Family name change due to marriage

I'm also a woman, so I understand it very well. Changing your last name makes you feel so lonely, doesn't it?
It's not like I'm breaking ties with my parents and family at my parents' house, but when I think about not being able to name myself anymore, I feel like I'm leaving the person I've lived until now, and it seems like a big decision that will end there.

It's not something obvious, is it? It's hard to break up wondering why you have to let go of something important, isn't it? That's how proud they are, aren't they?

Why don't you share your honest feelings with him too? I think they also felt sad that it was decided that their surname would change as a matter of course.

What does it mean to get married? How will our environment and lifestyle change? I wish we could think about it together and be convinced instead of either one of them matching up with the other. I think that's what living together means.

I also use my husband's last name, so there are times when I want to meet my old self. Right now, I have lived under two surnames, and I am also happy. Probably because I was able to meet people who loved me by calling this name.

Everything is impermanent. Humans will die out at some point, so there will come a time when even surnames will die out someday.
So in the end, it's a “whichever one is fine” problem, so let's calm down by looking at it on a cosmic scale (from the Buddha's point of view) once.
On top of that, there is no choice but to discuss it with your partner.
In addition to the name issue, there may also be a way to compromise by giving and taking, such as which place close to the parents' house to live in, nursing care for future parents, etc.
I think it's also a good idea to choose to leave someone with an unusual last name.
Also, when 2 or more children are born, there is a possibility that each child will inherit the names of both families.
Common names can also be used in everyday life..
In Buddhism, obsession causes worry, suffering, and stress, so it can be said that it is better to abandon obsessions (close to enlightenment).
Letting go of one's surname on the family register is also an ascetic practice that creates a heart of “abandonment (dismissal),” and is thought to lead to merit (having good habits in one's heart leads to rapid enlightenment and attainment of Buddhism).
So, I would be happy if you cherish the spirit of “abandoning” that there are advantages to both leaving your last name and throwing it away, and that either is fine.

I think it's an ideal relationship to be able to say that it's OK to change each other's surnames.
It's a matter of feelings, so if you think you'll change your last name and become far away from your parents, it might be a good idea to balance the place you live after marriage by living close to the parents' house of the person who changed your last name. If you change your last name, your pocket money is 10,000 yen more.
Please talk to each other and try to find a compromise.
Personally, I'm in a group where any last name is fine. It seems like everyone will be Sato in a few hundred years, and I think it might be more fun to leave an unusual surname.
I hope a good compromise can be found.

I saw your consultation. It was a very important time, and the feeling of being troubled by the theme of “what to do with your last name” was often conveyed. When thinking about marriage, it is natural for hearts to be shaken because it is not just a “surname,” but because it involves your connection and identity with your own family.

・Thoughts contained in the surname
A surname is not just a symbol; it contains “my history with my family” and “my own history up until now.” The feeling that “I don't want to change” is so natural that I have memories and support from my particularly precious family. It's definitely not selfish.

There is a word “edge” in Buddhism. Instead of being bound by differences in surnames, what is important is that “relationships continue no matter what surname you have.” However, even so, in reality, feelings may remain stuck.

・His position and yours
When he said “because he's the eldest son,” I think he probably expressed the values of the world in general as they were. However, it is natural to be sad if it is imposed as “natural” as it is.
The important thing is not “which one is right,” but rather carefully conveying each other's feelings. Understanding both the reason you have feelings for your last name and the background he thinks “because he's the eldest son” will be an important foundation for your future life.

・How to organize your mind
I remember over and over again, “Family ties cannot be broken even if the surname changes.”
The surname is the shape, and the relationship is the heart. Even if your last name changes, your bond with your parents and grandparents won't change.

If the feeling of loneliness remains no matter what, check your connection with your daily habits.
You can keep a distance of mind through small acts, such as getting in touch with your parents' house frequently and writing the names of your family members in your diary.

In discussions, tell them “My feelings are not selfish, they are important things involving deep parts of the heart.”
Talking carefully without hiding your feelings will strengthen your relationship of trust with him.

・To tie
Choosing your last name is a big once-in-a-lifetime choice. The important thing is not to “be forced to change,” but to “make a choice after being convinced by yourself.” If you have that sense of satisfaction, even if you change your surname, it won't leave a trace in your heart.

Gassho