I'm thinking about death

Come on, it's painful to be alive.
I shouldn't write it in this place too often, but let me tell you a simple story.
Feel free to skip reading it.

My father died before I went to elementary school, and my mother became depressed.
My mother and I lived together while going back and forth to my grandparents' house, but at one point, a man who is also an acquaintance of my father came in and out of the house.
This guy was kind at first, and he played with my mom and me a lot.
They were both heartbroken, so I completely trusted them, and my mother remarried and I became a daughter.
This was a mistake.

We moved because of the man's wishes (we gradually broke off our relationships with our family and friends from here on), and our mother and child were treated almost as slaves in our isolated house.
The man seemed to get furious over trifles every day, break things, prostrate until he felt comfortable, and then hit him over and over again. It's my mother's job to hit me.

Around this time, I didn't even think about running away anymore, and I was always next to death, and I slept shivering with fear every day.

I was also bullied at school around the same time.
Originally, I had the temperament of being bullied as a crybaby, but after transferring to school, that was very vicious, including teachers.
There was no place to rest at home or school, and I thought I would die every day, but somehow I survived until now.

I became mentally ill because of these things, and various sequelae remained.
Life is extremely difficult because it is merged with a developmental disability that I seem to have had from the beginning.
Specifically, I dropped out of high school, couldn't go to college, and couldn't even get a part-time job, let alone get a job.

No matter what, I'm not convinced.
For example, if I committed a serious crime and there is a current situation as compensation for that, I can be convinced.
Why do I have to be unilaterally and unreasonably destroyed by others even though I have lived a serious life?

There are no right, wrong, or laws in the world, so I can't help but say whatever, but I don't have to spend too much time.
I thought I had lived my life to be kind to people and be honest, but everything was meaningless.
There is no hope for the future either.

I also wanted to be loved by someone if I could, and I wanted to love myself and someone else.
Of course, I also understand that I don't have that much value or appeal.

I even think it would have been better if I hadn't been born.
What went wrong?

4 Zen Responses

I don't need a reason

It just so happened that my mom remarried to a bad man.
I don't feel like I need a reason such as “what went wrong.”
Mice can be eaten by cats.
That's because I happened to be caught by a cat.
There are ferocious people in the human world, and they also happen to be victimized.

Of course, it would have been nice if your mom got divorced right away to protect you.
Or, if they had discussed child abuse or DV at government offices, etc., they may have escaped to a safe facility.
Why didn't the mother try to change her abnormal environment? When I think about it from the viewpoint of parental responsibility, I feel doubtful.
If it's a wild animal, parents take action to protect their children from dangerous creatures (ferocious males).
The mother may have been in a state of mind where she was unable to take such action.
Now, I don't think it's unavoidable to regret the past.
As a child at the time, I don't think you're responsible.
Originally, I think it was a state where the adults around them had to do something about it.

The Buddha will save you from your suffering!

I read your question.

I've had a lot of hard feelings since I was young...
I have worked so hard and lived well until now, that alone is wonderful.

Now, there are people who are born happy, and there are also people who are born suffering and have to live. It might still be better if I was born in Japan. Some babies are born in countries and regions where wars are frequent, and suffer unimaginable suffering.
Why are there such differences between births? This is due to the work (death) of past lives (lives in previous lives). We are born into boundaries corresponding to the good things and bad things we have accumulated in past lives.
Therefore, I don't know the specifics of the fact that AA was born into such a situation and what she did in her past life, but her past life's work had a big impact. In other words, it can be said that it was a crime from a past life.

So, does life now only exist to accept past sins? Buddhism doesn't preach that.
We humans commit various crimes in our lives. They are involved in various activities, such as lying, hurting people, and killing living creatures. At this rate, the next life (next life) may also be born into a world of suffering.
But we can reflect. I can think about things rationally. They have hands and feet, and can speak with their mouths. Using them, you can receive help from past and present works by serving the Buddha, chanting themes, and asking for help, and be born into a world without suffering in the next life.
If you turn it over, if you don't reflect on it, you will be born into a world of suffering in the next life.

Therefore, instead of just being pessimistic about life in vain, please think about why you have experienced this situation and what you should do in the future to avoid suffering next, while studying the teachings of Buddhism.
Also, as you learn the teachings of Buddhism, AA will surely become a wonderful person in terms of personality. If you do that, people will naturally gather around you, and a lot of happiness will flow in.
Buddhism is not a teaching of worldly profit, but it means that by becoming a wonderful person through Buddhism, happiness in this world naturally comes as a side product.

I would be grateful if you could use anything as a reference.

Thank you for writing in Hasunoha. It's been very hard and painful up until now. What went wrong? I wonder what went wrong. But I don't think now is the time to think about the cause.
There is a story about poison arrows in the Buddha's story.
One time, a person was shot by a poisonous arrow. What does that person need first? What caused them to be shot by poison arrows? Are you looking for it? That's not true, is it? What we need now is to remove the poison arrow and treat it. If you're searching for who you were shot by and why you were shot, the poison invades your body, and you die too late.
Similarly, I think what you need is what you need to do now rather than know what caused it.
First of all, I'm not saying it's impossible, but if possible, get psychological counseling, have your doctor objectively diagnose what kind of mental state you are in, and get to know yourself in more detail.
Then, let's talk to the government office office about the future and work.
The contact information for the Developmental Disabilities Support Center is listed below, so please contact them.
http://www.pref.ishikawa.lg.jp/fukusi/kokoro-home/hattatu/top.html
Just as you relied on Hasunoha, please rely on people supporting them inside and outside the prefecture.
Just as Buddha ran away from home when he was 29 and set out on a trip, your life is yet to come.

appending
If I had gotten divorced sooner... does that mean I'm divorced now and living with my mother?
I think it will still take some time to heal the mental wounds and fatigue up until now. However, everything in this world is impermanent. It's a world where everything changes with time. Your mental stuff will also change. Until then, just do what you can, so don't overdo it.
That's because it's okay to be alive.
Please let me know the latest developments from time to time.

Use this as an opportunity

AA-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

Even if you worry about past causal relationships (causes and conditions), past causal relationships cannot be changed.

However, future causal relationships can be changed depending on you.

If you remain bound by past causal relationships and don't change any future causal relationships, it will still be difficult to change the future.

Indeed, Buddhism exists to arrange good causes and relationships.

I would be grateful if you could use this as an opportunity to start practicing Buddhism.

Please count on hasunoha too.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

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