What should I have done

After getting married, I thought that if I could have children, I would naturally want them. A year after getting married, the couple discussed that infertility treatment was difficult and that they would be happy if they had children, but that was fine even if they weren't there. I myself was afraid of infertility treatment and trembled with fear, and I didn't want to do it.
Although it is not infertility treatment, there were no abnormalities when I went to a fertility support clinic and had an examination. When I made an appointment to do a salpingography test, I got scared and canceled it once, then I had alopecia areata due to stress and stopped going to the clinic.
Until now, my husband and wife have been living together for 5 years. Now that I'm over 40, I still want to have children. But I'm starting to feel guilty about whether it's too late or what I've done until now. When I read the infertility treatment guide, I still get scared and I don't think it's very bearable. I wish that my current state of being so frightened would just disappear. Once I sleep, I don't have to wake up; I just want to be free from suffering. It's painful and scary, and it seems like something will happen. I wanted to raise children together as a couple, and why hadn't they done anything until now, even though I thought that was fine, all of a sudden, my feelings overflowed and it was unbearable.

4 Zen Responses

There is also the option of foster parents. Either way, everything is painful.

There is also an option to raise children without parents as foster parents.
There is also a foster care system where children are not adopted.
It is a person who is commissioned by the government, and there are also cases where money comes out.
Why don't you do some research on the foster care system?
If you can feel like a goddess who cares for children in society like their own children, there is a possibility that you will feel very happy.
That's because there are countless cute kids in the world.
Now, in Buddhism, it is explained that everything is a pain.
People who don't have children have the pain of not having children, and people who have children suffer from having children.
When you inhale, the pain of “wanting to breathe out” occurs, and when you exhale, the pain of “wanting to take a breath” occurs.
There is no loss of suffering from living things.
It's just that the shape of suffering changes moment by moment.
Also, dealing with suffering (homework) will not go away.
It's just that the form of dealing with suffering (homework) changes moment by moment.
Therefore, not having children or not being able to treat infertility was the only suffering, not the only homework, and even if you had gone back to the past in a time machine and made other choices, there must have been a different form of suffering.
Elementary school students enjoy their lives even when they have homework every day.
That's because I understand that having homework (suffering) every day is normal.
When you become an adult, you forget that it's normal to have homework (suffering), so once in a while, when big homework comes your way, you have the illusion that you're really unhappy.
Therefore, it is better for us to realize (reduce stress) once again in our daily lives where “all suffering” is commonplace, and in the form of life as it is.

Thank you for your question.
If you really want to have children, why don't you try your best until the age of 42 covered by insurance? If that doesn't work, I think they'll give up. It may be scary if you are worried and sorry even if you don't do anything, but try to reduce your fear even a little while listening to the stories of doctors and experienced people, and work together as a couple. Even with infertility treatment, the success rate seems to be around 40%, so don't be discouraged if things don't go well. There's also an advantage that couples can stay in love the whole time if they don't have children.

Please protect yourself

Thank you for honestly writing about your very painful feelings up to this point.
What comes from your words is not “weakness,” and I think people who have seriously thought about their lives and families are now in a state where they cannot bear that weight.

First of all, what is important
The sense of regret or guilt you're feeling right now isn't a fact; it's a feeling that came later.
At the time, while facing your fears, you honestly chose “you can still live as a couple.” It's not that I made the wrong choice.

It is quite natural that feelings for children began to overflow in their forties.
It's not because “I haven't done anything until now,” it's just that my phase of life has changed.

I'm afraid of infertility treatment and I can't stand it, I'm in tears
It's a sign that the mind and body are desperately appealing, “Don't push any further right now.”
You don't have to blame yourself for not choosing treatment.

However, there is just one word that should not be overlooked.
Thoughts like “I want to disappear” and “I don't want to wake up” are signs of limitations.
Right now, I'm beyond the stage of being alone.

If you have a sense that your safety is in jeopardy right now, please connect to someone right now.
Just speak up and you're good to go.

Also, if possible, tell your husband that “before I wanted children, it was very painful right now.”
You don't need to give an answer. The first priority is for you to live and return to a state where you can breathe.

Both the desire to have children and the fear are your true intentions.
Now is not the time to make a decision.
First, protect yourself.

Gassho

Having a peaceful time is my husband's greatest wish

Thank you for taking the time to overcome the pain in my heart. You've been blaming yourself so much that you think “I want to disappear.” My heart tightens when I think about the depth of that pain.

First, please don't blame yourself. Fear of treatment was a desperate cry from your mind and body to “protect yourself.” At the time, you had no choice but to do that. That choice was definitely not a mistake. The regret of “if I had done it that way back then” is a shadow that is born only because a deep love for “I want to be a mother” has developed in you now. But don't hurt yourself with that love.

Having a child is truly a “relationship” that goes beyond human expectations. However, the days you spent 5 years in good company with your husband are also miraculously precious “relationships.” Instead of hunting yourself down by counting “things you don't have,” look at the warm bond you have with your husband right in front of you. That you are free from suffering and have peace of mind. That must be your husband's greatest wish. Please forgive and be kind to yourself now.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

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