About not being able to meet my mother right before her death

Excuse me for the consultation.

A few months ago, my mother died of illness. I think it's too early to die.
My mother had been in the hospital a few days before she died.
I live alone, so I didn't know what my mother was like at that time. I had heard that she had been hospitalized, but another relative said, “My mother was hospitalized for an examination. Don't worry!” It was said.
Also, it seems that the relative said to her mother, “00 (me) will come later.” As I wrote earlier, I was told that I was “hospitalized for examination,” and the sympathy story wasn't talked about.
Regarding telling this lie, relatives said “I didn't want to worry about 00 (me)” but “I wanted to encourage my mother by telling them 00 would come.”
However, from the mother's point of view, she died in a state where “the daughter she had said would come did not come.” I think that's really awful. I think my mother despaired of me and died.
It's been hard thinking about this all the time. What should I think about my relatives who have told lies or my mother who has passed away?

5 Zen Responses

It becomes a light of kindness and love

Thank you for your consultation, Neko-sama.

First of all, I would like to express my sorrow for your mother. We offer our condolences and best wishes for peace of mind. Gassho prayer.

Now, it seems that we are now in a situation where we can't help but think, “Mother is hopeless...” but even now, if you convey your thoughts to your mother, and if you have faith in Buddhism, pray for attainment of Buddhism (if it's another religion, pray in that religion), your mother probably isn't hopeless.
Your mother's spirit leaves the shell of your body, becomes a free and peaceful state, becomes a light of kindness and love, and watches over you. You can't see it as an entity, but if you keep thinking about it, feelings of gratitude to your mother will always arrive.
I think it was certainly a sad and painful event that we weren't able to meet when we were about to die. Furthermore, people don't accept the death of a loved one, and they get angry, cry, and feel depressed. That emotional fluctuation is one of the tasks for mourning and healing death, so it's better to let it out without holding back your own emotions. (However, it is necessary not to cause too much trouble to others)
So, I don't know my relationships with my relatives up until now, but it's okay to honestly express my feelings.
However, as mentioned above, please keep thinking that your mother is the gentle light that watches over you. Also, even if you continue to hold grudges, you yourself will be exhausted, so it may not be easy to clear up, but try to keep yourself calm by skillfully using your sense of distance from your relatives.
Please refer to it.
If your sense of loss, resentment, or anger continues, please don't hesitate to contact us.
Gassho ceremony

PS: Thank you so much for your message. I think it would be nice if I could help you in a little while. When it's hard, don't hesitate to let out your feelings, even if it's not easy. I would like to thank you for this partnership. Regret

Your mother never left in despair with you.

I understand that your mother passed away so soon, and the regret of not being able to meet her at the end of her life, and the feeling that your heart was breaking. It's not unreasonable to blame yourself and feel angry that your relatives have no place to deal with it.

However, as a monk, I just want to tell you one thing. It means, “Your mother never left in despair with you.”

Your relatives' lies may have been the opposite of the clumsy yet desperate “kindness” of not putting extra worries on you and wanting your mother to have hope of living until the end. It hurt you as a result, but there must have been no malice there.

And above all, parents are the ones who care about their child's happiness first until the last moment. Rather than feeling resentful about “why isn't she coming,” they must have worried about you and gently called your name in your heart, saying, “Is that kid doing well?” and “Isn't she overdoing it?”

What makes your mother saddest right now is that you, your beloved daughter, blame yourself and continue to suffer. Please don't regret “not being able to meet,” but put your hands together and say “thank you for giving birth.” Your warm heart will always reach into your mother's life, even when you can't see her. The best memorial service is when you live facing forward.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo Law

The frustration of being shown “kindness” in the phrase “for me.”

It's so painful... it was so fast, I didn't know anything, I couldn't even meet my mother, and we didn't exchange words...
If this were too much, you wouldn't be frustrated, would it?

Kindness of kins
They don't know my feelings, have no confirmation for me, wield kindness without permission, and use “kindness” in phrases like “for me.”

