I want to abandon myself

Hello, Akatsuchi-san.

I also read the previous consultation. You're bothered by a sense of emptiness, aren't you?
The first way to escape Buddha's suffering was to first recognize the world as a world of suffering. There is almost no “eternal peace, tranquility, and stagnation” or “peace of mind in a safe place” in the world. Japan is a blessed place of safety and security. Many countries are in a world where living itself is difficult, and you can't even eat every day. Among them, many people in a world of material happiness feel the pain of life and idealize death, and people who live with the thought of dying are fighting for their lives to survive even a little bit.

When humans are filled with matter, their ability to live weakens. Therefore, in the 70s during the period of rapid growth, many young people who had doubts about being filled with materials went to India, where there is also a primitive lifestyle. There are many young people who have seen people suffering right in front of them amidst discrimination, have found their own strength to live, and have come back to Japan to change their minds.

If you think you don't fit in with Japanese society, why don't you go to the slums of the Buddha's hometown India and volunteer, just like your grandfather's generation? There is a shortage of manpower, so if you volunteer, I think they can help you right away.. To know death, you have to touch a dead body. So I think it's also a good idea to look at lives you can't live even if you want to live before you.

Don't give in to emptiness. Gassho

You seem to have noticed a wonderful place. I judge my own self, this is frustrating, likes and dislikes, profit and loss, right and wrong, etc. It makes people suffer.
Buddha also attained enlightenment by looking at the six roots (eye, ear, nose, tongue, body) rather than this kind of ego. The function of the body doesn't say profit or loss, likes and dislikes at all. We are living in the present as a matter of course without dragging on the past. Don't worry about the future.

The illusion of unreal feelings lives in reality without dealing with them. There is a function that allows you to think about “meaning.” It goes away if you don't hold it and leave it alone, and don't touch it. Let's just leave it that way.
There are a lot of words like don't touch, let go, but they don't do anything.

Zen tells us that.
I would like you to learn.
If you practice Buddhism, you will definitely get better^_^

It may be something that many people feel is potentially.
“I want to abandon myself”
Even if you are a decent social fit, there is no guarantee of a safe place or a place where you can feel safe. Not everyone is enjoying that state of affairs from the bottom of their heart either.

Rather, you have to do a decent and excellent job. “We're taking on a bigger challenge!” That only strengthens your thoughts and preparedness, so it's no wonder that when you see so-called “weak people” who are said to be sweet to you, you feel disdainful or angry.

“I just want to feel safe in a safe place. But now that I've been born, that's impossible.”
Many people are suffering just like you. While shouldering preparedness and responsibility.
I don't know if I'm dealing with that suffering as much as you.

Why don't you leave a mark just for yourself?
I tried making things and taking pictures. I went on a tour somewhere by bicycle. This is also a splendid “trace.” I'd like to take a look at it.
It seems that no matter how busy people are, they take care of it. It erases traces. People around me say, “What do you become by doing that.” It doesn't matter if you say it or not.

I wonder what “I” is. There is a word “selflessness” in Buddhism. Originally, “all laws are free.”
I think the so-called “I” refers to that “trace.”
There is “nothing” anywhere right now. Ayumi is the only one there. In that sense, it's “selfless.” Make accessories, play musical instruments, read books, and write reviews. Doing cleaning, etc. At that time, all you have to do is “do.” If you look back, what you've done will be a proper trace, right?

Anything you've thought you'd try. Even little by little. When you feel happy about that “trace,” that “trace” is you.

If I were you, I'd like to acknowledge those traces.