I can't help but be afraid of being scolded or scolded.

Good evening, Anepan-san!
I'll try to give a different answer than yesterday.

It seems that Anepan-san was raised without being praised at all. That's why I don't have healthy self-love. I think that's absolutely true.
Perhaps your parents also don't have enough self-love?
From my parents' point of view, I can't praise them because they are my own children that they don't like.
Please try to understand your parents' upbringing.

By the way, self-love cannot be triggered on your own, so it's better to change yourself from the outside.
What is common is saying, “I love myself.”
Of course, it doesn't matter if it's a lie.
In the Jodo Shinshu sect, Namu Amida Buddha is voiced, and this is to deliver the Buddha's message to one's heart.
Using the same strategy, they deliver the message “I love myself” to my heart.
Maybe “I forgive myself” before I like it.
I'm really saying it out loud.
If I could do this, I'd be relieved for the time being.

“There were no people in the past, and there won't be people in the future, who are just being judged or praised. Not even in the present” (Dharma Sutra 228)

At one point, when the Buddha and his disciples were on a long trip, two men followed them later. In front of the Buddha and his party, one person began belittling them with harsh words. The other one, on the other hand, praised him with all kinds of compliments. Their accusations and praises continued along the way, but the disciples remained calm and unconcerned. Seeing that attitude, the Buddha also said the same thing.
“Never be angry, grumpy, or uncomfortable when someone slanders me. Or even if you try to praise them, don't rejoice, be happy, or be good at it. That's because it will be an obstacle for you and you won't be able to determine what is right and what isn't.”

A person's evaluation is just a subjective thing that appears through the opponent's filter. Whether the content is true or not, and whether it is worthy of adoption is a completely different matter.

Criticism generally appears when “for that person” is unfavorable, unhelpful, incomprehensible, or simply in a bad mood. If you think it's a point that hits the mark, makes sense, and is useful to you, you should listen. If that's not the case, there's no need to worry about it, let alone truly accept the other person's malice or misunderstanding.

It's also dangerous to want to be praised and approved all the time. As I said at the beginning, we can never live a life where we are only praised. Also, praise reviews are just as unreliable as criticism. How many people give sincere compliments after really understanding and judging everything?

In order not to lose sight of the truth of “what I am now”... let's be careful not to let voices from outside seize sovereignty over our minds.
Because it is a world where it is impossible to avoid uncertain “evaluations from others,” I think the only solution is to develop a mind that is not shaken by it.

I really understand Anepan-san.
It's scary to be yelled at from above!!
Actually, that was the case with me.
As a result, I became depressed.
Humans live with constant anxiety and fear.
The reason we have anxiety and fear is to increase our chances of survival.
In fact, in the long history of mankind, no one who did not have anxiety or fear has survived.
In other words, having anxiety and fear is an essential ability in order to live.
So how can we relieve anxiety and fear?
Number one is to change the “environment.”
Next, things like stress tolerance and changing yourself.
People basically live their lives thinking they don't want to change.
So, even if Anepan-san wants to change her partner, it won't change.
Anepan-san has no choice but to change herself.
For this reason, it is the number one “change the environment.”
What is important here is what kind of “values” Anepan lives with.
The options differ depending on what “values” Anepan prioritizes.
Therefore, it is important what you cherish in your life.
The specific way to find values is to write them down on paper.
I've told you how to do it in another person's question, so please refer to it.
You can apply this method of writing out and thinking on paper, so it's a good idea to master it.

Thank you for your question.
Thank you for your hard work.

I'm going to put it in a slightly harsh way.

What the hell is Anepan-san afraid of?
If your evaluation is low and it is natural for you to be denied
Whether you're turned down or scolded, there shouldn't be any fear there.

But it's scary. Understood.
But what is the true nature of that fear?

What Anepan-san is afraid of is probably that “possibilities will disappear.”
I did some action and think that maybe I have a self that hasn't been turned down
Isn't it scary that it's going to run out?
If you keep taking action even though it's OK if the possibilities are gone
Strangely enough, possibilities open up, don't they?

If you want to change the present, you can't just leave it as it is. Nothing changes.
However, the past has absolutely nothing to do with it. I just think so myself.
Please think about the true nature of your fear without linking it to the past at all.

Then, doesn't that fear become a virtual image that you have arbitrarily created?
Now, I think it depends on Anepan-san whether she notices it or continues to be in a relationship with that fictional image.

“It is better for someone who is intelligent and quiet to live for a day rather than someone who is foolishly lost and in turmoil to live a hundred years.” Dhammapada

Don't let anything and everything stay trendy.
I'm a liar and murderer, but “just the way it is ~ ♪”
I'm on the run, but in “♪ this is fine ~” it's X.
I think you're just defending yourself because you're afraid of damage you've suffered in the past.
Let's think this is a defensive reaction.
It's just a matter of changing the response itself from denial, rejection, and defense to something positive, approving, and accepting.
You're just leaving a deep-seated sense of your past, of being hurt, damaged, and lost.
The individual ❝ response ❞ includes all perception, sensation, and evaluation of an event.
Your reaction is currently negative, but you can change that response to something more motivating, positive, positive, positive. Of course it depends on how you feel (lol)
That's what it means to change and change lives.
The way to do that is to make people think that past evaluations are not a loss, but rather something that has improved themselves.
The reason you can't love the past, which has made you grow up until now, is because the focus is only on what has been hurt in the past.
It's a good idea to attend a zazen session at 3 o'clock on Sunday once in order to know the true meaning of what you are, awaken to a better self, and change yourself to happiness without falling into the delusion that you are not stuck in your shell.
We look forward to hearing from questioners and those who want to change themselves.

Anepan-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

It looks like you're falling into a little bit of self-loathing and self-denial...

As I answered a little bit of my previous question, I think it will be important to prepare so that you can get good luck in the future in order not to fall into self-loathing and have confidence in yourself. I think it will change little by little, even if it's just a little bit, just being positive, cheerful, and energetic.

“What does “stay the way you are” mean? ・・ “As it is, just the way it is”... Of course, everyone knows that it's not an ant's mother (lol), but I think that this “just the way it is” is actually quite a habit.

To be honest, even if they say “just the way it is,” there are so many answers as is that I don't understand it after all... (laughs)

The movie “Frozen” seems to be a big hit, and the Japanese lyrics for the theme song “Let it Go, Let It Go” are translated as “that's enough, let it go,” and “I don't care, just the way it is.”

I'm not saying anything stingy, but if “as is,” it's fine without doing anything else in particular, but then, when it comes to whether that solves any real problems... there's no way it can be solved.

In Buddhism in particular, in order to resolve numerous suffering in reality, Shakyamuni was forced to change the Dharma wheel from the truth of the Four Noble Truths. If “just the way it is,” there is no need to be explained such a thing, and you can just say “it's fine as it is.” However, in reality, that is not the case. If our reality, which continues to wander through the dark path of ignorance, worries, and bad work, is fine as it is, then Buddhism or anything will not be necessary. Or, even the morals, ethics, and laws of the world could be denied.

This “just the way it is” way of thinking is pretty peculiar. This is all due to the number of characters, but I would like to be able to handle it in more detail if I have another chance.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho