriend be able to have true kindness.
I can't forgive her, in a good sense, and think that I'm still small.
Even if she bullies people and doesn't look back, think she's still stupid, and please watch it with pity. Far, far away, I think we can be aware that humans are friends who are trying to grow their own foolishness.

You can keep hating Do-san.

I think “I hate D-ko” is fine.
I think the reason I'm not convinced of that is because “I'm a kind person and I don't hate people.”

People aren't that good.
Everyone hates people, envies people, and lives life jealous of people.
However, people who can't acknowledge themselves like that are troubled.
“I'm not that kind of person. He is a kind person who has a cleaner heart and can love others.” I can't sort out my feelings because I try to make assumptions.

I live my life thinking, “Damn, I am like this.”
Knowing that Do-san is an unforgivable person, I think it would be a good idea to just let go of it.

In the Jodo Shinshu sect, people are called ordinary people.
They are very foolish, unwise, and irreplaceable.
Kiko and I are both ordinary people.

← all dialogues ← previous next →