The self-loathing loop is painful

What's wrong with that? Isn't that good. I love myself, even if I'm not perfect.

I also want you to cherish the courage to be disliked. It's tough being evaluated by those around you, being liked by those around you, and adapting to your expectations, isn't it? Wouldn't you struggle if you had to become the “me” drawn by those around you? That's who I am for those around me, not who I really am.

Me too, I just get lazy, have feelings of being spoiled, and sometimes think (ah, that's bothersome). I'm sure you won't be able to meet the expectations of those around you, and you might be disappointed. But this is me too, and it's the best for me.

In the first place, they don't cause trouble, they don't take care of anyone, and there are no people alive. Everyone is able to live in this way thanks to someone else.
Reliance and indulgence are a way of life where you value yourself, and it's wonderful to live while appreciating those around you.

We recommend that you follow the instructions of a specialist when it comes to treating depression.
From my point of view, I recommend zazen as general advice for those of you who can't get out of negative thoughts or get caught up in one thought.
At IT companies in the US, mindfulness (zazen, meditation, and mindfulness are different in detail, but I think you can think that the benefits are almost the same) became a big boom a while ago, and it is likely that you have heard that even private rooms have been set up in offices.
There's no better way to learn the skills to drive distractions out of your head (although some training is required).
As a monk of the Soto sect, I always practice zazen in my room for a fixed amount of time every morning.
Even for a short time, I definitely recommend that you make it a habit.
Many books on zazen, meditation, and mindfulness have been published.
I won't list specific book titles here, but it might be better to read a few books first.
If a zazen session is being held at a nearby temple, etc., it would be a good idea to participate in it.
You may be having a hard day out of school right now, but I hope that later, you will be able to think back to yourself that you are now full of confidence since you had a good rest at that time.

I'm going to talk about how I would think if I were you.
If I were to put myself in your position right now, I would aim to start by stopping negative thought circuits and negative thoughts.
Negative thoughts are all you need to do is put the brakes on negative thoughts.
Fun soap bubbles (thoughts) and negative soap bubbles also float in your brain throughout the day, but if you break the brakes for a limited time, only negative soap bubbles, all that remains after that is positive and learning.
Therefore, when you first notice that negative thoughts have arisen, you immediately refrain from doing so for yourself as well.
why?
This is because when you take medicine that improves your state of mind, even if you take medicine without being able to drive safely for your own mind, which is essential, the root will not heal, and it will not be a treatment.

That's why people in the old days aspired to zazen when they were worried and suffering and didn't know what to do.
At first glance, zazen seems like nothing, but it “shifts the brain from thought first to fact first, and focuses on the function of saving oneself through what is being experienced and contact with things and things. When it comes to facts, things you experience, things you encounter, things you encounter at the time of first contact, there are no negative feelings on this side... attached to them! I often stare at that. (Let's take a look at it now) By doing that, no matter what thoughts come to mind, they won't become your own. It's just that the soap bubbles of your mind are bubbling, and they're just floating in a state where they aren't your own. That's why it looks like they're untouched.
Then, the soap bubbles, which no one else is dealing with, quietly disappear. The mind is no longer affected by the thoughts it creates in its own mind.
When one becomes unaffected by the thoughts created in one's own mind, and furthermore, the fire of those thoughts, soap bubbles, and candles of thoughts becomes smaller, and well... a quiet place where no one is affected at all opens. Furthermore, when one's active consciousness to look at it is destroyed, the mind reaches the ultimate quiet nirvana of the human mind that Shakyamuni has attained.
Seen from the edge, the monk's zazen and meditating things seem meaningless. no. It has the merit of changing lives. why?
You do something. This is because in that instant you won't be able to add your own thoughts.

I felt a pain in my heart as I read your carefully written feelings. Talking openly about yourself up to this point is already a great deal of courage, and it is proof that you haven't let go of the “light” in your heart.

① The vortex of “self-denial” is a symptom of “mental illness”
When you're depressed, it's easier to feel “I'm no good” as if it had weighed on your heart. This is not a weakness of character, but a symptom of the disease itself. It is close to the state of “ignorance (ignorance)” in Buddhism, and it is a function of the mind that makes it difficult to see the right things correctly. Therefore, please first understand that the sense of self-loathing and self-blame you are feeling right now is not a “truth,” but a “voice of illness.”

② From “someone else's axis” to “me who only needs to breathe”
In the Shingon sect, it is explained that “all sentient beings have Buddhism (all sentient beings).” There is equal Buddhism within you and in others. Before you meet someone's expectations or fix your shortcomings, I just want you to remember that “I am here and now” is already a precious person.

③ A “living person” is better than a “person who doesn't cause trouble”
We all live our lives supported by someone and bothering others. Monks are no exception. That's why there's no need to aim for a “perfect self that doesn't cause trouble.” “I'm breathing here and now” is worth enough.

④ Don't blame the “heart that seeks approval”
The desire for approval is a natural human activity. Rather, it is precisely because they have it that they seek connections and try to grow. Rather than accusing them of asking for “indulgence,” please accept “this is the natural voice of my heart.” In Buddhism, “mercy” begins by turning to oneself.

⑤ Summary
The “sense of self-loathing and emptiness” you are feeling right now is a symptom of illness, not your essence.

No matter how negative your feelings are, you are precious to have them.

It's not perfection that doesn't cause trouble to others, just “living me” is enough.

This small practice eventually becomes a step from “the self you don't like yourself” to “the self that you embrace as you are.” Right now, you've already begun to walk that path.

Gassho