Can I do a memorial service even if I'm like this

Good morning.
I saw your question.

There's no such thing as not being able to do a memorial service.
This past year, even if you don't say it's a perfect score, we've been able to properly hold a memorial service at the level of a passing score.

In addition to being present at memorial services, daily gathering of hands is also an important memorial service.

Nonetheless, I know that it is difficult to get rid of your own feelings of redemption right away.

There is also a part where I'm not sure if it will be conveyed well in the current situation of deep sadness and self-blame,

A memorial service is not a place for trial.
It's not a place where Nana is judged or blamed.

If we go down to the original meaning of the memorial service, it is a place to calm the grief, anxiety, and fear of bereaved families related to the deceased and hold memorial services.

It can also be said that it is a place where children who become disciples of Buddha and walk the path of Bodhisattvas accumulate experiences of saving the grief and fear of bereaved families.

Parents don't want their children to somehow attain Buddhism, and it's also a place where parents grow through their children.

I don't think it's easy to feel like that, but it's also a place where you can feel safe and cry in front of a Buddhist altar.

Please think about it from Kodomo Nyorai's point of view.
It's not a “place to spread mom's heartbreak,” but “sorry for making mom sad.” Now that I have become a disciple of the Buddha, I will be a full-fledged Nyorai that heals my mother's wounds no matter how many years it takes, so it's okay to cry now, but live properly.”

I'm so sorry for being so tough, hoping that parents and children will be rewarded and overcome their grief.
The way the memorial service is perceived and the meaning may be different from that of monks who come to the memorial service or other responding monks.
I apologize in advance for the fact that this may not be a typical exemplary answer.

I read it.
One year is about to pass since your precious child passed away, and since you love that child from the bottom of your heart, I think it's not unreasonable for you to feel that sadness, sorrow, and regret. I really understand how you feel.
I would like to ask the Buddha to help that child be guided by the Buddha, saved from any hesitation or suffering, and feel at peace of mind. Shishin Gassho Nanmu Amida Buddha Namu Amidabutsu
That child is always led by the Buddha, and close people and ancestors greet him kindly. Then, together with all of you, they attain Buddhism with complete peace of mind under the Buddha. And from now on, they will always be watching over you and your family kindly.
Your sorrows and regrets will never run out, but please do a memorial service for that child with all your heart, and please express your thoughts to that child from the bottom of your heart.
That child will always accept your thoughts as they are and gently soothe them.
That child is always close to you.
The relationship between you and your child will last forever.
One day, when you reach the end of your life, the Buddha will always guide you, and that child will take many of your ancestors and greet you kindly. And that's because you and your child will rejoice.
Please go to the Buddhist altar every morning every day from now on and put your hands together with your heart and hold a memorial service with that child. That kid is always watching over you.
Please put your hands together with all your heart and do the memorial service with all your heart, whether it's the first anniversary memorial service or visiting graves; it's OK to cry when you're sad. That's because that kid will definitely accept those tears.

I sincerely pray for that child that you will continue to live peacefully with that child in good health and with everyone.

　A memorial service does not just mean a memorial service called the first anniversary or the third anniversary. It's about being thankful that you are being kept alive now for your deceased ancestors, and spend the time called today with care and live a precious life. The annual memorial service is an opportunity for ancestors in the Buddha's world to pray that they will further develop Buddhism, and to report how grateful they are to their ancestors every day. It is also an opportunity to check the memories of those who have passed away and think about how to make use of those who have passed away in their own lives.

I think the grief caused by the passing of a child is profound. When an important family member dies, I think they are often tormented by a sense of loss that they have gone right in front of them in particular. When people say Pure Land or Paradise, I think they think of places far away. However, speaking from a folklore standpoint, Japanese people think that people who have died are close to them, have loved the deceased in memory of those who have passed away, and have been making memorial services.
“Basically, the “world after death” common to all Buddhists is the French homeland. This is the land of the Buddha. It's the Buddha's world. According to Buddhist doctrine, even if the deceased was explained to have gone to paradise (French land) far away, and even if they are convinced, there are many people who think “the deceased will live in a familiar place” according to the Japanese folk view of psychics. There is a saying “watching from behind leaves of grass,” but “shade of leaves of grass” refers to graves. It's probably a remnant of a time when burial was common for a long time. The deceased slept in a graveyard near their home, and they have been watching over them since then. I think that kind of feeling was common.”
Humble blog post “A Peaceful Departure to a Peaceful World Part 2”

At the time of the funeral, I receive the commandment name from the parishioners, so to speak, “it's the Buddha's entrance ceremony to school.” I'm explaining it. The first anniversary is the closing ceremony for the first year, and the opening ceremony for the second year. In the case of this child, the annual memorial service will add years of life. You can't watch your child grow in a normal way, but let's hold our child in our heart and continue the years of Nana's life together with our child.

Reference: NHK: Age of Mind “In Search of Immortality Matsubara Yasumichi”
http://h-kishi.sakura.ne.jp/kokoro-40.htm

“”

What is the life that died
I think Amida can save me
I believe it.
No matter what kind of death it is
No matter what kind of feelings you have left
I thought everything was over and they would save me
I believe it.

nor
Your feelings of sadness, regret, and remorse
Amitaba-sama is sure to save me.
But it will still take time.
That's about it
That's because that painful feeling is huge.

In order to meet Amida's salvation
A memorial service will be held.
That feeling of yours
As it is, it's already a memorial service.