I want to die

I saw the question
Dreaming about death is sweet.
It makes me feel so comfortable like a dream.
It seems that they are particular about how to die, but in dreams where you think about death, even if you deny it “it's different,” some heroic parts and the main character parts of the tragedy are included.
It includes places where you are drunk.
I remember Tetsuya Takeda saying that imagining death is very similar to dreaming about sex. It's impossible to understand all of you just by reading the questions, but from between the lines of the document, I felt like they were talking about masturbation in place of death.
It's a private matter, but 3 days ago, a neighbor jumped off the 5th floor and died. I suffered from kidney disease due to medical error and underwent kidney dialysis for 5 years, suffering from physical disorders, dialysis pain, and dietary restrictions.
I was talking about how difficult every day is even though I haven't had a long time since I was 70 years old. Even so, they didn't lose their brightness, and when I said hello, they were surprised to return greetings in such a way that I was surprised. That person died. It seemed like I couldn't even jump off the 5th floor, open the lid of the coffin, and see the face of death...
I cried. I was so sad and frustrated that I burst into tears.
People who remain in this world even after they die in their lifespan are sad.
Also, death is not imaginary; it is a reality that always comes. It's fine while you play while imagining death, but also think about what will happen in real life.
If a child dies, there are some people who comfort the bereaved family on the surface, and there are also some people who hit the back, rejoice in misfortune, and spread gossip without being told, “There's no house over there...”
That's part of reality.
You can decide for yourself what to do.
I've decided that if I ask someone, they can stop it.
I think I should stop dying too.
It's not as good as you might think.

Shitatsu-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is a humble answer to the question.

“I want to die while being convinced that it's my fault”...

As I read your question, I suddenly thought of the teaching of the Jodo Shinshu sect, “villain Seiki.”

“Good people get over the past, bad people and bad people”

By understanding “bad luck,” I thought and looked at a way of life that suits and rewards Amida Nyorai by understanding “bad luck,” I thought there might be something good to be gained.

“Bad Man Masaki” Wikipedia
https://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E6%82%AA%E4%BA%BA%E6%AD%A3%E6%A9%9F

What Amitabha wants to save is sentient beings. All sentient beings are ordinary “villains” who live in an apocalyptic world. Therefore, it means that only those who have been awakened to be “villains” will know that they are the target of Amitabha Buddha's salvation.

I pray for good deeds.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

work. Otherwise, study.