Temple Bride

It's a remarriage between divorced women. There were no children from my previous marriage. I met my current husband through a friend's introduction.
My husband is the chief priest of the temple, and I am a member of the temple family.
Since the beginning of our marriage, we have managed to come to terms with each other, but since giving birth to a child last year, they have been asked to work at a temple just like before they gave birth.
Due to the temple heir issue, my husband said that there would be no successor last year, and I had a fight with my father (chief priest), and that was after delivery, and I was limited by temple work and childcare, so I went back to my parents' house once. The reason for the fight was that the father, who didn't do anything while her husband was cleaning, seemed angry that he passed by while laughing beside him.
Incidentally, my husband doesn't take care of the children at all.
I gave birth in June of last year, and in August I weeded, sprinkled herbicides, picked up fallen leaves, and cleaned the temple.
My husband's only hobby is pachinko, and he used to go there a lot last year.
One day, I suddenly started being ignored, and I didn't know why, so I asked my parents-in-law what to do. In the middle of the consultation, my husband came into the conversation and said he didn't like me doing anything about the temple. I've been leaving things about the temple to my parents-in-law for a long time, and there is also Kanmuji Temple, and I was mainly doing that, but I think there was a part where I was busy raising children and asked for it from my husband. However, until last year, I was the main cleaning, and there was a time when I couldn't balance childcare, and had a fight and went back to my parents' house.
We had discussions and intended to go home to do something together, but from my husband's point of view, who doesn't participate in childcare, he says it's a temple rather than a child.
They didn't believe me even if I said it was tough during pregnancy, and I carried herbicides on my back and sprinkled them in a 7 liter tank until just before delivery.
My child is now 7 months old and wakes up late at 8 o'clock in the morning. I also woke up at 8 o'clock with my child because I was worried about falling in bed, but my husband told me that I wouldn't wake up in the morning, and I was scolded for not doing temple work during the day. My husband wants me to wake up at 6 a.m. And if possible, they say try all the childcare, housework, and temple work. I was told they wouldn't help unless that was the case. I'm worried about whether to continue my marriage.

5 Zen Responses

Building a discussion relationship

Hello.

First of all, you can see how difficult it is for you to “give birth in June and weed the temple in August.” Shortly after delivery, it must have been quite a burden seasonally. I hear that being unreasonable after delivery also has an effect on menopause. You can also tell the extent of what your husband is looking for.

From the owner's point of view, “It's more of a temple than a child,” I don't think you've done enough about the temple. Meanwhile, you think you're working hard, but you're not getting recognition.

While both of them think mainly about temples, they would probably agree that they want to make home childcare as fulfilling as possible, but I get the feeling that it is unfair that the husband only insists on temples.

In the first place, it's a bit difficult to understand that cleaning triggers a fight where there is no succession. I wonder if it's such an amount of work that I can't complete even if I work hard to maintain the temple and do legal affairs. From the point where they say, “Pachinko is my hobby, and I went there a lot last year,” it makes me think I still have time to spare. You can think of a tendency to think that it boils down without permission within oneself and then suddenly explodes.

Also, the fact that “one day, they suddenly began to be ignored,” doesn't feel an equal perspective of discussing and making improvements with each other, so it's a one-sided impression.

In this kind of situation, it would be essential to have a place where a third party, such as marital counseling, is discussed on an equal footing and calmly. With this, I think the husband will be able to gradually review the values he took for granted while receiving external indications.

Also, there may be parts of this that you didn't write enough in your sentences, but there are parts that bothered you.

You're worried about your baby and are “waking up with your kids at 8 o'clock” and “I want my husband to wake up at 6 a.m.” I think preventing a baby from falling can be solved by using a crib. I feel like this is a bit late for a temple to start. Does that mean they wake up early to make breakfast?

You're probably worried about “whether or not to continue your marriage as it is,” but why not first focus on creating an environment where you can discuss things on an equal footing, then think about the next one.

appending
Thank you for your reply.
Let's put our thoughts into words more and more and think about them together. See you again.

Family support centers, etc.

I think one way is to use child-rearing support services such as family support centers and temporary childcare.
You can take care of your child once or twice a week, even for a few hours, and you can work during that time, or use it for refreshment time such as beauty salons or shopping.
Let's borrow the help of others.

First, the network

　The bride of the temple, one son of the temple family, is right as the monk who answered last time.
※The temple bride is called Okuri-san at my temple.
I'll give you additional information. First, let's build a network between people in the same warehouse. I think there are probably many people who have had similar experiences. No matter what, Mr. Okuri will be isolated. There are still many feudal temples. So, first of all, don't be isolated. If it's a currician gathering, I can't say bad things about the chief priest or husband. In addition to temple complaints, how can we improve marital relationships and temple management? Let's think about it.

We must do what we can

Hard work right after delivery must have been tough.

When I listen to the story, it seems like the temple your wife's husband is involved in is a large temple.

There are tasks (cleaning, etc.), temple duties (relationships with parishioners, etc.), and legal affairs (Buddhist affairs such as funeral memorial services) to the extent that no matter how much they do, the burden of the work falls on the temple family, especially the Teraba ladies (called this in our sect).

However, it would be nice if we could balance that heavy work with raising children, but that is quite difficult.

Around my temple, it's normal for children to live separately until they go up to elementary school. I think that's all it takes to raise children.

My mom also worked hard to raise me. My father, who is the chief priest, is a tyrannical person, left my heavy mother and went on a trip to India, and I heard from my mother that he was tyrannical in the first place.

People who grew up in a temple often have an abnormal view of family, so it would be necessary to have discussions with a third party and have them correct that sense of family.

Isn't there an agency nearby where I can consult about women's human rights?

Also, no matter how much you are told that you don't do temple work, you should prioritize raising children.

If you just follow the demands, you'll be ruined, just like me.

I was Daiji's successor, but as a result of continuing to meet the excessive demands of my parents, my mind was ruined, and I was finally a person who went insane. After going crazy, I was finally able to work for a bit in '18, but I don't intend to take over my parents' temple anymore.

I don't want that to happen to you, so I said it with all my heart as an old woman.

Let's go back to our parents' house on the premise of divorce.

Hello, Terajoma-san. My name is Tomoyuki Somekawa, the chief priest of Kongoza-ji Temple.

Thank you for your hard work, Mr. Daikoku (the wife of the temple).
I would like to express my sincere gratitude. Apart from good and bad, the duties of a temple are also like the rules of a wife married to a temple. However, this is only if your husband does the temple duties properly and is grateful to you. After all, your duty as a temple bride is your husband's problem. As far as I've heard from you, I'm not very grateful to you, and I don't try to help my wife, and I take it for granted that helping the temple is just a matter of course.

There is no need to establish an in-law as a wife to such a husband. You are not the chief priest. And the bride in the temple is not a slave. Let's finally take the kids back to their parents' house. So if your husband doesn't reflect and understand, you should get divorced. If you don't have that level of preparation, your husband won't be able to understand what's important. It's exactly the same way of life as my father-in-law's chief priest.

Conversely, it also leads to protecting that temple.
I'm rooting for you. Please do your best. Gassho

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