Your answers twice didn't come to anything...

Let me introduce you to the associations I also belong to.

① This meeting
We are receiving consultations about our concerns about exchanging letters.
http://www.bouzsanga.org/letters.html

② This is being received over the phone.
http://www.soudannet-kaze.jp

Go ahead,
Please express your feelings.

Dear May 1, I have read your question (including the past).
It's so wonderful that you went out of your way to ask about a temple thinking that you want to change yourself and that there is hope for life somewhere.
Everyone has different problems with counterfactual theories. No two people have exactly the same age they were born in, the environment they grew up in, their personality, and temperament. It is important to listen to that person's concerns and explain their teachings.
Medication for illness means that a doctor gives medicine in response to an illness. Prescribing compresses for colds will do nothing.
There are people who go to the hospital only once and are cured by being prescribed medicine, and there are also people who go to the hospital over and over again, and finally get well after being hospitalized.

There are various denominations of Buddhism. Tendai sect, Shingon sect, Soto sect, Obaku sect, Jodo sect, Jodo Shinshu, etc

I was so happy that you visited the temple even once.
Surely somewhere, in some denomination, there is a place that will give light to your life. Please come and visit a lot.
It's definitely not going to be wasted.

If you wanted to die, would you have the courage to pierce the heart with a knife on the spot?
I won't give you anything like that. Monks give wisdom to life and value dignity.

If anyone says that they disregard the dignity of your life, or if they have a religion, they are false.

If possible, I'd like to hear from you. I would like to listen carefully to my current thoughts and then state them in my own way. My temple is a temple called Ikkouji in 1102 Horigome-cho, Sano-shi, Tochigi-ken. My name is Yoshiaki Azuma and I am the chief priest. If you don't mind, please contact the temple. (Telephone number 0283-22-4664)

This is Goto from the Shingon sect.

Do you know the term Rokudō Reincarnation?

Life doesn't end with being born into this world and dying.
It's going round and round, reincarnated, transformed into death.
It can also be said that Buddhism exists to break out of that cycle of suffering.

It seems that you want to die because your current situation is difficult,
It's not like you're going to be released when you die.

If you pass away yourself, you'll leave a scar that's too big in your family's heart, and on top of that, you'll have to wait for it to be easy by relying on the thick memorial services of your family, friends, and relatives.
Have you ever thought that if your relatives didn't do a memorial service, you might be in a much more difficult situation than when you were alive?
You may feel even more overwhelmed by a strong sense of helplessness.

Now, I can choose my own path, move forward, and improve on my own.
It can be said that choosing death is also a choice in one's life, but it's definitely not a path I can recommend.

I think living is a very difficult thing.
I think just living in this world is a difficult ascetic practice.
Even if you don't do anything, just being alive is an ascetic practice.

Humans become aware of the wonderful value within themselves from the midst of that pain.

We all have incredible things.

My life changed when I tried to take a look there.

How can I make it possible to try to see...
It's every casual act of everyday life
It's about doing it carefully with all your heart so that it's spun with great care.

Each and every one of the acts that I usually do without thinking about anything...
Eating, sleeping, bathing, washing your face, changing clothes, walking down the street...
Please be aware of it yourself and do it carefully.

It won't change in a week or so.
You have to keep going slowly over a few years, but I think there will always be something you can see.
It's a sublime part of your heart.

It would be very unfortunate for them to die on their own without finding it.
Please stay alive.

As you already know, everything in this world is impermanent.
Everything has changed.
It's the same for yourself.
It means you can change.
The illness you were born with may not change in your short life.
However, I think the desire to die can be changed.

Have you read the book?
What is written is easy to understand, but it's difficult for me to execute it myself.
But let's continue with us in the effort to implement it.
To make an effort is to live.
To not make an effort is to be dead.
Let's live together.

The illness in your profile isn't due to your personality; it's a disease you were born with.
As for future living expenses, if you have a notebook or a medical certificate from a hospital, you may be able to get welfare.
Please take what you can get properly.
It's a right, isn't it?
You don't have to compare yourself to the people around you.
You have your own path.

When I was searching for that disease on the internet earlier, I saw a blog of someone who has the same illness but is working hard.
I'll post it for reference.
http://nonono7.blog12.fc2.com/blog-entry-414.html
After all, it's been quite a struggle.
But it's positive.

You, too, should not bully yourself by thinking that you have to work.
Please be kind to yourself.
If you're the only person you can rely on, at least acknowledge yourself and forgive yourself.

You can ask questions on a regular basis.
Please don't hesitate to ask any questions.

appending
You've seen some goals in life.
I want to work, right?
You want to use your work as a reason to live.

You are smart because you have writing skills, but communication disorder due to illness may be a bottleneck.
When looking for a job at Hello Work or a consultation desk for people with disabilities, etc., it is better to search for a workplace that understands your illness.
There is no need for flexibility, and I think it would be good to have a job where you don't have to do fixed tasks.
I hope you can find a workplace that understands the disease.

If anything happens again, please ask.
I will be saddened when you die.