I think I'll die no matter what they say.

My husband was transported by ambulance in December of last year, small bowel cancer was discovered in January, and I was given a one-month life expectancy declaration. I was told that I could only live for about 5 months even if I was treated with anticancer drugs and got along well, so I chose not to do it myself.
My husband was 35 years old at the time.
I quit my job in January and visited the hospital every day.
After that, I went through a palliative care ward and received home health care.
I was fine at first, but my condition got worse and worse, the pain got worse, and now I can't go to the bathroom or bed anymore, and I can't roll over myself.

My mother-in-law and I provide nursing care. I lived at a physical distance from my parents-in-law, so we only met once or twice a year.
We tried nursing together this time, and our way of thinking and lifestyle are different, and I feel stressed.

That being said, I can't take care of someone who can't even go to the bathroom alone, so I'm doing my best to live somehow.

My husband's intestinal bleeding increases when he eats it, so he lives with an infusion, and I decided to mix sleeping pills into that infusion starting today to make him sleep.
The pain is severe, and morphine, suppositories, etc. are no longer effective, so it is a last resort.

Other than the pain was severe, fatigue accumulated because they invited me and my mother-in-law to ask for it, which is one of the reasons I decided to mix it up. (Although the person himself has approved it)

I'm sure things will continue to get worse and worse, and one day they will leave.

This is the main subject.
It seems like I'm going to follow suit myself.
I don't have a job now, and taking care of my husband is becoming a part of my life.
Nursing care is very difficult.
I'm isolated from my relatives, so I have no relatives to rely on, and I don't have children.
I sometimes fight with my mother-in-law, so I can't rely on my parents-in-law.

I have friends, but what is it because I have friends?
I'm sure you'll be sad when I die. But I'm sure I'll forget it someday.

I'm not looking for a meaning to live; I can't do anything anymore.
If there were any unpainful suicides, I think they would definitely do it.

They say they can do anything if they feel like dying, but they don't have the energy to start anything.
If I were to die alone in the future, I can only think that it would be nice if the person who died now could also have their remains put in my husband's grave.

After consulting, it doesn't mean that anything can be solved, but I wrote it down.

4 Zen Responses

Together with my husband

I read it.
While your husband is suffering from an illness, I think you are also having a very difficult time. You may be the only one who understands all of those feelings, but I sincerely understand your feelings.

Your husband is probably living very hard with you right now, devoting all his energy to this moment. It may be painful to watch, but I'm sure you're living a hard life snuggling up to your husband. These moments are irreplaceable.

There may be times when you won't be able to watch, or you'll be exhausted, so please take a short break and rest your own mind and body. Please get as much sleep as possible and eat nutritious food thoroughly. Also, please enhance your own energy and physical strength.

Your husband will be able to live through that irreplaceable life with you. Please support my husband by your side to the extent possible.

Your husband met you and is still living a happy life with you while enjoying and sharing. You too have spent irreplaceable encounters and time with your husband and are living a happy life.
Please take good care of these moments together.

We are blessed with many relationships and have been given life in our lives. Since we are finite, there will always come a time when we will live to the fullest. The Buddha, gods, ancestors, and many close people will kindly greet you when you complete your life. We're never alone.
You and your husband are still being watched over by so many people. I have received support and encouragement from so many people and snuggled up to me, and I'm living now.
And you will continue to live the life and life that was given to you with your husband.

If you don't mind, please let me know how you feel here too. Or please talk to your husband, Buddha, gods, and ancestors in your heart.
Your husband, Buddha, gods, and ancestors will always accept your feelings. Please tell me your painful and sad feelings as they are.

You are an important person, and I will continue to live with my husband. The relationship between you and your husband has been linked forever ever since.

reason

I was able to hear how you feel.

It's too much for me to guess, but I don't think you can express your own feelings well before they came into your own words.

And what somehow narrowed down that feeling into words was “I think I'll die no matter what is said.” I think that's what it means.

How can I arbitrarily deny that?

Of course, I personally want you to live. That's human touch. But you can't save people with human kindness.

So I want you to do what you really want.

well,

> “I think I'll die no matter what they say.”

If you think about the word from a different point of view, this makes sense. This applies not only to my husband, but also to you, as well as to me and everyone else. People must die someday. And no matter when that death is, we must accept it alone.

In the sutras, it is explained that we are “alone, alone dead, alone, alone.” This is a stark fact.

But it doesn't end when people die.

It is said that there are two things born from death. One is “the existence of a deceased person,” and the other is “me living with the deceased.”

How do you feel about that, and how can you accept it? How are we going to check it out?
I can't force you to take whatever steps you choose. And I also think it's something you can only choose within the context of that time.

If it were a Buddha, they would probably accept any kind of you if you said, “Come as you are.” I have no choice but to enjoy it with you.

Namu Amida Buddha

God and Buddha are merciful to you.

I read your question.
It's getting hard for the fool too,
I couldn't help but shed tears.
really, really,
It's hard.
but from above you,
The light of Shinto and Buddha's mercy
What makes it brighter
Don't you understand?

What if anything were to happen to me
When it happened
Who knows the memorial service?
My elderly parents-in-law,
Your own parents
With my husband
Your memorial service
It's going to be done.

Is that OK?

For you,
What are your feelings
I can't do anything about myself
They say they want help
If it's the cry of the soul,
The fool is thinking.
For those of you,
There is salvation from Shinto and Buddha.

It's not the soul of this present life.
reincarnation, change death,
My husband
They will return to the Pure Land first.
you followed,
What happens if I go?
Who is your husband
This is the longevity of this world.
What are you
I left halfway.

To my husband
For the inconvenience,
Wouldn't it be?

What is your longevity
There's still more to come.
I'm going to survive.
Survive
Survive
getting old,
My hair turned gray,
A tooth fell out,
My hips are bent,
is that enough?
and at that time,
Please ask your husband.
Well that's it!
If you say that, I'll still live.
That's enough!
If you were told,
With your husband at the head,
Amida-sama Hajime
The gods of the Buddhas
Ride on the five colored clouds,
Please come pick me up.

Until then,
live.

Namu Amida Buddha

People who support you will show up

Thank you for posting in the midst of so much suffering, Chikarin-sama.

“I think I'm going to follow suit myself.”
Actually, I don't want to follow suit, so I want to find a way to live somehow.
This is probably the real intention.
You might not be aware of it right now.

There are monks and therapists who do terminal care and grief care
Please don't hold it alone and talk to someone like that.
I'm sure someone who supports you will show up.
Please keep that in mind.

In the future, your husband's consciousness will fade, and you may not be able to communicate
You may be in the midst of painful sorrow.
Even so, you can show your support.
It will teach you that people have the power to recover from grief.
Please remember that even in the corner of your heart.

We will do our best to stay close to your heart, so
Please continue to consult with us here.
One bow

P.S.: “We can live only because we have a medium called memory. My memory is limited, and I forget it. There is probably happiness that can be obtained by forgetting. But now the time I spent with my husband and the time left behind. Another option for me is to make it eternal by dying.”
My memory is limited. I don't think so. There are memories left in the subconscious mind that I have forgotten. Also, I'll tell you that there is no answer as to whether death makes you eternal. I think it's because of you that your husband's affairs will last forever.
It seems like you often respond that you know, but maybe the only thing you understand is on the surface. When it comes to your husband, you probably think that way yourself, just like you think so. There's actually a lot of hope there, isn't there? That might be kindness. Is it love? Or is it about being more compassionate about the love between yourself and your husband? Maybe it's a miracle? I think you're pretty tired. There may also be times when you lean on the Buddha. But I think you still have a place.
PS: Thanks again for your message. You can cry just by crying. Until now due to character limits. If you email us (honsyoji.sk@ddknet.ne.jp), we will help you take care of your mind. Regret again

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