The days when I expect it without permission and get depressed

I've been crying for half a year now.
Since I was sick with COVID-19 and shingles in September of last year, my work didn't progress as expected, and I was unable to get up from the day after being reprimanded for work failure in mid-October, I took a leave of absence for 2 weeks, completely worked from home in November, and gradually recovered from December until I was able to come to work. At the beginning of December, I was nervous about coming to work after a long absence, and I talked with my boss, but my desired work style didn't come true, and I was only able to choose whether to stay at home or go full time to work. Also, I was full of anxiety about how the workplace was changing, but when I asked if I was needed now, the answer was that I would prove it myself. That's right, and my boss probably didn't feel like it, but that day I felt like an idiot, hoping without permission that my thoughts were bad, and it was the night I cried the most in my life. After that, I thought it wouldn't work as it was, went to a mental clinic, received Chinese medicine prescriptions and counseling, and until then I often woke up in the middle of the night, which was an improvement. The amount of work was reduced, but I began to wonder if it was unnecessary for me. I've been trying my best until then to meet expectations and make sure there are no mistakes, but suddenly my hands are free, and people around me seem to be busy, and they are often rejected even when they come forward. Also, if you're warned, you'll flash back to the day you were reprimanded. As a company, there are times when I can't do anything even if I know that my gradual recovery is sudden, and people around me completely overtake me, and even though I know I needed rest at that time, I regret not having taken a break. Even when I say I want to move, things don't go quite as I wanted, and even if I thought today would be a good day, I don't work satisfactorily, I don't know what I'm at work for, and I spend my days feeling agony and guilt because I haven't done anything equivalent to my salary. Even though I still want to do my best at this company, I had an interview with the department manager yesterday and they talked about wanting to retire, and I guess they are still smoky. Since it's a time to recover, I know it's not a time to compare or say growth, but from my experience so far, I was told by AI that it has only been evaluated in terms of functionality, so if that fluctuates, I feel that everything about me is useless. I'm certainly grateful to my family, but I don't have many experiences of being loved by anyone else, and I don't think I know how to affirm myself outside of work. It's really painful right now.

3 Zen Responses

The experience of picking up

　Good evening. I saw the consultation. Every human being has a wave of mood. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Even when it comes to waves, they come in all sizes.
So, your challenge now is probably “how to pick up after a big wave.”
In modern times, it seems that there are an increasing number of cases where people “fall apart without knowing the people around them.” Therefore, I suspect that people around them are also trying to watch in a way that is as unintrusive as possible, saying, “I want you to come back at your own pace, too.”
However, it is not possible to “do everything as you like.” That's probably why it's unavoidable when it comes to work styles. It's probably not that they want to smoke, and I feel like there are thoughts that I don't want to make my expectations feel burdensome.
Therefore, please value the evaluation axis that you are working on the issue of “recovering from this state” rather than “improving Colecore's performance.”
First, make sure you do the work you've been given, and carefully observe how your physical condition is. If I can recognize that “even if I'm not in perfect condition, I have a place to belong,” I think my current impatience will decrease. Then, little by little, I increased the amount of work.
I think you and the company are working together to tackle one issue. It's called “creating an environment where employees can work with peace of mind.” If you do that, I think it will be possible to rewrite the “good day” evaluation line.
Your tears right now are not your weakness. This is due to the fact that the foundation that is currently standing is weak. On that foundation, I've been staring at myself this much and trying to stand up. I think that ambition is an experience that will be the foundation for your future life.

It's important to have “time to do nothing” away from work evaluations.

Every day, you are feeling a lot of pain. It is precisely because you have taken your work seriously until now that you can painfully understand the feeling that the current situation is itchy and that you almost lose sight of your own worth.

From a Buddhist perspective, human value is by no means determined by “function” or “work results.” We all live precious lives that are irreplaceable just because we exist. Until now, you have affirmed yourself by “being useful to someone,” but now I think it's time to stop for a moment and take time to realize the preciousness of “just being there.”

The people at the company don't think you're unnecessary, and they're probably putting recovery first and foremost right now. Therefore, you don't have to force yourself to prove yourself at work or be impatient compared to those around you.

In order to relieve shortness of breath, it is important to have “time to do nothing” away from work evaluations. It doesn't matter if it's just a trifle, looking up at the sky or slowly sipping a cup of warm tea. Please forgive “myself who is just being peaceful, even if it's not useful in anything,” and be kind and kind to them. Don't be impatient, let's rest your mind and body first.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo Law

Rather than setting goals for the past, do tasks that suit the current situation. Let's not be impatient

I was unexpectedly unwell, and it was tough, wasn't it? Under such circumstances, my ability to concentrate fell, and a mistake may have occurred. When the mind and body are weak, it sinks deeply, and rumination thoughts tend to heighten self-denial and self-blame.

The workplace also takes the workload into consideration, and they support us through repeated interviews. I feel like you're putting pressure on yourself out of impatience to meet such expectations quickly.

I want to go back to where I was and connect to results at work. I want you to cherish that feeling, but rather than setting goals for the past, I will do the work you can do from a position that suits your current situation. I think that accumulation will lead to gaining trust in your evaluation.
Don't be impatient. I've recovered up to this point. You can go at that pace.

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