I want to die

I want to die.
I don't understand it anymore.

Saying I don't understand is a story about stopping thinking, so I have to do something myself, but I can't do it anymore. I'm very sorry for the inconvenience.

It's no good to throw away all comics, DVDs, etc., stop playing games at all, stop Twitter and even put access restrictions on them, or turn off the line and lose contact with all of your friends.

I have to study the whole time I'm awake. If you don't do that, it's trash. It's a pig. It's not human.

Despite all my ingenuity, I haven't been able to study for a long time. 11 or 12 hours at most.

The teacher says that someone is not human. It seems that he is a person with a low score. I'm sure my teacher is deliberately misleading my score. There is no doubt that the real score will be told someday and they will be told never to come back.

I don't have anything.
I'm not qualified to speak because I don't have anything.
It seems like I was an idiot who misunderstood and thought that there were good points in the past.
I can't speak for fear that if I open my mouth, I might exaggerate myself.

Nobody wants me.
It's annoying just being there.
At the bottom of their hearts, I think everyone who talks to me thinks I'm the most stupid in the world, smart, and uninteresting.

It's scary just to have people sitting next to me in the study room.
I'm sorry I'm next to you.
Incidentally, I think people think it's stupid here too.

I can't watch TV because I'm afraid to stop thinking.

Even when I'm talking to my parents, it's not a conversation.
My parents say they used to be cheerful.
I can't see anything about me.

I don't have my own room, and there's no privacy.
So there's no “me.”
I feel like I'm being watched all the time.
I don't want to hear my parents fight either.
I also don't want to watch my parents watching TV all the time.
I did my best to keep my parents from getting angry, and I couldn't say anything I wanted to say.
It's a story about saying it after becoming independent.

I'm trash that shouldn't be alive.
A human being can't do it.
It's not worth anything.
Sorry to all the babies around the world.
Even if I eat a lot because I think it's at least just my appearance, I will gain weight if I increase my study time. I don't want to be a pig.

I don't have the confidence to go ahead anymore.
I'm just thinking about where I'm going to jump tomorrow.
It's painful.

Please help.

I'm sorry for just thinking about myself.

4 Zen Responses

because it would be nice if they got away here.

No one here is looking at you that way.
No one here blames you or makes a fool of you.
I want you to feel safe.

However, the place where you live is very uncomfortable.
I wish I could get away.
I think the only way to escape is to die, so it's painful, isn't it?
Actually, you want to be recognized.

Even so, my parents get mad at me too.
I wonder if my teacher is making a fool of me.
Nobody around me is helping me, is there?
There's no one who understands you, right?

No matter where you are, there's nowhere to go.
That's sad.
You don't have to go to school.
It's okay if you spend days staying in your room.

Anyway, make sure you have a safe place for yourself.
This, Hasunoha, is like that too.
because it would be nice if they got away here.
You can write about your painful feelings here.
That's because the monk here will listen properly.
It's fine.

Are you feeling a little panicked?
Please take a slow, deep breath and calm down.
Most of what is written is your assumption, isn't it?
I think watching TV is stupid.
I assume I'll have to study for 11 to 12 hours.
I'm under the impression that I have to lose weight.
The teacher is adding test scores.
I'm assuming that the person next to the study room thinks they're stupid.
I think my parents are watching me.
I think I'm rubbish.
Aren't you just making assumptions in your head that aren't real?
First, let's discard these assumptions that you created yourself or were born as a result of something.
You can watch TV, study in 2 to 4 hours if you concentrate, your body is good without getting fat or losing weight, your teacher doesn't add points, people around you don't think you're stupid, you're not trash, and pigs are cute.

You're an important person, aren't you?

I read it. I read that you are so driven right now, that you are mentally and physically tired, and that you are in great pain because you have become emotional. I sincerely apologize for your suffering.
You're definitely not trash.
Right now, you're probably being blamed by people around you, and you're blaming yourself.
You have been blessed with many relationships, received life as an important person, and you are growing little by little while receiving a lot of things. What your teacher said is only a few things about you. So don't be too swayed by that kind of thing.
Your heart is so exhausted and broken right now. First of all, please relax and rest your mind. Please stop thinking for a moment, adjust your breathing slowly, and calm your mind slowly. Then take a leisurely bath, eat a warm meal, and get a good night's sleep. I think it's okay to take a break from studying. What is important in studying is not just doing it; I think it's more important that you face yourself well and be able to do it well. Also, by taking a good rest, your efficiency will always improve.

Please try talking about your painful feelings at this place too. We're always waiting for you.

Again, you're not trash; you're a very important person.
You will continue to be blessed with relationships with many people, and you will learn various things while being cherished. And they grow slowly and freely.

I sincerely hope that you will have a fulfilling learning experience from now on and that you will continue to grow with care.
And I wholeheartedly support you!

There is a possibility of “depression”

If suicidal thoughts continue for days, you may be “depressed.”
Please consult your healthcare provider as soon as possible.
“Depression” is a type of poor physical condition.
It's a symptom of “depression,” and I can only think negatively, and I want to commit suicide.
It's like when you catch a cold, you have a runny nose, cough, or fever.
So, if treated, there is a chance that you won't want to commit suicide.
It's not your fault; it's because of your depression.

When working adults, there are people who become “depressed” due to overwork or power harassment.
You may be living a stressful life right now, like a cornered office worker, even though you are a student.
It seems necessary to improve it in the future, but now “improving symptoms” is ahead of “the cause of catching a cold.”

I think Buddhism helps prevent “depression.”
However, I think people who are already “depressed” need medical help first.

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