Husband's manners

Nice to meet you. I was finally able to ask a question. Thank you very much. I have a daughter who is not 1 year old and I am raising children.

After giving birth, I was certainly frustrated due to hormones, etc., and treated my husband coldly. My husband had the opposite attitude, and I quit my job during pregnancy and had no income, etc., and giving opinions became a hassle, and our conversations gradually decreased.

Then, when I was cleaning my husband's room, I found evidence and it solidified for a moment, but I spent a sleepless night without listening for two or three days.

But finally I couldn't stand it, and I risked my life to raise your child, don't lick me! I was flabbergasted. It's better than being made by an outside lover, but until then, they were serious people who had no connection with manners (maybe I just believed).

After I got married, I was only concerned about sloppy things, it wasn't fun, and the frequency decreased, and we discussed sex over and over again. I've also been told that if it's no good, I'll go with the customs, but while crying, I try my best to just stop doing that, but after all, the number of things that I can't meet my husband's demands has increased so much, and we have discussions again. I was wondering if the couple's bond would become stronger once they had children, and after working hard due to age, I was lucky enough to get pregnant several times. To be honest, I felt comfortable thinking that I wouldn't have to have sex with my husband for a while once I was pregnant. After I became pregnant, childcare had settled down, and I was just wondering if it was about time I had to respond to my husband's demands.

It's hard to look at my face, and on weekdays, my husband goes to bed before he gets home, and then he wakes up after going to work. We always meet face to face on Saturdays and Sundays, so we talk to the minimum necessary.

Even when I talked to my friends and parents, my feelings didn't clear up at all, and even though I decided to forgive, I lost trust and affection, and it's a difficult day to look at them.

I have one reason why I became a person who does this kind of thing. If I put up with it, it would be good if I tried to look forward, but even now, over a month later, I still don't know how to deal with my husband. If my feelings don't change as it is, I plan to leave the house with my daughter when I get a regular job and have plans for life. But I have a feeling that I would like to spend my old age with my husband if possible.

Could you give me some words? Thank you for your support.

5 Zen Responses

There must be no discrimination between men and women, but it is important to acknowledge differences between them!

A husband who doesn't turn out the way you want him to. A wife who doesn't turn out the way her husband wants.
The cause is a difference in ideas about sex life, and the solution to each other's worries and suffering is easy if the wife can do away with sexual activity. My husband, on the other hand, was worried about not being satisfied with his sexual desires, and relied on customs where the solution could be processed with money, but if it wasn't a custom, where did it originate, or whether it was criminal behavior or searching for a different woman that suits you, but what you expected the most painful desire from your husband is a heart of “patience.” There are things people can put up with and things they can't put up with. In particular, as is the case with most men, my husband was no exception.
There are three relationships that affect people in sex. One is in order to continue supporting the human world with prosperous offspring, and the second is because there is rationality as a way to confirm love, so it is the easiest act to understand, so this idea makes a great reason for divorce. Third, it is pleasure in a delicate position. So how is the husband in a delicate position who relies on manners and customs legally, white or black in difficult places? Is it in a gray state? Then there is no possibility that your thoughts and actions will be a reason for divorce, and they may become a source of legal misconduct.
It is the most important act of living creatures in this world, whether good or bad, and is inseparable. However, if you look at animals other than humans, the reproductive period (peak) is limited, and nothing else is absolutely impossible, but there is no such division in the human world, but this is because if the reproductive period is over, humans perish. When that period comes, men and women don't work, and they all run into acts night or day, and the couple disappear from this world, and it becomes scary if you imagine it without considering it as a crime. From this, we must also be aware of how important it is for humans. Reality is not made of only beautiful things; there are always two sides, black and white, right and wrong, and accepting it firmly is equipped with an eye and heart to see the truth.
It would be difficult from your point of view!
My current husband is still young, and when he gets to a certain age, he usually becomes a man.
Please let them know a little bit about that too.

If you look at your thoughts a little closer to your husband's thoughts, you can see peace of mind and peace at home.
I hope that you will be able to overcome this and be able to think that such a thing also happened at that time. I hope both of you are happy!

Good morning.
Thank you for the late question.
Is it okay for children to cry at night?
You don't have to blame yourself.

I probably didn't think Moko was this worried.

Which do you share your life with, Moko or customs
Which one do you take, children or customs
I don't think there is a weight in manners and customs that can be said to be more important than home.

It's not just an affirmation of sexual desire, and if I had a little more gentle gaze, care, and enthusiasm for the family and child-rearing, I wouldn't have had to come up with this much thought.
Buddhism is not a teaching that justifies desire.
As a man like my husband, I apologize for the lack of consideration.

I personally don't intend to deny manners and customs,
I have seen many cases where people got hurt due to customs, and the gears in their homes went crazy.

Even if you don't say anything and put up with it, you can't expect the other person to change, and it's just painful for yourself.
Even though I think I'm putting up with it, I'm encouraging my opponent's selfishness as a result.
I've seen a few such cases.

What should I tell you
Maybe my husband had a reason too,
I'm really sad that I was involved in a custom.
I'm still hurt all the time now.

I would be happy if you could listen to Moko's words of comfort, make up, and have not only my own desires but also a look at children, but I have no choice but to look forward to her husband's ability.

Please don't blame yourself.

Please wait patiently for the time to ripen.

Thank you for raising children every day.

It is said that they have discovered evidence that their husband was involved in the customs...

