I'm wondering if it was suicide or disappearance

I haven't been to work for a week. I told my workplace that I have a cold.
But the whole time, I just think about suicide. I think disappearing is also an option. While I understand that both cause trouble and suffering to families, I really want to give up.
I feel that my family is slightly aware that symptoms of past depression may have recurred again. However, I think I can get through this time as well as I have made it through so many times in the past.
There is a feeling that I didn't get through the past, and I just happened to be alive. At that time, I really wanted to die and disappear like I am now.
I don't think it can be solved just because I wrote it here. But I don't have a place to tell them anywhere, and I wanted a place to organize my feelings, so I'm writing this way. This may be the case if it is said that it was because of my regret for life, and as a result, if I disappeared after how many hours or days, I think it would mean that it was an act of making a decision rather than a regret.
There is no particular cause. My work is going relatively well, I have no particular reason to die, my family is happy, and I love my wife.
But even now, it's so painful that tears overflow. I wonder why.
I thought about jumping off from a high place, overdozing, suffocation, etc., and I've been searching on the internet the whole time.
My head is headed in a straight line towards death, and I feel like it's not normal.
I wonder what I should do.
I wonder if the answer is like, let's go 1 day ahead first. We can't go one step or one millimeter further, but is there no choice but to move forward?
How much time is left for me?
Is my desire to let me die nothing but arrogance on my part?

4 Zen Responses

Leave support to loved ones in order to make choices about how to live. Tell me about the present

Rather than your intention, the symptoms probably make you go that way... it's painful, isn't it?

I'm going to live with someone I love. Even though I know it's happiness, I can't hope to live, and I want to put an end to the present. It fills me up with that feeling.

It looks like they've disappeared
If I could go somewhere, I wonder if it would be easier...

I support bereaved families on a daily basis.
Time stops and the colors of everyday life are lost due to sad, lonely, and more than “why was that” parting for no reason. If possible, I'd like to hear why. Don't go in silence. Don't leave me alone. It makes me shed tears.

Telling someone you love what you have right now isn't bothersome; it's an important message.
I can know. Even in such circumstances, we can live together. No matter what happens to you in the future, you can live with those feelings in your heart.
Getting to know who you are now will also “support” your family's lives.

Also so that you can choose how to live your life the way you are. So that I can leave support for my loved ones. Why don't you tell me about now?
Something might change.
My wife is also living with you right now.
You're not alone.

Your Choices

The reason you keep thinking about suicide is definitely a recurrence of depression, and getting treatment from a psychiatrist seems to be the best course of action.
However, even if I tell you that, it won't change your current decision.
You must have continued to make significant contributions to society until now through your work.
Also, your family has probably always been supported by you as a husband or father.
It seems like a great deal to think that it's okay to give up such a role.
If you're unsure whether to commit suicide or disappear, I definitely recommend disappearing.
This is because if you have life, you can always start over with your life when you realize it.
Rather than that, my top recommendation is to become a monk.
Why don't you knock on the Buddha's gate, pretending to be dead once?
Buddhism is complete with doctrines and practices that make people truly happy.
There are many Buddhists who profess that “if I hadn't come across Buddhism, I would have committed suicide a long time ago.”
If you've lived a life completely unrelated to Buddhism until now, I recommend that you first buy a meditation book and start meditating at home.
That alone may be an opportunity for some people to look back at their own lives from a new perspective.
I believe Buddhism is a religion for people just like you.

Ren-sama

Other people probably don't understand the pain, pain, and depression of depression. Even if your beloved wife can understand the pain and suffering, she probably doesn't understand the depth of the darkness in your heart.
No one can understand their own suffering only by themselves.
On the other hand, if your heart is 100% filled with the pain of depression, that's probably not the case.
There are probably countless things in it, such as kindness, compassion, warmth, tolerance, serenity, brilliance, hope, courage, strength, etc. And then there is the seed that becomes a Buddha.
I think the “feeling that I happened to be alive” is because the part that wasn't filled with the pain of depression came into play, and I gave up on my depression without blaming myself. Why don't you take a step back and feel like you've taken a step away from your depression?
Then, let's think of a kind person from the feeling that they have withdrawn.

Kindness, compassion, serenity, and generosity flow into you from that image, and it feels like you're wrapped in something so fluffy that you accept who you are now, and you think you're adorable! with
I think.

If you do nembutsu, you can pass away in the Pure Land of Paradise

In the Jodo sect, it is explained that if you use Namu Amida Buddha and nembutsu, you can pass away (reincarnate) in paradise.
This is because it is written in the sutras that Amitabha Buddha was vowed and realized.
There will always come a time when everyone dies, so when they finally die, “Namu Amida Buddha” and “Namu Amidabu Namu Amidabu”
Try calling it Nembutsu () and Nembutsu.
Also, in everyday life
Namu Amidabu Namu Amidabu
Let's humble nembutsu.
No matter how you live or die, Amitabha has sworn that if you do nembutsu, you will always be welcomed into the Pure Land of Paradise, and he illuminates those who do nembutsu with the light of wisdom.
Please entrust everything to the great mercy of Amitabha Buddha and leave it up to me.
If you commit suicide or not, you can pass away if you nembutsu.
If you don't disappear or not, you can pass away if you nembutsu.
Whether you're absent from work or out of work, if you do nembutsu, you'll be saved from the torrent of greed, anger, laziness, and pride, and you can pass away in paradise.
Please be aware of the feeling that whether A or A is anything other than A, you can be saved.

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