The foul-mouthed friend

Thank you very much for your consultation.

When it comes to a 20-year relationship, it's not easy to say “let's break the relationship,”
It's hard to say, “Let's just keep dating.”

What I felt while reading the story is that the world that Oma-san and her friend see are quite different.
Omato-san is “not hurting people” and “being close to the other person's feelings”
I feel like they value it.

Meanwhile, my friend “says what needs to be said even if it's tough”
“If you take care of it, take care of it until the end”
Maybe they have these values.

Therefore, I think words that sound aggressive to Oma-san feel like “I'm just saying my true intentions” among my friends.

However, as that kind of thing continues, Oma-san is tired of that difference.
But at the same time, I've been helped and supported a lot...
That's why they don't like it, and that's why they're worried.

Situations that are becoming difficult in relationships right now

I think it's because they've been thinking about the two choices of “dating” or “breaking up a relationship.”

But I think there are plenty of options in between.

Reduce the number of times you meet.
We don't talk about childcare.
Avoid topics where values clash.
I will express my gratitude.
But don't get too close to the distance it hurts.

There is also such a way to socialize.

Every person has a different world.
That's why even close friends can't fully understand each other.
The important thing is to draw the other person into your own world,
It's not like I'm swallowed up by the other person's world,

I think it's about finding a distance where we can stand comfortably from each other.

We've been in a relationship for 20 years.
You don't have to force yourself to cut it.
However, there is no need to force yourself to keep putting up with it.
While adjusting the distance slightly,
Please try to find a relationship where you can laugh and meet again.

Thank you for your consultation. It's a friend of 20 years, and the feeling that fluctuates between gratitude and heartache is often conveyed.

In Buddhism, there is a teaching called “middle way (chudo).” The idea is to value a natural way of being without extreme bias and without being unreasonable. There is no need to decide on a relationship only by choosing between white or black, that is, “either completely break the relationship, or put up with it and get along as before.” The moderate sense of distance of “being in a casual relationship,” which you are currently practicing, is definitely not an escape, and it can be said that it is a great “middle way wisdom” for protecting each other's hearts.

While friends show kindness through their actions, they also hurt your heart with careless words. However, there is no need to take those words seriously. Everyone has different values for raising children, and there is nothing wrong with raising a child that is affectionately close to you.

While appreciating “thank you” for the other person's kindness, draw a line in your heart and accept the hurtful words, saying “that's your idea, isn't it?” Don't put up with it to the point where your mind is distorted. Please be honest with your own emotions and walk while keeping a distance where you can stay calm.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

But... it makes you feel bad and hurt, right?

Can't you say it?
“It doesn't feel good to be undermined. Don't impose your own ideas.”

I'm also being taken care of by my friend. So why don't you just say it?

It makes me wonder what kind of relationship it is. We've been friends for 20 years. We've been in a relationship for a long time, but is it an equal relationship? No matter how bad my friend is, it makes me feel that they are nonchalant people rather than saying that they are savory.

You don't want to be bogged down with child-rearing and children even though you haven't even discussed it. If it's an equal relationship, tell the other person clearly when you don't like it. That's my friend.

It's terrible, isn't it?
I even had that kind of feeling, I couldn't believe it. Don't you also have a feeling that you want to be spoiled by your friend's good intentions?

If it were me, I would be careful about unrestrained words and actions while also expressing my gratitude for being saved. I can't listen to the language if it's too rough, and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Even Norari Kurari is fine, but it will continue to be undermined forever.
If you want to have a good relationship, if you don't make any changes, you'll stay in the same situation no matter how long it's been.

I read it.
Hmm... I see... there are definitely people like that... I feel like I understand your feelings. I understand how you feel.
There are people like that all around me. He's still the kind of person who rants and violates from the Showa era.
After all, I think it is necessary to draw a firm line against abuses and violence.
Other than that, I think it's a good idea to respect good places of care and be kind and go out with them.
There may be quite a difficult situation, maybe something decisive will happen from now on and they will break up, or conversely, they may have a close relationship.
It's probably while we wait and see...
I sincerely pray that you and everyone can continue to live well and peacefully, and that your children will grow up healthily. We wholeheartedly agree