A friend who has been cut off

Do you know the phrase ❝ when you put your sleeves together is a relationship with someone else ❞? The idea is that “meeting and breaking up” with various people is also called a “relationship” received from the Buddha.
Your encounter with “the person you promised “I'll go out with when I get a job in Tokyo” is probably a “relationship.”
Also, I met “friends I became good friends with on SNS,” and the fact that they were traveling together was a “relationship,” and “on the last day of the trip, my boyfriend suddenly contacted me saying “I have a girlfriend,” and I was shocked and broke down crying”... 💦.
I was only looking at my smartphone, and the fact that I “seemed uncomfortable and blocked” was also a “relationship”...
Life is a series of such “relationships.”
The question is whether it “becomes a good relationship” or a “bad relationship” depends on your “way of receiving and thinking.” At the bottom of their bellies, they judge “whether it was good or bad for me (centered on myself),” so they probably get angry or go on a rant “when things didn't go the way they wanted.”
In your case, you've “regretted it later or reflected on it,” so there's still something you can do to save it... 💚.
So, when various events occur, please try not to “react, respond, etc.” immediately, take a deep breath and “respond from the other person's point of view.” It's surprisingly difficult.
By the way, when you take a deep breath, Ikkyu-san's words; don't panic (panic) don't panic, take a break... try tweeting (tweeting) this 3 to 4 times. It should calm your mind somewhat.
Also, if you don't have a “relationship” with the people who have been blocked, give up and “listen to songs by your favorite band or go to live shows” and meet new “relationships.”
❝ It's okay, don't worry, it'll work out ❞... these are also Ikkyu-san's words... 💛. Gassho Nanmuikyu Zenji and Namu Amida Buddha

The events you have experienced are deep heartache where the triple suffering of betrayal in love, a break in a friendship relationship, and “being rejected without being understood” overlapped. Although it can happen to anyone, I think your loneliness and confusion right now is beyond words.

1. You're not a “bad person”
In Buddhism, there is a saying “affliction is bodhi.” The teaching is that emotions such as anger, jealousy, and sadness also directly become a path to enlightenment.
The reason you went on a rant was not “because I wanted to hurt someone,” but probably because “I couldn't bear any helpless pain.”
This is not “weakness,” but “proof that you have worked hard to the limit as a person.” Don't blame yourself too much.

2. What lies behind the wish “I want to apologize”
It's hard being denied words of apology. However, “repentance” in Buddhism is not just an act for the other person to accept it.
Repentance is “an inner prayer to repent of past actions and cleanse oneself.”
Even if the other person doesn't listen, just quietly chant “I'm sorry” and “thank you” within you, and that feeling will certainly come through.
Even if words don't get through, the heart of sincerity takes time to reach you like the wind.

3. About the pain of “not being able to listen to a band”
The band's music isn't just a “symbol of memories,” it's a sign of a miraculous connection you've connected to people.
Even if that relationship has now changed to “pain,” Buddhism calls it “impermanent”
I accept that everything is changing.
It doesn't matter if you can't listen to it right now.
Someday, when my mind calms down a little, there will always come a day when I can say “Thank you to everyone who made me come across this song.” That is when your “regeneration begins.”

4. Small practices you can do today

・When suffering builds up, acknowledge it by saying aloud, “This is heartache”

・Before going to bed at night, place your hand on your chest and feel your breath saying “I'm definitely alive now”

・Write “feelings I couldn't tell anyone” on a paper diary, not on SNS

5. summary
Even if the relationship seems broken, Buddhism explains that “the relationship changes shape and continues.”
Please believe that this event is a transit point for you to develop “true kindness.”
There is still power within you to love, believe in, and heal someone.
Don't be impatient, now is the time to calmly nourish your mind.

Gassho

Neither the band nor your personal story are necessary for this discussion

“I was mentally disturbed by trouble with my lover and hurt my unrelated friend.
I don't know if I'll be forgiven, but I sincerely apologize.”

this is all you need
That's all you need to do
Please do your best to get this far when you talk to others
If you get into a mental state where you can write this situation like this, you can always make up