The fight between my mother and sister is painful due to regret and guilt

I have a wife and children and live with my real mother
The relationship between my daughter-in-law and mother-in-law isn't bad, but I've heard my mother complain about my wife on the phone to my sister. My sister even called me asking me to take better care of it.
My mother is dissatisfied with the fact that my wife leaves her children with me and often goes home for parental care and housework. I cooperate with my wife, and I will protect her no matter what.
My mother often goes to my sister, and there were times when I was wondering if the couple were complaining about something.
My mother had an affair and my parents got divorced. My father passed away, but I took the lead in taking care of my father for close to 10 years, and my younger sister was almost uninvolved. My father was no longer able to farm, so I cultivated and protected the farmland, but my sister, who had no farming experience, started insisting on inheritance, and the procedure has not progressed.
My mother is laid-back when it comes to money. I have paid for things such as tax arrears, rent arrears during separation before divorce, and my sister's loan arrears. I've been getting along well with things from the past by pouring them down the water,
The other day, it was discovered that something new was delinquent, so I had the opportunity to talk about the past, and I showed them my old delinquent payment certificate and told them that I had paid, but I didn't know that, and the certificate was thrown away.
I was so taken aback that I grabbed my mother's hand and pulled her.
They were severely attacked by violence, and although they apologized, the relationship remains bad.
It's hard to feel anxious that we'll never go back to our old relationship.
There were times when I felt like I was bothered a lot, but when I saw that she was talking to my sister about everything without being apologized, I couldn't get bogged down
Separation was also considered, but there is also rice field management and domestic work in the countryside, so I can't get over it when I think about the house as the eldest son.

I want to be kind to my parents so they don't regret it, I want to be nice, and I want to have normal conversations like before, but my mother's attitude is firm, and casual everyday conversations have disappeared, so it's hard.
I blame myself and feel bad, and I regularly use sleeping pills and anti-anxiety drugs.
It's been a long time, and I don't think it's coherent, but thank you for your support.

4 Zen Responses

Please be a good understanding person for your wife. Prioritize your own happiness.

You should take good care of your wife as before.
My mother-in-law doesn't talk about what my son and his wife are doing. This is the key to success.

What is wrong with leaving my child with my husband to take care of my parents? She is a kind wife who takes care of her biological parents, and your parents over there are parents for you as well. “Don't worry about this, greet your parents. I'm sorry I wasn't able to directly support you. He is a good husband only when he says, “Let me take care of the kids.”

Your mother is only thinking about her own affairs, and she doesn't seem to be satisfied that your wife values her biological parents or that your wife lets her husband (you) raise children, but she is gender biased. Do you want to say don't forget that you're the wife on this side? Well, I feel sorry for my wife.

Your sister probably believes her mother's words, so she probably isn't grateful for what you and your wife have done for your mother.

As before, if you make your mother complain to your daughter (sister) and say it too harshly, it's better if you embarrass yourself.

Your mother will also gradually be able to come to terms with her own position. Thanks to your husband and wife, living together has come true, and you can live comfortably both financially and in terms of life.
I think it's your mother who's afraid of being told to separate from you.

Please continue to be a good understanding person for your wife. Prioritize your own happiness.

There seems to be a lot of dissatisfaction, but let's deal with it calmly.
The fact that a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law don't get along is a normal thing that has been around for a long time, so I don't think you need to take it seriously. Please create opportunities for them to deepen friendship, such as doing housework together, shopping together, and going on trips together.
If there is something that is delinquent on payment, before you pay, “Haven't you paid this ○○ fee yet? Can mom pay? Shall I pay for you?” It's a good idea to ask. If you do that, you won't be able to say “I paid” even if you pay.
If your mother is laid-back with money, you'll manage the family's assets.
If my sister blames me for something, she said, “If you say that, you can take your mom in.” You should say it back and forth.
Please continue to take good care of your wife and children.
That's because it's good for a wife to take care of her parents.
Also, I was a little concerned about inheritance.
I think it's better to talk to an attorney as soon as possible.
Worst of all, I might have to give 25% of my house and farmland to my sister. Since it is impossible to divide the house, for example, you may inherit 50% of the farmland to your sister. There is a time limit (not long) for asking my sister to annul the inheritance.
If you lose your farmland, you may have to look for other jobs.
It's always going to be a problem later. Sibling relationships often deteriorate due to inheritance.
It would be nice if my little sister's husband was cooperative, but if he was a greedy person, it would be even more troublesome.
So please talk to your lawyer as soon as possible.

Please don't blame yourself

I read it.
I read your difficult position and feelings. I don't know the details about you, your mother, sister, or wife, but it really conveys your painful feelings, and I feel like I understand them very well. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
Everyone may have rights under the current law, but since you work hard and continue farming, everyone can live with peace of mind.
After all, let's make both your mother and sister clearly understand what you are doing.
To that end, it may be necessary for a fair third party to ask your mother or sister to give up.
I think the people around me understand it to some extent, but farm work is difficult. Let everyone understand how precious and difficult it is to keep protecting it.
Everyone has the right to live with peace of mind, but there are also duties that must be done well and the obligation to understand and support them.
People who exert their rights and only demand due to selfish selfishness or immediate desires will eventually become isolated and unhappy.
I think it's okay if you clearly explain your mother's reckless debts and refuse them.
Let's ask lawyers, fair third parties, and public agency counselors to pay attention to that point as well.
And please never blame yourself; let's take care of yourself and your wife and help each other. Please take a good rest, rest both mentally and physically, and nourish your energy.
I sincerely pray to Buddha, God, and your ancestors so that you can continue to be compassionate, help and respect each other, and that you can live every day with everyone rich in heart and health, and that you can live with everyone while sharing happiness. And I wholeheartedly support you. We wholeheartedly agree

How to heal parent-child struggles

From the text, the pain of being torn between the conflict with the mother over many years, the sense of unfairness with the younger sister, the heavy responsibilities of home, fields, and housework, and the sincerity of “wanting to be kind to parents” is conveyed deeply.

There is a word “favor” in Buddhism. This is explained in the sense of not forgetting “the blessing of life received from parents,” but at the same time, it also has the implication of “don't blame yourself for not being able to return the favor.” Even with parents and children, there are “misunderstandings” caused by career (behavior), personality, and past accumulation, and it is often not possible to solve this with the power of children alone. The anger and frustration you are feeling right now is rather the opposite of your wish to “cherish your kindness.”

First, engrave what you've done in your mind and acknowledge, “I've made it this far.” It was not an act of blame; it was an act of mercy to protect the home and support the parents. In Buddhism, such acts are called “merits (merits).” Merit always builds up in the heart, and it gives you strength to support yourself.

Repairing your relationship with your mother doesn't have to be forcibly “undone.” If you force them to reach a settlement, the hurt may even deepen. It's important to limit yourself to things you can do within a range that doesn't upset your heart, such as small everyday greetings or brewing tea, and separate them with “this is fine for today.”

Also, I feel so exhausted that I have to rely on medicine. Don't blame yourself too much and prioritize protecting your own mind and body first. In the Shingon sect, there is a prayer that sends light to the heart of oneself and one's partner by chanting “Komyo Shingon.” Even when a grudge against your mother comes up, you can calm your heart by chanting “let there be light.”

While shouldering your responsibilities as the eldest son, you have already done enough. The parent-child relationship gradually softens with prayer and time, even if there is a sense of unfairness or anger in the past. Please believe in your true intention to “be kind” and continue to do what you can within that range. This is the way to protect your own heart and accumulate merit for the future.

Gassho

← all dialogues ← previous next →