Thank you for your kind and courteous responses as always.
I've made up my mind. I don't know when it will be though.
It was all too late, and I went crazy. My body is also in tatters.
It's rust that comes out of the body.
I still feel happy and moved by watching videos, but it's hard to live.
If you think about it round and round, you'll get stuck.
I turned down a group home last time. I wonder if my anxiety has grown since then.
I'm tired of living, and I feel like it's easier to die...
But that determination is also scary, isn't it?
Because they're connected.
Even short words are fine.
Let's talk like this.
I read it.
You've made up your mind to commit suicide, haven't you? I think you've had a very difficult time living through questions from before. I don't know the details of your heart, but I really understand your painful feelings.
You're worried that it's too late, and you think your head has gone crazy. And both mind and body are in tatters, aren't they?
You don't know when it will be, but you still want to die.
I think you're really cornered right now. I think I've run out of soul after trying so many things.
If possible, please take care of yourself first and take a good rest. You won't be able to think of anything right now, just relax and get some sleep.
You may not want to wake up anymore, and it may pop up in your head, but please sleep slowly.
Also, please give your mind and body a little rest.
After that, please slowly enjoy something warm or gentle on your body. Please heal your mind and body little by little.
The video might be good, but please go out for a bit and go see the mountains, the ocean, rivers, lakes, and grasslands. Please take a look at how various creatures are alive.
You are also living by receiving blessings amidst various encounters.
And please let us know how you feel again, and we look forward to welcoming you. We wholeheartedly agree
The fact that you have made up your mind to die may mean that you have no particular worldly goals.
So, aren't you interested in career advancement goals, or enlightenment?
After looking up basic knowledge of Buddhism such as impermanence, selflessness, and total suffering,
Try to keep the Five Commandments (don't kill, don't steal, don't lie, don't have an affair, don't drink alcohol) as much as possible,
If you try samatha meditation (practice of concentrating the mind) and vipassana meditation (practice of observing mental and physical phenomena as they are), you should be at least somewhat close to enlightenment.
If you do that, the worries, suffering, and stress of everyday life should be reduced.
Also, in the Jodo sect, they hope that even if they die without being enlightened in this world, they will be born in a pure paradise that is easy to understand in the next life
Namu Amida Buddha,
Namu Amidabu Namu Amidabu
Namu Amidabu Namu Amidabu
and humps Nembutsu.
If you call it Nembutsu, you can pass away in the Pure Land of Paradise, that is, if you think that the happy ending of your life will be confirmed, it will also lead to reducing the worries, suffering, and stress of everyday life.
So, if you're interested in career advancement goals (training that can be done right away to get closer to enlightenment, and confirming past paradise just by nembutsu right now), I would be happy if you could try using your remaining lifespan (time until your relationship with this world ends) for it.
At least, the Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, and gods will be delighted.
In Buddhist practice, the mind and body here are tools for ascetic practice.
Killing time through training is like getting a game console that you can play anytime, anywhere.
That's because training is possible even while waiting for the cash register at the supermarket.
I don't think everything is too late.
If you have a chance next time, try joining a group home.
If there is a Soto Sect or Rinzai Buddhist temple nearby that has a zazen session that the public can attend, please try attending.
Just taking a walk outside is good for mental health, isn't it?
If you have a dog, you can take care of your mental health by taking a walk and being cute.
It is said that a day of training in this world is equal to 100 years of ascetic practice in the other world.
You're doing amazing things just because you're alive right now.
The Buddha said.
To live is to make an effort.
To die is not to make an effort.
The Buddha is not looking for results. They say let's do our best to the extent that we can.
May your mind and body be healthy.