there's no point in being alive...

You've talked a lot about your days when you seem to be crushed by anxiety. First, please cherish that courage and wonderful experience of being able to be honest with your own heart for the first time. Loving someone of the same sex is never a “bad thing” or “embarrassing.” It's one of the precious ways you are as a human being.

Right now, I think my head is full of anxiety about HIV. However, modern medicine has advanced greatly, and even in the unlikely event of an emergency, it is possible to live life as before while continuing treatment. You also feel sorry for your parents, but if you live your own way, you will never betray your parents.

Buddhism explains that we are all “ordinary men (bonbu)” who live through repeated worries, mistakes, and regrets. That's why Amida has vowed to “save you as you are, without ever abandoning you.” There is absolutely no point in being alive. Your life is irreplaceable, completely wrapped in the mercy of the Buddha.

With this, you've probably learned the importance of risk management to protect yourself. For now, just stop blaming yourself, take a deep breath and welcome the day of the exam. I hope that your mind will be at ease even a little.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

I read it.
You're very worried that you might have become ill. I don't know the details about you or that person, but I really understand your anxiety and concerns.
First of all, please calm down. You are still living well today. You are still being protected by so many people. It's not about whether you're sick or not, you're a very important person who lives blessed with many relationships. You have a purpose in life, right?
A specific diagnosis has not been made, so it cannot be said unequivocally, but even if you become ill, it is possible to treat it well.
You may be bothered by anxiety, but first of all, let's feel safe and live your life making every day less important than ever before.

It's so precious and wonderful that you met someone like that and became close. Please live your life with confidence.

I sincerely pray that you will be blessed with wonderful encounters and relationships in the future and that you will be able to cherish people and live a healthy and rich life every day. And I wholeheartedly support you. We wholeheartedly agree
Please don't worry.

Thank you, Hikaru, for submitting this important consultation to hasunoha. It must have taken a lot of courage. The joy of being honest about my own sexuality for the first time, and the fear of “what if” that struck me later. It has been conveyed that you are hunting yourself down to the point where you want to die.

First, why don't you sort out the important things? ① Hikaru tried to be honest with her “self who falls in love with men.” It's a precious decision for you to live as you. It's definitely not a “bad thing.” ② The current anxiety about HIV stemmed from a mistake in specific knowledge and judgment called “health risk management.”

The reason why it's so painful that I think “I want to die” right now is probably because I've mixed these two and thought about it? Hikaru included, we are “ordinary men (bonbu)” who are imperfect and sometimes make mistakes. The Buddha tells us to “learn important things even from mistakes.”

Also, in current medicine, HIV is a “controllable chronic disease” if treatment continues appropriately. The image that “HIV = death” is nothing more than an extreme assumption created by current anxiety. Even if it is positive, it is not the “end of life,” and it can also be seen as a new beginning with “experts called health care professionals,” “everyday life with medicine,” and “friends called patient associations.”

The fact that Hikaru has been worried about her gender identity for a long time probably requires the same amount of time for her parents to accept it. However, what is saddest of all for parents is that their children take their own lives when they take their own lives.

The fact that you have consulted with Hasunoha this time means that Hikaru's “I want to live!!” If it's a statement of intent, I accept it. I think the week leading up to the test will raise anxiety. However, let's make effective use of that time. Why don't you change the time you blame yourself to a time to know the right information? Assuming an emergency, it is a good idea to investigate future lifestyle habits, medical systems, welfare services that can be used, patient meetings, etc. consultation systems, etc.

Since this is the time, why don't you start exploring the fundamentals of life, such as what kind of ambition you will live with in the future (with the feeling of being reborn)? We, Hasunoha, are always on Hikaru's cheering team.

They often confided in their consultations. The first thing I want to tell you is that the anxiety and regret you feel is a very natural movement of mind. And at the same time, your courage to take the first step by saying “I want to live honestly” is by no means denied.

In Buddhism, people meet, experience, and worry due to various “relationships.” This encounter is also an important relationship in your life. The fact that you experienced both joy and suffering in it is itself deepening your life.

The reason I'm suffering so much now is probably because my heart is shaken by the uncertainty of “not knowing the results yet.” However, it is also another fact that doctors say “the risk is low.” The human mind is easily drawn to anxiety, and small changes in physical condition can be felt greatly. For now, please quietly return to the reality that “nothing has been decided yet.”

Also, he blames his own sexuality for being “bad,” but that is definitely not a crime. The heart that comes to love people is inherently very precious. However, in order to protect that precious heart, you should gradually acquire knowledge and preparation from now on. This experience can also be said to be a learning for that purpose.

Feeling sorry for your parents is also proof that you are sincere. However, parents are not originally people who judge their children, and they continue to worry about any situation. It doesn't matter if we still can't talk right now. You don't have to carry everything alone.

Above all, please take good care of yourself, who is being cornered to the point where you think “I want to die.” The value of life is not determined by results. No matter what state you are in, your life is irreplaceable.

Your anxiety won't go away for a week until the day of the test. But let's just accept that “the only thing we can do now is wait for results,” and go through it day by day. Adjust your breathing, eat something warm, and rest your body.

You're never alone. The day will come when this suffering will also eventually have meaning. Until that day, please don't mess with your own life. Gassho

Your sexual identity and encounters are important realizations and precious relationships. It's sad to deny that it was a mistake.

You're worried a lot about your body due to your actions with your partner, aren't you? That may have been a lack of recognition. However, the checks and tests were carried out right away, right? I think the results are certain.

this time. Let's take the encounter and what comes after the act as separate issues. As anxiety spreads, it's easy to connect and think about everything, and you end up blaming yourself for your ignorance and weakness.

Each one is an important experience, and as you learn, you can grow. Having ideas, taking steps, falling in love with people, and expressing feelings are all important steps in being “you.” Don't be afraid to meet someone.