I want to die

Hello Ran.

You can't help but want to die. It's painful.
While young, a desire to die is born in no small part from various kinds of suffering. That was the case with me. That's because I think I'm alone. But actually, it's different. There are so many people in the world who need you. People who think they are lonely are people who don't realize that they are receiving a lot of happiness from people. The more selfish people are, the more they want to die thinking that they are the only ones unhappy. By the time you grew up, many people have given you an environment to grow up. And there are many people in the world who are suffering more than you, but they are struggling and trying to live somehow.
If you don't need a life, give up who you are now and give up your life for suffering people around the world. Volunteer for children like Mother Teresa of India who are suffering from hunger, disease, and strife. If you get sick because of that, or if you get involved in a war and get shot and die, that's probably true hope.
In Buddhism, it's called being a monk after dying and being reborn. That's why I got the commandment name and made it my own name. Even in Japan, which is thought to be rich, there are many people who are suffering more than you. There are many people who have grown old and are suffering from loneliness and more than you. If you don't think you have any friends, make friends with that old man. You're not alone. Loneliness is an illusion created by oneself.

The reason I give you tough advice is because I care about you who misunderstand you as lonely. If you're lonely, be friends with me. Then you're not alone anymore.

Loneliness begins when you think only of yourself.
You're not alone. Please look forward. I support you. Gassho

Late twenties
I felt hopeless about life
The values I had believed in until now didn't work
I felt like I had been completely denied
I asked myself if I could change it
I thought it was impossible
I thought of a way to get away from this pain
I tried zazen
It was still painful
I looked up the meaning of sutras
I didn't understand
I thought Buddhism wouldn't save me
I asked myself why am I living even though it's so painful
I didn't understand
it was hard and I wanted someone to help me

The world revolved around me as a matter of course

Nobody cares about me
I wanted to be comfortable

“I thought I was going to die”

I've been thinking about a lot for 2 days
I wasn't eating anything
I wasn't drinking anything
I barely slept
I thought I was going to die on the 3rd day
I wanted to do whatever I wanted for the last time
I thought I'd jump off a cliff at the top of my favorite mountain

I went out without getting anything ready
Because I'm going to die anyway
It's raining and my clothes got wet but it doesn't matter
Because I'm going to die anyway
No one went into the mountains on a day like this
It was convenient to commit suicide
It was hard to climb because of hunger and lack of sleep
But it'll be easier soon
Blood came out when I skated on a rocky area and rubbed my hands and feet
But it'll be easier soon
In the fog, it was cold and I was all alone
but it's almost over
“Was my life a life for committing suicide today...”
I was so sad I couldn't stop my tears
It's almost over

I finally reached the cliff at the top
The fog is thick, so you can't see your feet and there's no fear of heights
“If we take one step further, we can finish it”

At that time, I suddenly felt uneasy
Life is definitely over, but can we really be freed from suffering?
What if, after death, you are hungry, fluttering, cold, and alone... and have to keep climbing an invisible mountain at the top...

I couldn't take one more step

I crouched on the spot because I couldn't even die
When I looked at my hand casually, the blood from the scraped wound had stopped before I knew it
I'm going to die anyway, so I don't have to stop

“!”

The body was trying to live
stop the blood, keep beating your pulse...
He was the guy who always stayed with me when it was hard, when it was hard, without complaining
That irreplaceable guy still wants to live

I thought only this guy should never be betrayed

“I don't want to live” and “I want to die” are not equal.

This guy taught me that

I want to die by staying with this guy until the end of my life and saying “thank you.”

I read it.
I read that you are feeling so much pain that I want to die right now. And I read that you've really been driven into it.
Your life is very important. First of all, please rest your own mind little by little. Please adjust your breathing while taking slow, deep breaths, and slowly release the tension in your head and the forces that make your body stiff.

Please don't worry! You can rest and live a leisurely life. Please relieve the pressure that binds your mind and body.
Then slowly enjoy a warm meal, such as rice porridge that is gentle on the body. And please sleep slowly. It may not be easy to fall asleep, but please think of the southern sea and islands bathed in spacious, gentle light, and take a leisurely sleep while imagining the light of so many stars shining in clear skies at night. Even if you wake up in the middle, please take a break and go back to sleep.

Then wake up and try to calm your mind little by little, and then by all means tell us about your feelings and things up until now.
There's no need to be in a hurry. We're always waiting for you. Please don't be afraid to show what is in your heart one by one.

You're an important person, and you're not alone.

I read it again.
Could you take it a little longer and let us know your feelings and circumstances? please.

Please try talking about yourself slowly to the extent possible. It's anonymous, so there's no problem even if you change your name. I'm looking forward to seeing you.

Akutagawa Ryunosuke's “Spider's Thread” is really well-made. The spider web held by the main character, Kandata, was not cut with scissors by Buddha, who was angry at Kandata's inappropriate remarks. The text says, “I made a loud noise from where Kandata was hanging and I turned it off.” In other words, due to my own misdeeds (bad behavior), it naturally cut off from hand.

“I don't want to hear harsh words. I'm tired of listening to it.”
“I'm not even invited by Buddhism”
“Well then, I'm going to hell quietly”
you know.
The monks did their best to answer the questions with all their heart and words, sparing no time to spare any time. If you don't feel like listening properly, why don't you at least refrain from asking questions until you have a serious attitude of learning?

Hell is dangerous enough to be cool, and the answering monks, who have learned twice as well, hang down the line of life with every hand in an attempt to somehow rescue people who are grieving and suffering from life from the abyss, and to somehow protect people who really seem to fall into hell. However, just as a person who is unwilling to cure an illness cannot be cured by any famous doctor, and just as those who don't take any elixir cannot be effective, there is no way to save those who don't listen seriously. This is the reason for things.

Incidentally, even in our hasunoha rules, statements that induce death are strictly prohibited. it's no use trying to get us a GO sign for suicide, right?

＜Additional Notes＞
“With a person like this trash”
I don't need this kind of thing.

＜Postscript 2＞
“If you don't like me, you won't be able to answer my question.”
I'm answering because I can't just shut up and overlook it.

＜Postscript 3＞
Akutagawa Ryunosuke's “Spider's Thread” is... “Back to the Beginning”
Endless loop, damn it. This is called [Muzen-jigoku].

I was also allowed to read past ones.

I have Chinese friends.

It's a good relationship.

I'm sad no matter who dies.

So I'll write to hasunoha.

There are no solicitations, and it's not tough.

I'd like to help.

Please email me if you like.
gensyudo@gmail.com