About relationships with former lovers who live together

I'm still living with my former lover of the same sex. At the beginning of our break up, my partner told me, “I don't want to be sticky, I want a personal space, so I want you to leave the house.” I received those words, began thinking about a new life, and recently had a good relationship with someone of the opposite sex that I was interested in, and the possibility of thinking about the future came up.

However, when I told my former lover about it, she cried and said, “I'm lonely, I want to be together forever,” and she said, “If you can't throw away your future with that person, it's hard to be together. It is also said, “I will quit my job and go back to my parents' house.”

Former lovers are the type who don't like to say their true intentions, but they are fun to be with, and they have a deep sense of security, and they can't easily throw away that relationship or future. Because they are important, I don't want to hurt them, and I have a feeling that I want to cherish them as friends.

On the other hand, I also have interests and longings for love with people of the opposite sex, marriage in general, and a “normal future” from the public's perspective, and I also think about the eyes and public bodies of my surroundings.

My heart is shaken between happiness with my former lover, new possibilities, and worldly values, and I don't really know what I should choose.

What kind of attitude should we face in order to be honest about our own life and happiness while being considerate of others?

4 Zen Responses

I saw your question.
They are former lovers, but they live together..
Maybe now is still a time where you can't easily put into words the relationship between the two of you.

I think both are such an important relationship that there is no immediate answer to the dissolution of living together. That's why it's natural for your heart to be shaken.

When choosing something, there are situations where you have to let go of something else, but you don't have to force yourself to come to a conclusion right away.

Please value “what kind of time should continue so that both you and your partner can stay calm” rather than “whether it is correct from the public's point of view.”
Please don't misrepresent the real intentions that come to mind.

Dependent and ambiguous relationships. It's important to have time to think about the future.

It's hard to have them all.
Everyone feels sad to be away from a safe place. The relationship between you and your friend was an ambiguous lifestyle where people lived together even after breaking up, so I think they were dependent on each other as if they were necessary for each other.

Your friends feel jealous of the opposite sex around you. You say that your friend is important, but your friend is pressing for choices that bind you, saying, “If you can't abandon your future with that person...” And you can't leave either. From this, too, I think it's not just a friendship relationship, but an ambiguous relationship of dependency.

If we're true friends, we want to support each other's choices for happiness, and we're always connected even when we're apart. That's because we can even meet.

I think it's important for the two of them to get away once and have time to think about their future.

Facing the future ahead

I read it.
I see... it seems like I can see that you are worried. I understand your concerns from the bottom of my heart.
As for your former lover, you had a new close relationship with someone of the opposite sex, so you may have felt lonely or envious... I don't know the depths of my former lover's heart, but I don't feel like that person's temporary feelings are either.
If it were you, I think you would have made a decision with a firm eye on your own future. Please think again about your own future and make a firm decision. Not only are temporary feelings, but the future is also very important.
I sincerely pray that you and each of you will be able to truly face the future and live together with your loved ones by sharing happiness from the bottom of your heart.
And I wholeheartedly support you and each of you.

Whichever path you choose, the first thing to do is eliminate cohabitation and keep your distance.

The counselor is now suffering deeply between her love for her former lover, her new future, and the public body.

In Buddhism, there is a teaching called “everything is impermanent (everything changes).” People's minds and relationships are constantly changing, and it is impossible to stay in the form of the two people they used to be. Currently, I am strongly held back from my former lover, but procrastinating on making a decision out of guilt or emotion is no good for anyone. If the relationship with the new person continues as it is, there is a risk that an unfaithful state called “bifurcation” will occur as a result, leading to unexpected trouble where the three parties are deeply hurt.

The feeling that “I don't want to hurt the other person” is kind, but the current situation seems to be falling into “interdependence (obsession)” that interferes with each other's independence rather than “supporting each other”. True “mercy” in Buddhism is sometimes about making tough decisions to go separate ways and believing that the other person will walk on their own feet.

Instead of being misled by the public eye, the framework of “normal,” or outside voices such as the tears of a former lover, please calmly face your own heart. Whichever path you choose, eliminating cohabitation and keeping an appropriate distance will be the first step in reviewing your own true happiness and making a sincere choice.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

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