My wife told me to get divorced

We have been married for about 10 years and have children aged 7 and 3.
The relationship began to deteriorate from around October last year, and although they made up in places, it felt like they were able to surpass the situation...
I was told that I want them to get divorced already after repeating the same repetition several times, that I want to be freed from this stress, that getting divorced rather than putting up with it for my children and not getting divorced can make my children happy, but my dad wants them to do it.
I know it's too late, but I was told that my feelings didn't change anymore, that it would be too late after this happened, and that there were plenty of opportunities to change, even though they just wanted to reconsider it one more time, and I was told that there were plenty of opportunities to change.
The cause of the divorce was that I couldn't clearly say what I thought I was dissatisfied with and I closed the shutter to my partner. It's not easy to switch between them, and it takes a long time. My wife said that she was already tired of thinking about what she did and what was wrong, and that she wanted to be relieved of this stress.
I'm still asking you to let me think about it, but I really don't know what to do. No matter what I say, they don't want to change. When I look at the children's sleeping faces and talk, I almost cry thinking that this everyday life has already come to an end.
It hurts my heart to just think about that on a daily basis. please help me.

4 Zen Responses

I don't just think about that on a daily basis

You may have a “darkness” where you only think about one thing on a daily basis, not limited to divorce cases.
Information that doesn't change even if you think about it for 10 minutes isn't much different when you think for 10 hours.
So, the best salvation for you is to reduce the “courageous circulation of thoughts.”
Repeating thoughts with the same content over and over again in the same information and amplifying anger and sorrow (continuing to secrete bad feelings in the brain) is toxic to you.
Now, even if you get divorced, it's not good to lose your role as a parent, such as child support, visitation, pick-up and drop off, and participation in school events.
Even if they get divorced, they are father and mother for children.
If you were to show them fighting every day, please be happy parents when you meet them once in a while.
Please be sure to pay (or get) child support.

Selfishness and others (I'm already tired)

It seems that “no matter what you say,” your wife's intention to divorce is firm, but there is also a possibility that you are unknowingly “saying it back.” If you say it back, your opponent will be upset.
It's not something I was able to say, but I would say that negotiations begin by putting on the other person's shoes. In other words, it is about sincerely empathizing with the other person's feelings and deepening understanding of that position.
If you don't feel comfortable alone, ask for help from a third party. Mutual friends, acquaintances, parents, siblings, counselors, etc.
Instead of clashing emotions into each other

“A place to just calmly listen to what the other person is saying”

I think there are times when you can find a good answer by setting it up.
Try putting weight on the breath you exhale and bringing the high air to your lower stomach. It calms you down instantly.

Think about the happiness of your wife and children rather than yourself

It seems that she was shocked when her wife told her about her divorce.
The relationship deteriorated almost a year ago, and after trying to improve it many times, they came to this conclusion, so it seems difficult to start over.
The wife is surely correct in her opinion that if you get divorced, you will be relieved of stress and that your children will also be happy.
This may be difficult, but there is no choice but to give up cleanly.
On top of that, let me give you one piece of advice.
I was a little worried when I read the sentence “I almost cry when this everyday life is over,” but aren't you only thinking about your own happiness?
From now on, please do your best for the happiness of your wife and children who have broken up.
Of course, you should support your separated wife and children financially, and be a good father who can serve as an example for your children.
In the words of Dogen Zenji, there is a saying, “Toshiyuki is one law, and it favors oneself and others everywhere.”
It means that if you do your best for others, it will definitely work for yourself.
So if your wife reviews you, the results are great, but even if that's not the case, I'm sure you'll be happy too.

Why don't you look for a counselor that deals with marital issues in the prefecture and go have a consultation with your wife? My wife said, “I understand how you feel. I also think positively about divorce. Why don't you just listen to the opinions of experts on whether it's better to get divorced?” Please try inviting them.
Today, 30% of couples are divorced, but I think there are also disadvantages due to divorce. Children get infected from school and are infected by parents who live with them. At that time, I'm worried that if my mother is alone, I won't be able to take care of her or do housework. Being selected as an officer of a children's association or PTA may be difficult, and there are concerns about crime prevention. Other stresses may increase even if you don't know the reason and your husband is in a bad mood disappears and you are relieved of stress.
The best thing is to say what you want to say to your wife properly, and maybe not be in a bad mood no matter what you ask her or what happens. Also, it seems that the cause of divorce is that many complaints have piled up, so there may also be causes that you are unaware of that are not written here.
If counseling is far away and it is difficult to go out, please use Hasunoha's online individual consultation.
Please have your wife take a look at these questions and answers too.

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