If it were a family, I wanted them to properly tell me about any situation, any reality, even if it was difficult, and if they had let me know, I would have been able to think and act on my own. It's frustrating to think so.

I can't help but think that it was disrespectful to you and to your mother who worked so hard to survive because of the comfort of lies on the spot.

Of course, relatives also probably have feelings and opinions.
Even though I'm a daughter... it seems like they were despised, and parting ways with this feeling is so sad about so many things, isn't it?

A promise was made without permission in a place you didn't know, and when I thought they might have been waiting for it, I felt sorry, “Mom, I made you feel lonely,” and “I really wanted to fly away. I think I was filled with the feeling that I wanted to meet “my precious mother.”

How good would it be if it were a dream?
I can't believe the reality that my mother passed away, so I guess I can't accept it.
I still can't say what I wanted to say...
It's sad and unbearable, isn't it?

I hold a bereaved family meeting every month in Osaka. I will also listen carefully to your complicated feelings.
There are times when we face and overcome the feelings we have by talking.

Please don't suffer alone.

Gassho

I pray for peace from the bottom of my heart

I read it.
Your mother suddenly passed away due to illness, and you are very shocked not to be able to meet your mother. You have deep regrets, and that relative told a lie, and your mother is probably hopeless because you didn't come to see her. I don't know the details about you, your mother, or your relatives, but I feel that I understand your feelings very well. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
That relative probably lied to you and your mother because they thought it was good that they weren't offended either. You won't be able to accept that relative, and it's definitely not strange if you have anger, resentment, or hatred. Also, your mother may have been very sorry and sad that she wasn't able to meet you. I think so too. It's not divisible, is it?

First of all, please pray with all your heart that your mother will be at ease from the bottom of her heart.
I also pray with all my heart that my mother will be at ease from the bottom of my heart. Shishin Gassho Nanmu Amida Buddha Namu Amidabutsu

The mother is always saved by the Buddha or God, and close people and ancestors who went there earlier greet her kindly.
The mother is reunited with her ancestors, saved from any hesitation, pain, and suffering, and she attains Buddhism cleanly without any sorrow. Your mother will always take good care of you.
As a result, the mother's sense of sadness and hopelessness will go away. That's because they'll keep watching over you from now on.
It may be difficult to separate your feelings for your relatives, but please take a break for now and make a memorial service for your mother with all your heart.
I'm sure your mother also hopes that she won't hold a grudge against that person.
I sincerely pray to the Buddha, gods, ancestors, and mother so that you can always cherish your relationship with your mother, be watched over by your mother, and live a healthy and rich life every day. We wholeheartedly agree

fine

I think they came to face this question in the midst of very deep pain and regret. First, I want to tell you that suffering is natural.

In conclusion, it is extremely unlikely that your mother “despaired of you and passed away.”
Rather, the opposite is true. As people get closer to the end of their lives, they sense “the time we've spent together until now” and “the fact that we are living safely” rather than “the reason they didn't come.” The years that have been accumulated with you weigh much more than a few days or one visit.

Your relatives' lies have hurt you deeply as a result. However, there is a high possibility that it was the immature goodwill of a person before death rather than malice. Rather than correctness, it is a weakness where “I want to fit in a circle” and “I want to take my eyes off fear.” There's no need to forgive, but it's not “your responsibility.”

And what is more important than anything else
You didn't go because you weren't told.
It's not that I didn't go, I couldn't. Please don't distort this within yourself.

In terms of Buddhism, the feelings people have on the verge of death tend towards “letting go” rather than evaluating others. What remained in your mother's mind was not her disappointment with you, but your very existence.

What's tough right now is because “the heart that feels for my mother has lost its place.”
Please speak to your mother from the bottom of your heart. Not to blame, but to pass on feelings that couldn't be conveyed.

You're not someone who didn't make it in time.
I'm living a proper life as a daughter.

Gassho

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