I'm sorry for my past mistakes

I have a past where I was a prostitute 4 years ago.
It was to pay off debts.
My parents' house was poor and I was forced to live alone along with getting a job, but it all started when I didn't have enough money to start living alone and ended up using revolving credit card payments.
Fortunately, I was able to get a job as a civil servant, but my salary was low until the first few years of employment, and since there were scholarship repayments and driving school loan repayments, I was in a financial situation where I managed to live while saving money.
If there were months where I didn't have enough money, I used revolving credit payments and gradually increased my unpaid balance.
Under such circumstances, I became depressed, and I took a leave of absence from work.
I didn't care about everything. Living was difficult, and I bought cosmetics (although not expensive) and lots of sweets every day.
Speaking of expensive things, I was comforting myself by buying iPads and tons of comic books.
Before I knew it, the debt swelled to about 1.6 million yen due to revolving payments and consumer loans combined.
You can't return it with a civil servant's salary. Side jobs are also prohibited. My mother is living on welfare and I can't talk to anyone.
I was impatient, and I chose daddy activity as a side job without getting caught.
I earned about 100,000 yen in just one month.
Selling my body was really hard. That was foolish.
After this, I didn't do that at all, and I paid off my debts by striving to be thrifty using refinancing loans.
I married someone I love last year.
I don't know my past.
I know I had debts, but I think I did my best to pay them back with only the salary of a civil servant.
Of course, it's not known to the workplace.
If known, I think reprimand is inevitable.
If I talk to my husband, I think he will suffer.
But it's also a good place to hide the past and get married and get married for marriage fraud.
I wanted to be honest with my husband and at work.
I want to talk to my husband and make it easier. I want to be forgiven. At worst, divorce is unavoidable.
I also want to talk to the workplace and take responsibility.
I don't deserve to be a civil servant like this.
I want to still be with my husband. I don't want to leave my favorite job, and it's a mess in my mind.
It's strange that I'm so happy without making up for anything.
I have no choice but to think that one day this happiness will be destroyed.
Sorry for the random text.
I don't know how to live my life.
Is it okay to deceive everyone and be happy while keeping everything in your heart like this?

4 Zen Responses

Honesty isn't the only way to confess what you are.

I have read the details of your consultation. How painful it is between past mistakes and current happiness. I can't tell anyone, and the chest pain I've been carrying alone is painfully transmitted.

In the midst of a cornered situation of suffering in life and mental disorder, I unavoidably chose the path I chose due to the heavy pressure of revolving payments. It certainly may have been a “mistake.” However, all of us humans are “ordinary people (bonbu)” with the risk of making any kind of mistake if we have a relationship (situation). You are by no means the only one who is particularly sinful.

You have already paid off your debts with your own strength, and you are deeply ashamed and painfully reflecting on your past. That suffering and regret is what true repentance (sange) looks like. You don't have to keep blaming yourself any more.

Confiding everything might make your mind a little easier. However, it can also result in deeply hurting your precious husband. Honesty isn't just about confessing what you are. I don't leave the burden of past mistakes on anyone, and live on my own for the rest of my life. Having that determination is the greatest sincerity you can do to your husband right now, and isn't it redemption?

The Buddha will accept you as you are, regretting your mistakes and suffering. Please cherish the “now” instead of being stuck in the past. Change the sorrow and pain you have to be kind to your husband and the people around you, and work hard to survive today's day for your favorite job. I think that's the path you should take.

worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

I think you're admirable

You are admirable for not being able to rely on your welfare parents, being forced to live alone, making ends meet with a low salary as a civil servant, and continuing to repay scholarships and driving school loans.
It was unavoidable that you became depressed, took a leave of absence, and chose dad activity while you couldn't talk to anyone.
No one is to blame.
I want to praise you for quickly reflecting and making an effort to pay off your debts by making an effort to save money.
Being able to get married to your favorite husband is probably God's reward for you.
You don't have to confide in your husband about past mistakes, and you don't have to quit your job at all.
If you really want to make amends, please make your husband happy and contribute to society through your work, including that amount.
Also, be happy yourself.

Since this is a private consultation, I will give you advice that goes one step further.
I work at a temple called Daiko-in in Nagoya, and it enshrines King Usasama Myou (Usasama Myou), who purifies all kinds of impurity, and women have continued to worship since the Edo period.
There is probably a famous temple near where you live that enshrines King Ussa Maming.
If you feel that your body is even a little dirty, I recommend praying and making a clean and refreshing settlement.

I sincerely pray for you to live a happy life

I read it.
I read that you are so sorry and distressed about your past. I don't know the details about you or anything up until now, but I understand your painful feelings.

Please say here too that you are suffering like that.

Also, please sincerely join hands with the Buddha, God, and your ancestors and confess your thoughts as they are. Please sincerely reflect on what you have done and repent to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors. And please swear to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors that you won't do such a thing from now on.

The Buddha, gods, and ancestors kindly accept all of your thoughts and repentance vows, gently snuggle up to your heart and comfort you, forgive you, and save you.
Please don't worry, you can continue to live a truly happy life with your loved ones.

I don't think you need to dare say that about you to anyone. If it springs up from the bottom of your heart, please tell it from the bottom of your heart to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors. Whenever, wherever, whatever, the Buddha, gods, and ancestors will kindly watch over you and accept you.

I sincerely pray to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors so that you can continue to be gently watched over by Buddha, gods, and ancestors, sincerely cherish and care for each other with your loved ones, and share happiness with everyone.
And I wholeheartedly support you. We wholeheartedly agree

If you really want to talk, you can also consult online anonymously without showing your face. We look forward to welcoming you.

Walking like this is also a plan so that I can walk the right path

I'm glad I was able to get out of debt. Prostitution was the only way to repay the inflated amount of money...

There were circumstances for you, too.

I'm really glad I didn't get sick, get into trouble due to my relationship with my partner, and didn't find out at work.

You survived, finally got out, and got around with your husband. Let's free ourselves from the past.

If you disclose your sins, you'll also lose everything. If that makes it easier for you, that choice isn't a mistake either. However, repenting to Hasunoha in this way means repenting to the Buddha. I think walking like this while having the Buddha illuminate the path even though you are guilty is also a plan so that you can walk the right path.

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