Ronin seems to have failed and I want to disappear now

I've been a ronin aiming for national medical school for 1 year. The second exam is 1 week from now. The results of the common test were so bad that I misrepresented my score to my parents. No matter what, I couldn't tell them the real score. While studying for the second exam with the aim of passing the reversal, he suddenly said, “No matter how hard I try, I can't get a passing score anymore. The days continue where I think, “What should I do if I fail,” it becomes painful, and I run away from studying so as not to think about the entrance exam. Also, the day I ran away was a material for losing confidence right before the current exam, and I want to blame my past self, regret it, and run away again.
My mother works while having a chronic illness, and she supports my medical school entrance exam by getting a lot of debt that cannot be covered by scholarships. My aunt and uncle also cared about my physical condition and helped me financially. If you fail, you don't feel sorry for those people and you won't be able to match them.

If it didn't work on the day of my acceptance announcement, I even thought about suicide. I thought over and over again that I wanted to die, but I thought it would be even more painful for my mother to die, so I stopped and cried over and over again.
I don't have the money to go to a private school, so I haven't applied. You only get one chance. If you fail, you won't be able to go on to college anywhere.
I think my classmates are going to college or working, and it's irresistible that they don't like who I am.
I'm weak and selfish, so if I don't pass, I'm likely to choose suicide with all my heart wanting to run away from being sorry.

2 Zen Responses

I'm rooting for you!

Hello.

“Aiming to become a one-year national medical school ronin” was a huge effort, wasn't it?
The situation may not allow us to let our guard down, but for now, please spend all your energy on the “only once” “chance.”

They probably think even if they don't want to think, “What if the day of the acceptance announcement doesn't work.” I understand how you feel. However, as I mentioned earlier about this, it's better to focus on devoting all your energy. Rather, if you think too much about “if it doesn't work,” you won't have confidence in all of your answers, and your condition will drop. I will definitely accept it! , let's consider this.

Your concern is that your mother, “aunt or uncle,” who “cares about your physical condition and supports you financially,” don't have a “face to match if it doesn't work” or “I'm sorry.”

But if you're smart, you'll understand.
Did your mother say “aunt or uncle” is “no good” unless you are taking the “medical school entrance exam,” or if you haven't passed the exam? Even if you hope to pass, you won't think it's “bad.”

Even if things don't go well, they probably value you. Don't you think this should have helped you with the entrance exam for the Faculty of Letters, going on to a vocational school, and getting a job.

What's more, who wants to “choose suicide with all my heart because I want to run away from being sorry if I don't pass”?

You are being watched over by people who care more about you than you.

Please keep that in mind and do your best! I'm rooting for you.

appending
Thank you so much for your reply.
Glad to be of service to you.
For now, just focus on putting all your energy into it. I'm rooting for you!

There's still more to come! It's fine!

I've read your question.
Disappointed and discouraged,
I painfully understand how you feel.
like the end of this world
It makes me think so.

What is a fool
Aiming for T University
Two waves and one stay.
What is Ichidome after the two waves
Anyway, I'm going to another university,
While enrolled
A substantial ronin life
That's because I did.
So a one-year bonus injury,
I've arrived.

After that,
It's been a long time, so I decided to change
I aimed for bone grafting.
There is no punishment,
Next time,
Focus only on national examinations
Since they were together, it was a year later.
Transfer schools
graduation,
Passed the national exam in a hurry,
There was such a thing.

To put it worse
I wasted years of my life.
You could say that,
If you change the way you look at it,
A thankful and precious life
I was able to gain experience.

As it is,
If I had gone straight,
human pain and suffering,
Feeling frustrated
It might not have been there.

Because I know the pain,
You can be kind and kind to people.
I'm thankful for that.

Being cared for by patients,
A kind doctor
Please aim for it.

There's still more to come.

If you're tough financially,
If you save money and get back on
That's fine.

Enrolled in a general university for communication, etc.
There is also a way to transfer to a bachelor's degree.
If it's national,
I think it was at G University etc.
As long as you don't give up,
It's not over.

There's still more
from now on.

Please refer here
I'll stick it on.

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2utQLN-Gf8e-rUKuVGqa4SwtYQi0nW70

God series
First sunrise song

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