I want to die but I can't even die

I will finally be celebrating the anniversary of my death tomorrow.
I also talked to my parents and friends.
I thought it was just a joke, and few people really took it.
I stopped giving money. That's because when I left money to these people, they probably completely forgot about me and had a lot of fun, and I got angry when I thought about it.

Strangely enough, the anniversary of my death was something I couldn't wait for.
When I came here, I felt something like happy, but also scared, sad, and so on the other hand.
Then, for some reason, the feeling that “I still don't want to die” comes up slightly now.

it's been so painful. Even though I'm suffering so much that I already feel that what I want to do is worthless to me.
I can't let go of my silly worries, and I'm so disgusted with myself that I want to die.
Why is there a slight desire to live suddenly around this time?
I don't understand it at all.

Is there really a feeling somewhere that I still want to live?
I was so desperate that I hoped for death and stayed up all night to prepare.
All that's left to do is execute it.

I feel extra disgusted with myself when I think that I can't even die properly.
I'm sure if I leave it like this, I could hurt someone. Like the man who rushed into a pedestrian paradise with a truck...
Before that happens, I should disappear.

If anyone is looking at this question.
Not limited to monks, but also ordinary people who stop by here are fine.
Please hope that someone will kill me or have an unexpected accident so that I die.
It doesn't matter if you curse me.
Maybe that will cause me to change my mind and commit suicide. That's the best, but...
I am fully aware that this is a sinful request.
But as long as I can't get comfortable with myself, I have no choice but to hope that something will cause me to die.

Please, thank you for your support.

6 Zen Responses

I don't say two words to a man.

Ahhh, I wish I could stop it.

Postscript After being happy, after being satisfied

If your worries really go away, you will live a happy life without getting attached, and accept your life span and die.
The reason we are worried and want to die is because we feel unhappy.
If I had a happy life, I'd like to live a lot more.
In other words, maybe they just want to run away from the life in front of them due to the anguish of anger (disgusting, sad, etc.).
People who are satisfied with eating stop eating.
Even people who are satisfied with living should be able to stop living without attachment.
First, to be satisfied with living, “I've lived enough!” Why don't you aim for a happy life where you can fall asleep refreshingly?

Postscript 12/15
It would be nice if everyone could be saved. Namu Amida Buddha.
If you can sympathize with Namu Amida Buddha, you will one day turn from the side of being saved to the side of saving.

Even if your body dies, your consciousness (current thoughts) remains the same.
let alone because souls don't die at all. I was born after going out of my way to beat off a lot of people, so it's not too late even after doing what needs to be done.

Today's day is...

Today's day is also tomorrow that people who died yesterday really wanted to live.

The luck to live in this world is truly a miracle in the midst of a miracle, moment by moment.

What's more, it happens in a world where there are teachings to escape the suffering of this reincarnation, and it is also a miracle within a miracle within a miracle.

Buddhism also teaches how to truly stop worrying.

By all means, it doesn't matter little by little from now on, so I would be grateful if you continued to practice Buddhism.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

obediently

Rather than what to do, what (really) do you want to do

Thinking about a lot of things and starting to think about things like this should be done, or that this is the only way you can do it, or that you have to do this, rather than what you started

Here, let's honestly surrender to the true wishes that have sprung up from within us before our own thoughts.

The day a person dies is cherished not as the “day of death,” but as the “anniversary of death.” It is a day where I can feel “life (command = action)” from the deceased.

You're still on the receiving end of work.

I will be praying

I read it.
I'm happy from the bottom of my heart that a desire to live has developed in you.
Please live your own way of life carefully.

I pray from the bottom of my heart that you will survive in your own way of life and live well.

Namu Amida Buddha Namu Amidabutsu

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