When finding that evidence,
Were you able to find it right away?
Or was it just a form where they just asked you to find it?
If you were able to find it so easily, that might be some kind of message, right?

After all, there is no doubt that it was caused by not having much marital life before and after pregnancy, and in addition to that, a cold response to the husband from frustration due to hormonal balance after delivery.

If you want to “spend your old age with your husband,” there is a newborn child between the two of you.
The attitude of your woman, who is currently avoiding contact with her husband as much as possible, and the state of the couple that is only pretentious should be changed as soon as possible for the sake of your children.
Also, unlike when you're in a relationship, it's natural that when you get married, you can see the parts you don't like about each other.
They are married and married in recognition of such a part.

It will also be necessary to make an effort to acknowledge and accept each other.

Also, you yourself feel that “you have one reason” for your husband becoming like this... Please face your husband firmly once again.
There's no point in talking to your friends or parents.
It's meaningless if you don't have time to talk with your husband over and over again.

Please don't put up with your honest feelings and thoughts now (points relating to customs, points related to childcare, etc.)

There is a term called “sottakunoki”, but the act where the chicks try to break the shell from the inside in order for the chicks to hatch from the egg is called pecking, and the behavior of the parent bird trying to break the shell from the outside without getting in the middle when listening to the sound of the chicks pecking at the shell is called pecking.
If the environment is prepared like this and the time isn't ripe
Damn, the timing of pecking can't be right.

You and your wife are probably in a state or environment where they don't understand each other right now.

Maybe it's time to set up a place for lots of discussions and wait for the time to ripen.
I pray that a good couple will come to fruition.
Ryusuke Gassho

Think about your child too and talk about it

They became husband and wife, and a child was born...
It would have been a happy situation, but...

I think it's going to be a big worry when you can't get tired after giving birth.
Women really risk their lives when they give birth to children.
If something goes wrong one step at a time, the lives of both mother and child are at risk,
It's exactly the birth of a life that risked life,
I want men in the world to keep that in mind first.

Especially for a while after delivery, there is a very difficult period of nervous and mental pain due to hormones.
The more hair falls out, the more exhausted the mother's body is.

I want men in the world to know more and more about the risks that mothers face during childbirth and childcare. Other than cheating and manners!!!
I want my mother, who risked her life, to prostrate.

... so, on to the main subject
Romantic feelings can change so quickly.

If you don't sublimate them from romantic feelings into charity, a married couple won't last long.
Moreover, it is necessary to create that charity anew every day.

Charity is not give and take.
Your opponent will do this to you, so I'm not going to do it for you either.
I want to make an effort to understand the other person and take care of them and make them happy.

However, if this is unbalanced on both sides, cracks will occur.

In particular, I think it is necessary to take a close look at the reality that there are differences in sexual habits.
How can we solve each of their suffering...
Of course, it's not a custom, and I think we have some way to solve it ourselves.
I would like them to try their ingenuity.

I think being married is similar to a fusion of completely different cultures. Understand each other's differences in values,
If we don't have thorough discussions, respect each other, and take care of each other, it could turn into a war.
And if diplomatic relations become a breaking point, a great relationship won't be a learning experience for life.

Moreover, when it comes to children, there is only one group of parents who are related by blood.
Bringing up words such as divorce in a nutshell
Please be aware that it is also a statement that shakes the reason for your child's existence.

We recommend that you have a thorough conversation without being carried away by momentary emotions.

I understand how you feel.

Nice to meet you, Moko. I am a female monk with 2 children (3 and 1 year old) and pregnant. Men's sexuality directed at people other than themselves is complicated... or rather, it creates a sense of disgust, doesn't it?
I had a similar experience, and after giving birth for the first time, I didn't feel like having sex with my husband. There were no manners or cheating (I think), but the “desire” from my husband felt like pressure, and I didn't want to see or touch my face. Why was that? When I think about it, I think it's because I didn't feel like I was able to share childcare, which was the most important thing for me at the time, under pressure, with my husband. “It's just me. The thought “why am I the only one” came first, and even the actions of my husband who helped me were taken as “that's all.”
One day, my husband was away from home for a long time. At that time, I noticed that my husband was following me. “They were throwing away the trash.” “It's hard to take a bath, isn't it?” It's a small thing, but I was so happy that I burst into tears. Then I took the plunge (with a lot of patience) and tried having sex. My husband “accepted me,” and I was conscious not to forget to look at my husband's positive side, so even now that I'm pregnant, we can smile with each other and talk about not being able to have sex.
I've heard that in the Jodo Shinshu sect, you can't completely abandon your “self,” so they leave it to the Buddha. Since I'm obsessed with my ego, my husband's kindness is “not enough. and more!” I couldn't see it as it was. I've been recovering my feelings by observing my husband's behavior, saying “let's find good points,” but now nothing but the words “thank you” come up (of course we fight a lot (laughs))
“I don't like manners. I don't want anyone other than me. I think the reason I don't want to have sex with you right now is because I can't afford it. As it is now, I can only think of it as an outlet for sexual desire, so I want you to think that they want to have sex because they like me.” Like that, why don't you ask for it while being spoiled? Men don't seem to be good at being told to “help me.” If you specifically say “I want you to help me,” they will always cooperate. If that doesn't change anything, I think divorce is good too. Making children happy is also a parent's job, but making Moko happy and smiling is also a child's happiness.
Let's do our best together in raising children and living as a couple!

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